I can't believe in asexuality

Well. I just wanted to say that I think it's pretty obvious if being asexual is a choice or not (I know it's not). Lots of people love sexual feelings. And if you are asexual, then you think differently. You might not see any point of it or just can't get aroused by porn or whatever. So I guess it's safe to assume that everybody, or at least the majority of people want to have sexual desires.

It's hard to explain, me not being asexual, but my point here is that it's obvious.

 

Disclaimer: Incoherent post made at 12am by someone who's tired and not native in English

Bolded part 1: No, not really. One or two days a week of not feeling sexual attraction does not mean you're asexual, it takes a bit more than that Which you've perfectly described in bolded part 2: Not experiencing sexual attraction all the time = experiencing sexual attraction at some other (maybe even most) time. Being asexual = not experiencing sexual attraction at all.

I noticed you're bisexual, would you identify as straight once or twice a week if you don't feel same sex attractions on said days, but as bisexual on the others?
(I know this might come across offensive but I really don't mean it like that)

I'm pretty much asexual. Seeing people naked, watching porn, fantasizing about sex... nothing really 'works' for me. On the other hand, I can't get a proper understanding of being sexual because I've never experienced it. I don't understand why it's such a big deal to be a virgin at 22, or when people start being whiny bitches when they haven't had sex in a month and start wanting to bang all the people they see.

Confusing part: I do identify as gay. I like guys, in a romantic way. I want to cuddle, kiss, do date-ish things with another guy. I want to have a relationship with a guy, and maybe get married some day. There were multiple times when I've experienced feelings of being in love with another guy. Hell, I'm having a massive crush as we speak. But... I wanted to have sex with none of them.

It sucks. I assume most people would not want to be in a relationship without sex. One where someone does not feel sexual attraction towards them, but only love them in a romantic way. But I keep hoping there's someone who would

(I warned you, incoherent, but feel free to ask whatever you want. Can't guarantee you I'll answer everything though )

Don't worry, it takes a lot more to offend me

OH YEAH you might want to check out The Asexual Visibility and Education Network | asexuality.org, they have some great resources on the subject if you're interested.

 

Sexuality is fluid. If you identified as Asexual for a while, and then discovered you did experience sexual attraction, it wouldn't cancel out the time you were Asexual.

 

I wonder if I will get attacked by militants for pointing out that there are some asexual people who just get sick of all the things that come along with being sexually active, and just swear off it because they dont want to deal with it.

last time, that started a fight.

Asexuality comes in many flavors, just like there are flavors of being gay (bear, otter, wolf, twink, etc).

Yes, there are some people who inhereintly have no sexual drive. Some people are born with this, some people experince it due to health changes changing their sex drive.

Some people become asexual because of bad experinces, but this is not considered the norm.

and yes, some people choose to just swear off sex for person reasons. this IS NOT the same as 'Chastity' and 'Abstinance', which is people choosing to abstain from sex and physical intimacy to fulfil an external pressure, usually religious in nature.

 

To be honest, I've always felt asexual. Always. Even during my sexual education courses in school, I skipped a majority and only attended one or two, because I was ignorant and figured it would serve no use since I didn't feel that way towards others. I thought, "Why learn about sex when I'm never going to have it?" What a stupid decision on my part, but that's beside the point.

To me, my asexuality isn't going to go away within a day. If my girlfriend and I have sex, I'm pretty sure I won't be all up and over her, with a sex drive about ready to steer my own feet into her bed. Or I won't look at her like, "Oh, I want to have sex with you again right now". The best I can describe it is, perhaps a bisexual person who overtime realizes they're gay, but there are true bisexuals out there who are attracted to both sexes. If I happen to be the asexual who later realizes that I'm demisexual (which I have took into consideration many, many times), or I'm actually sexual, then that's fine. I'm still figuring myself out.

To answer your question, I put a label on myself because for the longest time, I felt like an alien. Like there was something broken. What human being lacks sexual attraction? Oh, asexuality? I actually belong now. I'm not alone. That's my intention for the label. It would be like me asking you why you identify as bisexual. Why can't you just say that you love all the people? What happens if you become gay? Like what you mentioned, sexuality is fluid. I identify as grey-asexual because it fits me and I don't have to feel like I'm playing games, saying that I'm pansexual when I'm actually not all too sexual.

If I were to do that, consequences would most likely occur. If I happened to get into a relationship with an individual with an extremely active sex drive, that would be hell. It wouldn't work. Which is why I have to label myself to some extent because if I don't, it could lead to problems. If I hadn't of told my partner about my "lack" of sexual attraction, and attempted to have sex, it would not be pretty.

It wouldn't bother me in the slightest. If I realized that I was indeed sexual, then that's fine. It's fluid.

