I am 18 and my girlfriend is 34 is this a problem?

if you read what I've written, in this thread and every other where I talk about older-younger relationships, I also understand that it can turn out OK. You make it sound like I don't. I just point out that on the whole, it doesn't. About 10% of people who try IV heroin don't become addicted. That doesn't make it OK to tell people it's fine to try heroin. I don't know what the precise numbers are for age-gap relationships (in part because there are so many variables, it would take a really large study to make any meaningful analysis) but from the information I've seen, it's probably not much better than 10%. (Granted, an imperfect analogy because the risks in "trying" an older-younger or otherwise imbalanced relationship are far less serious than the risks of trying heroin.)

Actually, that is *terrible* advice. The last thing you want, if you want an emotionally healthy relationship, is a dual-role relationship, such as a mentoring relationship that is enmeshed with a romantic relationship. It sets up very, very unhealthy boundaries that are core to the problems I'm talking about. This is one of the reasons why there are such strict rules for mental health professionals that they cannot date anyone they have seen as a client.

I go back to the addiction analogy. It's not perfect but it's similar. People in addictions have had the reason centers of their brains hijacked by the drugs. People -- particularly younger people -- in unhealthy relationships, whether with an older person or a controlling person or an enmeshed/dual-role relationship usually don't realize that the relationship is unhealthy until they get out of it. Sometimes that's because it's the first time they've been in a relationship, sometimes because they're essentially 'under the spell" of the older person, sometimes it's because they had really dysfunctional childhoods and have no prototypes for what a healthy relationship should look like. Deep down, they usually know something isn't working... but they convince themselves that it's OK. It's only when they get out of it that they realize just how dysfunctional it was.

Someone who is totally happy with their relationship and sees no problems doesn't start a thread saying "I have this relationship with a much older person. Is this a problem." She may not consciously see the problem, but clearly some part of her does, otherwise she would not make the thread in the first place. And it is in these circumstances where there's an opportunity to educate and discuss the potential issues that can arise. That's very different from self-doubt due to internalized homophobia as a result of a culture that devalues homosexual relationships.

 

Well, the normal healthy relationship is something that volumes have been written on, so I don't think one can do justice in a paragraph, but some of the key points for an ideal healthy relationship are (in no particular order)

-- Absolute honesty/authenticity
-- Mutual respect, trust, appreciation
-- Built on interdependence, not dependence
-- Neither party is particularly "needy"
-- No meaningful power differentials (or power differentials that are balanced out)
-- No manipulation or control by one party toward the other
-- Open and meaningful communication
-- Openness and comfort of both parties to share concerns
-- Openness and comfort of both parties to really listen to the other's concerns
-- Willingness to compromise
-- Neither party afraid of conflict, but both willing to address it when it arises

There are undoubtedly a lot more than the above, but that's probably a good start.

There are definitely some people that are more prone to addiction than others, and there appear to be genetic factors associated with that, and certainly personality can play a role. But no one's immune to addiction, and it really isn't an accurate characterization that it's a personality issue.

There isn't much evidence that anyone can safely use opiates (heroin, oxycontin, vicodin, etc), cocaine, or amphetamines (crystal meth, adderal, ritalin, etc) over time without developing tolerance, which leads to addiction. Many addicts say they knew they were addicted the first time they tried their drug of choice. And every addict started out as a "responsible weekend user", and no addict ever intended to become addicted. But that's off topic to the main conversation

On this point, we totally agree.

 

Of course it can. It's just that, in practice, based on what I've seen, on some of the materials I've read, and on conversations with therapists working with people that have been in these situations, these 4 tend to be the most likely to be problematic in age-gap relationships

-- Built on interdependence, not dependence
-- Neither party is particularly "needy"
-- No meaningful power differentials (or power differentials that are balanced out)
-- No manipulation or control by one party toward the other

Amen to that. I would go so far as to guess that a majority (not an enormous majority, but probably at least 55%, pulling a number out of my ass) of LGBT relationships are fraught with problems in multiple areas of the ones I've described above. I do think, statistically, they're more likely to occur in relationships with age gaps. But other relationships are certainly not immune.

 

The OP is long gone, and the thread has run its course, so it's now closed.