I destroyed there lives

You need to and can stay strong. This entire process will help you built both character and strength. You are no longer that person you used to be. You have now set yourself free and have cleared the table to reset it any way you think works for you. All the beating down you felt previously is no longer relevant as you have now taken control of your own life. Good luck!

 

Hi there, I have just seen your thread, and I want to say I care for you too and you are not alone in this bad moment. It was the right thing and a blessing to you and, eventually, your family that it happened. I too was outed to my parents by my own mistake (I forgot a love letter in the pocket of the jeans that I threw in the washing machine), but I consider it one of the luckiest things that have ever happened to me. I don't know if I would ever have the courage to do it on my own. You deserve happiness and the chance to be who you truly are. And even your children deserve to know who their dad truly is. I don't think it is fair for people who are mentally healthy to live a lie for the sake of others. Lies and deceit will create nothing but sorrow in the long run. Just continue to be the loving dad to your kids, and I am sure they will understand you. Right now they grieve the loss of the man that they thought you were, but I am sure they'll eventually accept you for who you are. Take care of yourself in this turbulent moment!

 

Hey Ib,

I hope by now you will have found that we all care about you and hope that you find the strength that you have always had.

No one likes change, particularly when that change means that the people who are depending on you begin to realize that you yourself need and deserve your own happiness.

Think about that a little...people are depending on you...does that not mean that you are stronger than them? Does it not mean that you are the adult in the room?

It's time to claim your throne and make unpopular decisions, as all kings must at times...

 

That is EXACTLY what I was trying to say. You have done nothing wrong and do not deserve to be treated so shabbily, especially by your children. These women are trying to make you feel guilty and control you by shaming you for simply being honest to your wife about yourself. It was totally wrong of her to intimidate you and "out" you to the daughters, and try to force you to humiliate yourself about something which should not even humiliate you to begin with. I realize that you will get other advice here, and that is what is special about this place: not all of us would react, or have reacted the same way to hostile treatment from a spouse who is behaving badly. Greatwhale has related some information in depth about his problem with a hostile spouse, but your treatment has been beyond what he had to deal with. It is understandable that some homophobic spouses may respond irrationally to hearing that their husband is gay, but the situation you described is WAY beyond adult acceptable behavior and physically aggressive. You or anyone else do NOT have to put up with that kind of treatment and the physical abuse of "throwing things", nor the disrespectful behavior of children, particularly "adult" children living in YOUR home.

 

lb41974,

I'm so sorry you're having to go through this. I know exactly what it's like. My parents divorced when I was 6 years old. Through the legal battles and custody battles, one of my mom's greatest attacks on my dad was outing him as gay to her family and his family. They are all Southern Baptists. What a train wreck. He was about your age (maybe a couple of years younger) when it happened. It was incredibly shaming especially because my dad was a pastor. Yup! Southern Baptist fundamentalist pastor comes out as homosexual! Anyway, my dad never figured out how to handle everything. You can look upon his story with sympathy and say he did the best he could, etc. etc.

Here is the problem. I never chose to be his child. I never chose to endure year after year of psychological abuse and neglect from him. I never chose him to be a bad father. He didn't get his stuff together in time for me when I was growing up and because of that, I suffered greatly. I basically grew up fatherless.

Don't let that be you. Regardless of who you really are inside, this is for certain. You have two daughters that still need you very much. They didn't choose you, you chose them. It is not their fault that they were raised this way. It is not their fault you had them before coming out. Your personal life is secondary to their needs. That doesn't mean you shouldn't have come out. But it does mean you now have a lot of work ahead of you. You'll have to balance your personal relationships with the full time task of gaining self-knowledge, while at the same time dealing with bigotry, and raising your children well.

This isn't going to be easy.

On the one hand you live in a society that hates gays. On the other, you're children didn't choose this.

Also, keep in mind that the human brain doesn't stop developing until age 26. Your 21 y/o is not all grown up yet. Both of your girls will need you more now than ever. Do what you have to do to be a good father. Do you best to balance that out with your personal needs. Again, to be clear, I'm not saying you shouldn't have come out. What I am saying is that it would be the mistake of your life to write your family off.

I no longer talk with my dad. After journaling for more than a decade, reading, and lots of therapy, I've come to the place where I realize not only will he never apologize, he will also never change. He will always be abusive. Therefore, I walked away forever. Part of the reason he is like this is because he cannot accept the evil things in his life he has done to me and my sister. Has he accepted being gay? You bet! Big time! He's completely out and comfortable with it. But that doesn't really matter because both of his children no longer talk to him, and he rarely if ever gets to see his grand-daughter.

Find balance. Never lose sight of what really matters. As a person, you are defined more by fatherhood than by your sexuality. When you die, your sexuality dies with you, but your children, their children, and their children will live on. This situation sucks no matter how you look at it. Just don't get caught in the "if they can't accept you..." thing. It is not their job to accept you. They didn't choose you. You chose them.

I hope this was a different perspective and that it helps in some way.

The very best of luck to you.

edit: Find a therapist immediately. Not just for LGBT, but for your own development and for family issues. You've got a buffet of issues piled onto one plate.

 

This man is being BULLIED by his wife and children. I am sorry if you don't feel like my advice for him to stand up against being bullied is somehow "negative", but I will not stand silent when I see someone being mistreated that way because of their sexual orientation. For someone in his own family he has supported for 15+years to do it to him is inexcusable.

 

I get why your family is angry on you because you hid something from them..... on the other side, you eventually had to come out otherwise you had to live this lie longer and that would kill you at the end, especially your happiness..... they will come around! They love you, you're the dad of the kids, and if your wife hates you, don't blame yourself because this always has been and at least you took care of your kids. You haven't been selfish, you've been caring for the family as long as you could until your wife found out. What was so wrong of her and that's what pisses me off is that she outed you to your family.

You go man! You deserve to be happy, and everything will hopefully be eventually alright!

 

(*hug*) I'm glad that you're finding so much support here. You deserve it. <3. Hang in there.

 

The way she handled this situation wasn't right, and she really should've had this discussion in private. You made no mistakes, just wait for the kids to come around.

 

You deserve to be happy and to have love and respect. If she isn't a person who can do that with/for you, then you two need to have a serious conversation about the way you are being treated - maybe with a therapist. The kids will likely come around to understanding. Sometimes kids act out because they need attention back on them (and this put a lot on you), but probably they will get over themselves and you guys can move onward and upward.