If I didn't tell my sexual partner about my asexuality, as I mentioned, it could lead to consequences. Sex is apparently a very important key in most relationships, and I, unfortunately, will not be able to provide to most of their needs.

Then why do you label yourself as bisexual? Why does anyone label themselves?
I believe labels serve a purpose.

Hey, it's okay. Thank you for being considerate and taking the time to ask questions.

I think she's cute, hot, beautiful, every adjective you can use to describe an attractive person. That doesn't mean I want in on her. I don't want to have sex with her because I lack the sexual attraction part.

Ah, I cannot describe it in a way that's easily understandable... it just isn't there for me. And if it does come, well, I suppose I'm demisexual then. No worries to me.

I feel like I've gone around in circles with this post...
Perhaps the AVEN website could help you understand a bit better.

Sincerely, a very sleepy person who is not too good with words.

 

I do not agree with sexual orientations. I don't think that asexuality is the same as gay or straight, though. Biologically, I lack the hormones required to give me a sex drive. I can't see how this could be any more simple. I also don't think that this requires understanding. You may not understand why someone might think they are not the gender that their body might suggest; that doesn't mean it's not possible. It is as simple and clear as night and day to us, so trust us.

 

I have never felt sexual feelings. Admittedly, I've (hopefully) lived only a small proportion of my life so far, but as far back as I can remember, I have never felt sexual attraction or arousal.

I mean, I've tried touching my clitoris, in the ways that many women describe as pleasurable, and to me it feels no different than touching any other body part. The only physical sensations I've felt in my genital area that are not equivalent to any 'non-sexual' body part are the need to pee or poop.

It is possible that I could meet someone someday and start feeling attracted to them. But even then, I would not just be gay, straight or bisexual. Depending on the context, I would be either 'grey-asexual' or demisexual (which technically might be considered a type of grey-A, I guess). The fact that I have gone 13 years not feeling any sexual feelings when most people do feel them is still significant, even if I feel sexual attraction tomorrow.

It's a pretty big leap to go from 'I don't feel sexual attraction all the time' to 'it's impossible to never feel sexual attraction'.

Oh, and by the way? I do find bisexuals hard to understand. But no more so than straight or gay people. All of you feel feelings I have never felt.

 

why don't you try asking yourself your own question?

"when you do feel sexual attraction, then why do you put a label on yourself? Couldn't it be that tomorrow you would suddenly stop feeling sexual attraction?"

if you are so certain that that wouldn't happen to you, why is it impossible for someone to be just as certain that they won't start experiencing sexual attraction tomorrow?

actually, even better questions to ask yourself can be found below.

what about yourself? you identify as bisexual today, but in labeling yourself as such is that making it harder for you to accept the possibility that 10 years from now you may find yourself sexually attracted to only the same sex? why label yourself bisexual if that possibility exists?

you are somehow convinced that in labeling oneself asexual one is denying the possibility of change in the future, but the exact same could be said to you. why don't you point your questions at yourself first and see how you feel?

in suggesting that asexuals shouldn't label themselves as such because they may experience sexual attraction in the future you are essentially saying that asexuality is a phase, which it is not.

is you bisexuality a phase? if so, why do you label yourself bisexual? you might not be bisexual 10 years from now, you know. if it's not a phase, what makes your bisexuality any less of a phase than asexuality? hmm?

i honestly do not understand why you somehow think that labeling oneself asexual "doesn't change much" in comparison to labeling oneself homosexual, bisexual or anything else. i completely agree with Oddish: labeling oneself anything, whether asexual or otherwise, serves a purpose and the label "asexual" does not serve any less of a purpose than any other label.

ones asexuality affects ones relationships and life just as much as ones bisexuality, homosexuality, etc. and please do not assume that the relationships in which asexuals partake in are somehow lesser than those which involve sexual attraction. as if sexual attraction is the glue that holds all serious relationships together or is the sole foundation on which any serious relationship is built.

like Oddish, i am an asexual who is in a relationship with a sexual partner. let me assure you that labeling myself asexual rather than "open" or "blank" has played a very important role in our relationship; using such vague language as "open" or in fact not labeling myself at all would have been detrimental to our relationship, without a doubt. let me also assure you that in our relationship me and my partner can and do do "all that stuff like other (hetero)sexuals", as you put it. please stop viewing asexuality as somehow making things lesser or not on par with every other type of relationship or sexuality. even if you did not mean to imply this, you have.

do you not find it funny that you are suggesting someone else not do the very thing that you yourself have done in labeling yourself bisexual...?

