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i’ve been outed

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by nat03, Apr 26, 2020.

  1. nat03

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    hi,
    i’m a senior in high school, i’m bi, and i have a boyfriend. I’ve had some issues in the past with my boyfriend just because he doesn’t know i’m bi and is very homophobic. frankly, all the guys in my friend group are, only the girls know and they’ve been kind enough to keep it a secret for me. i found out recently through one of my friends that it’s been going around that i am a lesbian. my friend emily got a call from her friend asking if me and her had been hooking up (emily is straight but ppl make fun of her bc she seems gay). emily told them no and they were like stop we know natalie’s a lesbian u don’t have to lie. the friend said that my guy friend had told her and their whole friend group knows for certain.

    i’ve been freaking out because i could deny it but i’m planning on coming out in college and i don’t know if it’s even worth denying at this point. i just hate the thought of everyone in my school talking about me and i can’t let it get back to my boyfriend. it’s easier since we’re in quarantine so i don’t think it’s traveling as fast but the friend group who knows is pretty popular and very gossipy so i don’t think it will stay a secret long.

    i don’t know how my guy friend found out and when i confronted him he acted like it was the first time he heard of it but emily’s friend was certain it was him. i’m pretty sure it came from my ex gf but we broke up two years ago and the relationship was a secret so i don’t know how it’s coming out now. i don’t know what to do from here. i feel like i’m waiting around everyday for it to get to my boyfriend. the thought of having to come out to him terrifies me but i don’t know if it would be worse coming from somewhere else.

    i’m also bi, not lesbian which is what people are saying, so i don’t know if i should just come out to clear the air. i just don’t feel ready for this yet.

    has anyone dealt with this before or have any advice? i really just want to ignore it and pretend it’s not happening but it’s making me more anxious everyday not knowing what people are saying or who has found out.

    thank you for taking the time to read all of that
    x, nat
     
  2. Laurennnn

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    Woaahhhh that's horrible! I'm really sorry, that sounds super hard.
    I was lucky enough to not have this experience, so this might not sound super helpful, but here's what might be good:
    So you could either clear the air right away or wait a bit until you were a bit more comfortable. I think there's no need to rush anything, no matter how many people know. This is your identity, so just blurting it out won't be any easier than ignoring the comments and waiting. That anxiety must be really hard to deal with, though, so maybe you could talk to someone like a therapist or a close friend. It sounds like your girlfriends are being supportive, maybe try talking to them just to help with the anxiety. Honestly, as big a deal as it is, if you act like it's not, the rumors will die down (I promise - they'll find something else and forget about you if they get bored). Maybe think of snappy comebacks so that if someone approaches you and starts calling you a lesbian, you can just make them look like an idiot. If you go at it from the aggressive angle, they'll leave you alone. Maybe once the rumors have started dying, THEN you can correct people. Because if it's already becoming less of a big deal, it won't seem like big news. I'm really sorry you have to deal with homophobia - that must be horrible.
    This is your sexuality, not nudes. Stupid people (no offense to your boyfriend lol) will find it much less interesting, if that gives you any reassurance.
    You got this!
    x, lauren
    this is making me so scared of going to hs in the fall now lol
     
  3. Unsure77

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    You’re a senior as in you graduate in 2020 or you’re a senior as in you graduate in 2021? If you graduate in 2020, are you even going to see these people much again?

    Also, I doubt if makes you feel any better, but if your boyfriend is homophobic, that was likely going to become a problem sooner or later anyway.
     
  4. BiGemini87

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    Ugh, gossip always travels fast in high-school. I'm sorry this is happening to you, and I hope the current quarantine will at least slow things down some.

    Ultimately, the choice is yours--but I think you should come out. Whoever is spreading it around that you're a lesbian has taken some of that power away from you: the power to decide if and when to come out, and how. Well, this might be a good time to take that power back, and to set the record straight.

    As for your boyfriend... I'm sorry to say this, but if/when he finds out you're bi, and if he acts like an asshole about it, cut him loose. You deserve someone who's going to accept all of you, not just part or the version they believe you to be. I know it's scary, I know it isn't fair that you've been put in this position--but as long as you're safe, I suggest coming out. Don't let him hear it from the rumour mill first. And who knows? He might surprise you, might prove to be more accepting than you think.

    If there's any risk to your wellbeing, however, I would ignore the rumours. Don't comment on them, don't even dignify them with a response of any kind. What you may or may not be is no one's business unless you want it to be.
     
