Hey there EC! Okay. This is very confusing! So I will try to be as clear and as comprehendable as possible. The Basics: Female, 21 years old, Never had a real relationship, had a truamatic sexual/emotional experience in adolescence. Always considered myself straight ( even now I feel instinctively straight. But I just cannot seem to accept I am) I have had one sexual encounter with same sex. I thought I would have enjoyed it but I found I felt so weird/turned off and yet I still cannot accept I am straight. Even Bi. I have major crushes on boys/men. I do look at women in a "she's so skinny" or "she's so much prettier" way. But I find myself questuioning this. I lust after men and have very rarely lusted after women. I am so confused. I know reading that back, to me sounds like "you're straight" but so many things are making me question it. Growing up I was always sort of a tomboy ( I liked video games, skateboards, metal music) but I always was into things like make up and fashion too. I could relate to boys and girls, but growing up I had very close one-one friendships with both girls and boys. I had a boy bestfriend in primary school which was considered unusual apparently. In secondary school I had mainly male friends and I was very good friends with the most popular girl in school ( my only female friend at the time). At this time I had major crushes on some of the boys I hung around with ( never girls, or I recognised they were attractive but I never lusted/wanted them, I wanted to be them I thought.) At ths time I got my first bf, at age 12, and after a month of our dating passed I was pressured into sex, and I did it, even though I didn't want to. I was not ready and I feel that that has scarred me and made me feel ashamed of having a bf. After this happened ( i told my mom the next day, she was horrified but supported me and brought me to a clinic where i faced more judgement unfortunately. I went to counselling and told my counsellor and then overheard them discussing it at a later stage to teacher). After all this took place I became practically celibate. I became a recluse and stayed in my room playing video games and didn't meet up with friends and just was afraid of social interaction. Fast forward - I 'm 17, I am being used and abused by the player of our year. I know deep down, but I hold on to the hope that maybe he actually really does like me, and he is cute even though he does stuff that emotionally hurts me. This is on and off. I also get a relationship with another boy who I just did to do it. I liked him for a while, but it didn't last. Back to the player boy. I went to college when I was 18, met the most beautiful boy I have ever seen and made out with him on freshers. thought he was just going to be like the player dude and when he made conversation with me i was awkward and cold because i was cautious off him. ruining my chances. It is my biggest regret of college. THIS IS WHERE IT GETS TRICKY: I dropped out after one year, had to stay at home for the year doing nothing. I couldn't get a job and I was only able to do a course that was part time ( one day a week). During this time I got majorly depressed and went to therapy where I was diagnosed with social anxiety disorder and toxic shame, hocd and trauma. I also have found myself lately with vaginismus ( where the walls of the vagina act like bouncers of a club and won't let anything in ) and situational anorgasmia ( where I can't climax with a person. ) and this all feels like it's just happened this year. I've never had these problems before. Went back to a new college to study fine art for a one year course. I found myself attracted to more guys here too but I found myself really anxious or cautious in their company. I wanted them to like me but at the same time I couldn't talk to them or look them in the eye. I put them on pedastels and I just felt beneath them. I felt I could never get with them ( which was partially true, they had girlfriends, but once I found this out, and that there was no hope of romance with them I could talk to them ). I saw all the "cool" kids and desparately wanted to be part of them. I could talk to some of the cool guys by themselves but the hot cool guys and the girls were people I could never talk too, yet I desparately wanted to and wanted them to want to talk to me. (It's so highschool....it's ridiculous). I find myself more comfortable around girls, yet I don't want to do anything sexually with them. I am constantly worrying that I dress "dykish" (called that before) or give out gay vibes. I am so picky when it comes to being attracted to guys IRL. I enjoy sex with guys and the intimacy, but my body has these sexual dysfunctions all of a sudden (as described above). I used to watch porn ( have since stopped because I feel that that is my cause of sexual dysfunction ) and when I did I could rarely get off to straight porn. I watched transexuals, gay guys only, orgies, and a lot of lesbian porn. But with the lesbian porn I never felt attracted to the girls, it was more about the actual act. I had never fantasized about women in real life before even though I watched lesbian porn, that was never a thing. I always fantasized about men, it just didn't seem to get me a partner. I have many gay friends, and lesbian friends and straghit friends so I am not homophobic. I just don't want to be a lesbian. I don't know why, I just know that instinctively I am, straight. I had a sexual encounter with a girl in my year this year. Well two girls. When I kissed her I felt nothing. We felt up each other and to me it felt weird and I had to stop. I couldn't go further because it just felt forced. I have since had sex with a guy and I liked it but I didn't come and my body tensed up, I really wanted to but my body just wouldn't let me. But I wanted to cuddle and be intimate and kiss him all day. Yet now I am doubting myself because I still cannot seem to accept anything. Recently when I have gotten high I feel these gay thoughts are more and more prevailant and intense and disturbing my happiness. I can't enjoy being high anymore. I even came out to a few people when I was on drugs because I was so certain that was the only way I would stop feeling so shit and so scared and anxious but nothing changed. I don't desire to kiss girls, but if I see a gorgeous guy I would want him to kiss me. If I see a gorgeous girl I compare myself to them and feel envious, and then question this line of thinking. I thought that all of this was related to my first experience. I keep going after emotionally unavailable men ( but that made