at 27 years old, having been in one relationship for 5 years and in another relationship for 4 years and going, do you think that i have jumped to conclusions too quickly in labeling myself asexual? do you honestly think that given the fact that i am currently in a relationship with a sexual person i would label myself asexual without feeling i have very, very good reason in doing so?

let me assure you that i have not been hasty in the least to label myself asexual (or anything else) and that if in the future i do experience sexual attraction my current asexual label will not hold me back at all from choosing a new label that fits better, just as i imagine your label of bisexual will not hinder you should your circumstances change.

i think what it really boils down to is you needing to accept the fact that ALL labels, including your current bisexual label, are based on past and present experiences. no one is claiming to know their future and thus completely deny possibilities that may exist in the future. however, life takes place in the present, not the future. someone who labels themself asexual is not denying a possible future involving sexual attraction anymore than someone who labels themself bisexual is denying a possible future involving sexual attraction to only one sex/gender.

i really don't see how that is so hard to understand. i really don't see why you see the label "asexual" as somehow inherently being more restrictive than "bisexual" when "bisexual" is just as specific a label as "asexual".

i know this question was directed at Oddish, but i feel that it might be helpful to quote myself from this thread.

 

I saw this on AVEN once.

 

Your viewpoint makes a lot of sense to me personally and pretty well describes my thought process about asexuality as well. I too would like to get a better understanding of it. I had a good friend tell me a few months back that she thought she was asexual. She told me that she didn't feel any sort of desire, physical or emotional, towards men or women at all anymore. Of course I fully supported her, but I wondered to myself if it might just be a dry spell she's going through at the moment. Then, I realized I was thinking the same way that a lot of people, gay and straight alike, think about people of our orientation (bisexual). I thought "No, I will NOT let myself fall into the trap of thinking asexuality is just a phase because then I am just as bad as the people who denounce bisexuality." So, I've come to the conclusion that, though I don't fully understand it, I fully accept and embrace it as I would any other orientation on the spectrum. I realized that my doubts about my friend's asexuality had more to do with me worrying about her. I thought "Oh no, if she's asexual she'll never want to be with anyone and then she'll become a spinster and die alone!!!" :eek: Which is, of course, a ridiculous train of thought, but it just seemed to happen to me without my control. I'd venture that asexuality is probably the least well understood and least visible orientation on the spectrum and there should be more education and awareness around it.

 

just saw this and felt a need to reply.

choosing to abstain from sex for personal reasons, including trauma, IS abstinence. if one abstains for religious reasons it is considered celibacy. either way, asexuality is unrelated to any such choice, decision or repulsion related to sex; celibacy, sex repulsion, abstinence etc all describe sexual BEHAVIOR, not sexual orientation. people do not simply become nor choose to be asexual anymore than people become or choose to be homo/hetero/etc-sexual.

to quote Wikipedia:

Celibacy - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

Asexuality - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

 

...you're missing the point of what i said. i didn't pose the possibly of becoming sexually attraction only to the same sex for a short term. of course that wouldn't be any different from what you already experience as a bisexual. the question was:

what if 10 years from now you find yourself sexually attracted to only the same sex? ever. period. what if you never experienced sexual attraction to the opposite sex again?

in other words, what if 10 years from now you become homosexual rather than bisexual? you said sexuality is fluid, right? so in labeling yourself bisexual, are you not denying the possibility of being homosexual? and no, liking only the same sex sometimes is not the same as being homosexual.

again, you're missing my point. you keep focusing on how you don't always find someone sexually attractive and how you can go for short periods of time without feeling sexual attraction at all. what's your point? of course people often go for periods of time without being sexually attracted to someone. of course that's a part of life. what does that have to do with aseuxality?

why can't you see that asexuality is beyond all that? how can you honestly compare not experiencing sexual attraction for a month or even a year to falling madly in love with someone with all your heart, so much so that you would give up the world for that person and yet somehow sexual feelings never develop as a part of that? ever. how can you compare a short term absence of sexual attraction to a lifetime of it, regardless of whether that particular person's lifetime is 20 years or 60?

you say that you see how identifying as asexual would be appropriate for me given my age, but it can be just as appropriate for someone who is younger than me. why is it so hard to accept that just as someone can know that they are bisexual at the age of 18 that someone could also know that they are asexual at the same age?

as i said in my previous post, no one is denying that sexuality is fluid and that someone who identifies as asexual today may not identify as such 20 years from now. labels simply describe the past and/or present. they are by no means chains & padlocks which restrict the future. as such, if someone wishes to label themselves asexual at 18, they are no more restricted by that label than someone who identifies as bisexual at 18.

while i see the point that you are getting at, why should i or anyone else pretend to be something we're not? yes, what me and my partner do in bed is no one else's business just as what ANY couple/group of people do in private isn't anyone else's business. however, one's sexuality, whether asexual or otherwise, does not just get left behind when one leaves one's bedroom.

