I am a married man who questions sexuality

Hey.
Sexuality is not limited to physical sex. When I came out to my wife I planned on remaining monogamous. Because it's what my wife thought she needed. I was prepared for that.

What I was not going to do was suppress my gay feelings. My wife commented early on "You cannot NOT be gay and you cannot be gay alone". So, I am developing platonic gay friendships were I am out to them as a bisexual. Both my wife and I attend Pride events together, I have gay nights out, I attended a gay ski weekend and partied with other gay guys.

The other thing my wife and I do is guy watch together. She will see a good looking guy and point him out. It's a game that allows us to discuss what I feel and she can be a part of it. As
It turns out, this is a lot of fun for her. My bisexuality doesn't have to be a bad thing...or a hurdle for us to overcome. It is just part of me and makes me who I am.

I use the term "gay" rather than bi. My same sex attractions are important and I don't want to diminish them as the "other attraction".

I encourage you to find ways to explore the gay aspects of your sexuality...it doesn't mean sex!

 

It probably is harder when you had sex with men outside of marriage. I was lucky and didn't do this...not judging...I came really close to it. So, there are going to be some raw feelings which may make your sexuality a bad thing with your wife.

This will take some work as you know. But, I hope you are careful not to try and bury your sexuality either...it doesn't work.

 

Does being "faithful" to your wife require you to put thoughts of sex with men out of your mind? I mean the "thoughts" not the "actions". If my wife said I don't want you to "think" about sex with men I would have to divorce her. If she said I don't want you to "have" sex with men, I would say OK.

 

Two thoughts come to mind reading both your posts above. First, I trust you feel comfortable with the new therapist and the chemistry works. If for whatever reason you are not completely comfortable, do not hesitate to find another that is more compatible.

Second, in terms of your second post on defining yourself as bisexual. Consider taking your time a bit before putting any labels on yourself. Spend more time with your therapist, reflect on your discussions, continue to evaluate your life. There is no rush, this is not a race (unlike in your career where I am sure everything needs to be decided and acted upon immediately).

You might find your feelings ebb and flow a bit, and that's ok. Stay open minded. You might very well come to the same conclusion, but given how much you have been through and how much you need to cover, time is on your side.

 

A thought on this one, you might have made a conscious decision, but that decision might then require you to suppress your true sexual nature; where your ultimate goal is to be able to live as authentic a life as possible. While the love for your wife inclines you to make such a sacrifice, you need to think if this will make you happy. Because if your not happy, your wife definitely will not be happy. And, based on your prior expriences, I would be highly suspect that you would be able to maintain such a commitment (sorry if that stings a bit).

I am going to put this out there, and its probably ahead of the game as you will most likely confront this at some point with either your sex therapist or couples therapist, but you should consider if staying with your wife is in both of your best interests. And for the love you might have for your wife, maybe the right answer is for you and she to be apart.

 

ill throw my two cents in for what its worth.tell the wife.file for divorce. figure yourself out on your own. dont drag her down while you are figuring it out because if you start cheating again (which is very likely because what your supress you only end up obessed). move on with your own lives and figure yourself out on your own time. dont waste hers.

analogy: its dark. late at night. you are afriad to walk down a scary road late at night. you see a nice person near the road and ask them if they dont mind walking down the road with you just in case anything happens. the person is a good hearted and says ok ill walk with you. so off you go. its scary as hell. but you get to the end of the road to your destination. whew you made it! but then suddenly you tell the person ok i made it thanks so much goodbye. now the person has to walk all the way back down the same dark road alone without your protection. they have to backtrack alone and make up the distance and time they wasted with helping you but you didnt offer to drive them back or walk back with them.

my point is dont do that to you wife. you decided to go down this path, so man up and go solo but dont take someome down with you out of fear.

 

@early40's that seems too harsh, I would at least give it a year at this point on the principle with so much upside if the relationship works out.
I really appreciate this conversation. I am bisexual and the only person I have ever been with in my entire life is my wife. I haven't even kissed another person. I want to experiment with guys, but I am terrified of destroying what I already have. I do not think I have anything to add other than thank you for sharing. And thank you Nick for everything you already helped me with.

 

While I can not speak from my own personal experience (I hid my sexuality from my wife and myself and never acted on any urges other than watching occasional porn), your certainly heading in the right direction recognizing the pain you have caused your wife by cheating. I would stress, you should try not to beat yourself up for not having the conviction to be honest previously. The deck was stacked against you. You are from a generation where being LGBT was unnaccepted. And as we even see today, society is still struggling to accept it.

While you do not need to belate here why you were with guys, it is an issue you do need to address with yourself and understand.

You seem to be biting off a lot with your posts as you work your way through the numerous issues you need to deal with. Again, take your time. Do not come to any fast conclusions. Many of the thoughts you have will need to be addressed time and time again until you land on answers that feel right to you.

Also, do not let get to you others whom might judge your journey. It is not their place. But you should be mindful of the decisions you made and find your own way to reconcile them.

 

I would imagine your wife is seeing a therapist herself at this point? If not, she certainly should be.

Therapy and EC go hand in hand. Often Therapist would suggest group sessions, I found EC to be a better alternative to group sessions as there is a more diverse and experienced group here.

 

I do not want to knock therapy, but I have had really unpleasant experiences with it in the past. Especially with marriage counseling. Does it takes years to get to the acceptance phase of grief, regardless of the reason for the pain? Or is it possible that acceptance can come much quicker with a total commitment to honesty? What does a therapist do besides ask you questions that you are perfectly capable of asking yourself? I read this book Peak: Secrets from the New Science of Expertise. The author has the legitimate credentials to say and does say that therapists who are 'experienced' meaning doing it for years are usually outperformed by amateurs with minimal training. I do not take that to mean therapy does not work or has no value. I think though that a total commitment to honesty leads to immediate change. Could an honest addict sustain an addiction once someone confronted him or her about why he or she drinks? It is doubtful since lies are the enabling factor in addicts. Rationalisations: Lies we tell ourselves. Our brains evolved to survive not make us happy. Most of the problems in our life are caused because we started acting in a certain way in our past in order for us to survive our current situation. It is usually painful to confront the past, but we have the freedom to decide to no longer live today based on survival decisions we may not even remember. We have the freedom to be the person we want to be in the immediate real world.

---------- Post added 17th Feb 2017 at 12:36 PM ----------

I guess what I am saying is that I feel like everyone is told to go to therapy instead of confronting their problems with honesty. If the entire world decided that lies were no longer acceptable and made a total commitment to integrity and honest, then is there any doubt that all of the problems in the world would be solved quickly and efficiently? Yet, somehow individuals think they can violate the principles of life and rationalize and delude themselves into happiness. Therapy in that case seems like a bandaid on a bleeding artery.