  5. nat03

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    I graduate 2020. It’s not that big of a deal because I won’t see them any longer but I do live in a pretty homophobic town and I was trying to avoid the negative whispers for as long as possible. Im already a very self conscious person and now knowing that people know makes me even more anxious to see people from my school and possibly walk at graduation if we have one.

    And for my boyfriend, I was planning on breaking up with him before college with long distance as an excuse and just never telling him. I know it’s not healthy but I was trying to avoid confrontation as much as possible and the idea of having that coming out conversation is so overwhelming. I know this problem seems pretty small, I could be in a much worse situation but it’s just stressing me out idk.
     
  6. nat03

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    thanks lauren! don’t be scared of going to high school it’s much better than middle school trust me. yeah that’s good advice thank you, I might just let the rumors die down (it may have not even travelled far) and my friends have been pretty helpful too.
     
  7. nat03

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    yeah thank you, that’s definitely the smart way to go about things. i’m lucky that i’m not in any immediate danger and my close friends that know are supportive but when it comes to the rest of my town and my bf I’m just so horrible at confrontation and so scared about what people will think of me.
    with my boyfriend, I also don’t know how to go about telling him during quarantine because I feel like that should probably be a face to face conversation. But you’re also right that it should definitely come from me and not a rumor. at this point i’m wondering if he has heard it but hasn’t brought it up to me. every time he acts slightly off i think he’s found out. i just don’t want to lose him and all of my guy friends too. i feel guilty if this tears my entire friend group apart i know that sounds juvenile and is not that important in the long run but i also don’t want my girl friends resentful of me if the guys don’t want to hang out anymore or if i just make it awkward. i just don’t want to make everyone uncomfortable

    thank u for ur advice i know there’s a pretty clear answer to this i just don’t know if i can do it
     
    BiGemini87 likes this.
  8. Unsure77

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    Your feelings are valid and understandable. These are people who have likely been your world up until now. It’s probably hard to imagine life without them being important to you (and in some ways they always will be because they’re an important part of your past).

    However, given circumstances, it’s probably mind bending right now for you, but these people are your past, not your future. You’re all going to graduate and maybe hang out over the summer some and then you’re going to go your separate ways and built separate lives. You may go years at a time without seeing lots of them unless you go to the same college. And if we’re being honest, with covid, it’s probably debatable how much you’ll even be able to spend time together this summer.

    So, maybe just look at this with some perspective. Your family will be a major part of your life forever. These high school friends...in all honesty, likely not so much unless you all never move from your home town and you manage to never grow apart. More likely is that your life a year from now will be unrecognizable to you. You’ll be in a completely different setting with completely different friends and with completely different worries and this will be a faint memory. And the group of people you’re worried about (because of covid) are unlikely to be part of your day to day ever again.

    So, maybe don’t stress out about it too much. And just try and make sure you find a friend group in college in a few months who know, accept, and love you for who you are. You’re about to get a magical opportunity. You’re about to get to start over fresh with new people in a new place.
     
    #8 Unsure77, Apr 28, 2020
    Last edited: Apr 28, 2020
  9. BiGemini87

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    I know it's hard to think any other way, but whatever happens--if this puts a strain in the friend group, if it causes some kind of shift or change in everyone else's interactions--that is not your fault. You didn't cause this situation; someone else outed you, and now with rumours flying around, that person has essentially forced you to make a choice. If you choose not to say anything at all, that's your decision to make--and perhaps if you take that route, everyone's interest in these rumours will die down. Perhaps your friend group won't think anything of it, because you won't be giving them reason to?

    It's definitely a tough situation, and I understand your fears. In your shoes, I'd probably feel the exact same way.

    I hope things work out, whatever choice you make or whatever happens next. And remember: it's not your fault. It really isn't. You didn't choose to be bi, and you certainly didn't choose to be outed like this. If you need anything, we're here. :slight_smile:
     
  10. Rin311

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    This is a really disgusting and mean thing to do to anyone, and I understand your anxiety.
    The good thing is that you'll be off to college soon, in an entirely new environment, where high school rumors and false friedships won't follow you, and you can make your own decisions about whether to come out or not, depending on your readiness and feelings. It's a matter of getting through this period until you're away from these people.
    It's up to you how to handle this. You could use it as an opportunity to come out - if you feel ready and if it won't put you at risk - using a very casual attitude ("yeah, so?") which would probably make them look a bit childlish for making such a big deal over it. Or, if you feel you wouldn't like to come out just yet, deny it - again, with the same cool and casual attitude. People who spread rumors are usually trying to start some drama. Don't give into it.
    Most of all, don't take any of this out on yourself. You didn't start this situation and you didn't do anything wrong. Take care.