for example, as i am 27 and my supposed "biological clock" is "ticking", my mom keeps asking me when i will have kids because she desperately wants grandchildren. if i were an asexual who doesn't have sex, what am i to tell my mom who assumes that my relationship with my male partner involves sex "just like every other relationship"? if i pretend to be a heterosexual as you have suggested, that would not explain why i will not have biological children. on the other hand, i also cannot tell my mom that i don't want children because that would be a lie.

do you see the predicament here...? even if i were to bring up the matter of adoption, i would then be asked "why adopt when you could just have your own?" any explanation i could possibly give that leaves out my asexuality would just be dancing around the real reason.

another example of why pretending to be something i'm not is problematic is that people, whether friends, family or strangers, often make sexual jokes or references in regards to myself and my partner, all based on the assumption that we have sex "like everyone else". why should i have to simply ignore something like that which genuinely bothers me and play into people's assumptions? why would i not correct them as anyone would do when presented with a false assumption?

....oh no, not the "demisexuality is common/normal" thing again. :eusa_doh: ugh, so many people say that and if that's what you think then i think that you, like so many other people, do not truly understand what demisexuality is.

....but seriously, i do not want to get into that argument right now. that will have to be saved for another time....

 

I understand what the OP is saying, but I also totally get the loss of understanding I see in some posts.
I think the difference lies in what labels do/mean for you. For example. I have always (wanted) to view myself as heterosexual. However, as I've always been attracted to men, and NEVER to women so far, I've been having an existential crisis recently.
The OP would say: Label yourself Bi, or wait, because you don't know for sure whether you could also like girls or not. Correct? So by labeling myself bi, I would be keeping all options open.
However, the problem is that I think NOW, that I will never feel something for any girl. If I label myself as bi, I'll still be keeping that option open, while I know that it will not happen, which will just be confusing. If I turn out to fall in love with a girl, I can always change my perspective, but for now, labeling myself as gay is what will help me understand myself and order my life somehow.

If somebody who is asexual keeps on calling him/herself straight people won't understand him/her. It's all about creating a place for yourself where YOU at least, understand who you are. That is what labels are for.
As a bisexual, I can understand how you have kind of diminished the importance of labels in your head because they have proven not to work for you (because men/women both work for you). This leads to your posts looking like you are saying: Let's all be bisexual because we can never know for sure whether we won't end up loving/being sexually attracted to men and women. However, for me because I feel like I won't, I have to help myself out by closing the 'heterosexual door' until proven otherwise, or risk staying confused.

 

I identify myself as a demisexual - a subset of an asexuality.

When I try to explain what it is like to be an asexual, I explain it as never experiencing sexual attraction just as you do as children. I personally never got "turned on" by anything during my time going through puberty. I always considered people as just people and never had a tendency to become sexually close to another person.

However there have been people in my life that I can literally fall in love with and want to become romantically involved with. I identify as demisexual because when I do hit that stage, I find them sexually desirable. This has been the case with every "crush" I've ever had.

Anyway I just wanted to say that WE EXIST

 

Those people are not asexual, they're celibate.

Behavior does not equal orientation. If you feel sexual attraction, you are not asexual. If you don't feel attraction, you are. Regardless of whether or not you choose to have sex.

 

As asexual, I've found myself in positions where people have been coming onto me, or intimate times when people have turned down the music, dimmed the lights and leaned in towards me. At the time, I don't even notice these things. I just carry on talking about the Power Rangers or whatever else.

---------- Post added 6th Apr 2013 at 10:41 AM ----------

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I don't 'label' myself at all. Many people feel the need to do so for people such as yourself who don't understand some of the basics of sexuality and how it works. In my post above, I call myself an asexual. I know that I am not exactly asexual as Wikipedia would describe it. That's because, when we have to adopt these labels for your sake, we are picking a sexuality from a list, and no one orientation really suits anyone perfectly.

 

You forgot one group - asexuals who don't even have any libido.

 

Gah, diversity. Always foiling my attempts to be inclusive.

 

I don't know how best to explain it. I just can't feel an attraction towards anybody, and have never felt one, at least not in the romantic way you're speaking of. You're right, there could be somebody someday we'll meet and find out we are sexually attracted to. But there are others who live their whole lives without loving (or in the case of someone I know, they simply refuse to believe that anyone would love them). As to whether it's a high chance of them meeting a soul mate, it's hard to say. Some don't ever, others might. Personally, though, I don't see myself being sexually attracted to anyone in the near future, besides thinking their personality is 'interesting'.
But of course, that just goes for me. Not sure about other asexuals.