me think why, is it because you are gay and dating emotionally unavailable men is easier because you can blame them when it doesn't work out? ) and with the sexual dysfunction (that i only seem to be having recently, and with a one night stand, my first one night stand, I think this is your body's way of telling you, or it could be that I need an emotional connection to someone... I am so confused) and then there is the fear that anytime I hang around with people I constantly think they are trying to get me out of the closet ( especially when I'm high around the people I grew up with at home, or when they some me material with gay people as the subject matter, or around my gay extended family members). I have been assured that no one does that but it's something I feel expected of. My sister has always had boyfriends and she's two years younger than me and found her true love. That's another doubt. I constantly reject the nice boys that actually seem to care for me and go for the attractive ones, because i cannot feel attracted to the nice guys. In school my group of friends never dated each other, ( 3 girls, 5 boys) and three of those guys came out. I constantly fear that the other two are gay and so are the girls, and I am so obsessed with seeing who's gay. It's like my answer for everything. I feel like this is driving my crazy and I cannot stop questioning it or anything. It takes up so much of my time and i know I am so much happier when I am not thinking about it. Please. Someone tell me I am not alone. That I am not crazy. PS. Sorry for any mistakes in grammar.
I don't get crushes on girls. Well at least I don't think I do. Atm I am having on and off sex with a guy who I find extremely attractive ( but my body is being unreasonable, I really want to enjoy it, I do, and I have never had this problem with guys I like before. Maybe it's because I don't feel an emotional connection?) , but we're not dating. Somehow I never seem to get to that stage with guys that I actually find attractive.
I haven't looked at this full thing yet but let me say this being i noticed the title said that your questioning is takeing over your life. That happened to me to i questioned and questioned to the point where i was okay. And then i questioned more and more till i ended up sad alone and even scared of my own future. then i realized something Why should i care what i am who i am what i do in my sex life. Don't worry about what people think about you or what you are inside. because your not a label your you. And your correct you keep questioning like i did and it may just take over your life and stress you out more. so look at others around you and go outside take a deep breath go to the movies or take a walk and focus on other things.
Some of that stuff sounds really hard I'm normally 100% "oh well no one can tell you what you are" etc. But it really sounds to me like you at least aren't gay. That is just my opinion, I'm still 80%. But my partner, who has decided to stay with me through my becoming a woman on the outside, is at most kinsey 1 (meaning almost completely straight). She and you also have something in common. Except her condition isn't called "vaginismus", it's called "vulval vistibulitus". In a nutshell whenever she gets turned on (or sometimes out of nowhere), everything becomes extremely sensitive and painful. I won't TMI with my love life but I have to be very very careful and patient when I'm down there. And I see no shame in just flat out saying that most of the time we both just use our own toys to TCOB. I completely get you just not wanting to be a lesbian. You have the best reason for that. Because girls don't do it for you right? Who wants to be attracted to someone they know won't "do it" for them in that department? If the word "gay" feels dishonest, then it probably isn't honest. And because straight is "normal", whenever you do any kind of questioning, there's always this little push, this feeling like "oh she's just in denial" or whatever. Because a lot of us honestly need that little extra help out of the closet, and you hear other people going on about their time in the closet and how they tried to be straight. But if you're honestly considering whether you're attracted to women, that's a little different. I really hate that feeling, that constant "look. I've tried this a million times", and another part of you that's like "BUT WHAT IF", and you try your one-million-and-one fantasize-about-a-girl session, right? At the very least that's how it is for me, but with men. I feel pressure in a different way because some people view me as a guy still, and to them, being with a man is apparently what I'd have trouble admitting to. And it sounds like you've had some bad experiences with boys making things even harder on top of everything. Even if you know in your head you should give the next one a chance, it's not like you can explain that to your heart and body. So if any of that sounds like you, then no. You aren't alone and aren't crazy. What helps me is just thinking about people one-on-one. If mother nature, crazy woman that she is, ever decides that I should start liking boys, that's just what happens. Of course I have a convenient way to explain that to people, because it's something that doctors know happens to people like me. But right now if I claimed that it would feel like a lie. I don't like boys, at all. So I don't. So I think a good question to ask yourself is, what would actually happen if I started liking girls. What would be different about me. Probably not as much as you were worried about, right? I think the big reason to worry, at least I would feel this way if I were in your shoes, is, what if I can't find someone I'm happy with. And for that it really sounds like you might need some medical help with. Vaginismus just can not be an easy thing to live with. I would really consider looking for a doctor that specialized in this kind of thing. I mean I don't know very much about this stuff outside of what I learned just to help my partner and, again, she has a different condition. But I do know that some people with vaginismus have had their condition cured before. I would really focus on fixing that, because it would just make dating anyone so much easier, whether you're into guys or girls. If you can't, it really is okay. There are people out there that you can still be happy with. There are a lot of people like you that stay married to their partners. You just have to be picky and patient and really have a high opinion of yourself to find the right one. But he (or she) is out there.
@RoyalRed:Thanks for your advice! That is what happens, I question until a point where I think I'm okay and ten I question more. It's obsessive somedays and somedays it's not an issue at all. I know I have to think less of what people think of me ^^ But I will definitely try relax more! Thank you! @cassie92: I cannot even imagine the struggle you have had to go through. Or your partner. First I want to thank you for being so kind and nice and giving me relief in your words, secondly, wow, you are very brave! I was at the doctor's a while ago but I have to be referred to a sex therapist I think. I was also put on these antibiotics recently and I think I had a mild reaction to them ( my body dried up and no amount of sexual arousal made a difference...and I'm only 21!! I've never had problems like this before! ) I hope your partner's condition can improve. You are very sweet to be so patient! I hope to find someone I would be happy with but at the same time, I am afraid of letting myself have that too.. I don't know why, but I guess I am a bit afraid of commitment, or monogamy. I don't know why, I guess I always fear them cheating on my, or leaving me, or me getting bored. I really don't know.... But I will get my condition fixed asap, it's just confusing because as I said, I've never had this problem before, I've only been with 7 guys and a couple of those were bad eggs, but even then my body responded. It's only recently I've had this trouble. I thought it was because I had become dependant on porn too, so I've cut that out and masturbation, but sex with a partner is allowed. ( I'm currently having casual sex with one guy but he doesn't seem to understand my problem and that makes it hard for both of us ). But yeah, some days my head is just a nightmare to be in. It's just so suffocating. I even tried coming out but I didn't feel any better afterwards and I didn't want to find the nearest girl either. My head/thoughts just made me feel like I would be relieved if I came out, but I wasn't ( in fairness.... I was on drugs too :/ that was a bad experience for me though ). I am glad I am not alone. It's so relieving to know other people face this! ^^ I do tend to stress out like, 3/5 guys I hang around with back home are gay, and my parents have asked me before if I was, and I am always so concerned whether I give off a gay vibe but my head just over thinks. So when all this is going on and then I see a pretty girl it's almost like I convince myself that that is the only explanation. But I don't think I truly feel sexual toward attractive people of my sex. I really think I am just appreciating them ( or envious of them) . I do get crushes on guys and being with a guy to me feels right. It's just the labels that are putting my mind into overdrive. I think I'll just learn to be comfortable to do whatever the hell I want in the moment. I'll try to learn to not care about people's opinions and just live life. Maybe then I'll be freer not consumed by trying to pigeon hole myself. Instead of being a sexual orientation I'll just be me ^^ Thanks again for all your help! I really wish you and your partner all the best! x
Wow long post. Ok, feelings. Yes. You know the first part of your post kinda reminded you of me when I was younger. Video games, toy cars, sneakers and shirts everywhere. Not a dress in sight. Basketball and soccer. I did go through a part of my life (i'm now 24) where I actually liked guys and hoped they'd like me too. I never really dated a guy seriously, just HS stuff. Then one day I met a girl and everything in my world sort of clicked. Uh...let's see..I'm trying to take this a few at a time. As for the porn part, that's fine, I mean everyone has their own thing. There as lesbians who like guy on guy porn. That's totally OK. As for your experiences it could mean a variety of things. It could be you weren't attracted to her anyway. And yes it's confusing because on one hand you have this upbringing I'm sure that you're let's say very used to. And this curveball comes out of nowhere (the girls) and it throws you off balance from what you perceived as a norm. I don't know you personally but then again it could be you're not out to yourself. I know that sounds very weird but trust me some people don't know they're gay. I'm not saying you are. Please don't take it that way. I feel like your time away from school had something to do with your being emotionally unavailable to men? I don't want you to share details your're uncomfortable with but think back to the time you took time off from school. Did something happen? Was it serious? And this is just my opinion....but I honestly think you're straight.
