I’m so stupid and i’m sorry (an explanation for inactivity)

TW: mention of s/h, su*c*dal thoughts and hearing voices. (No details though)

So I have not been active for a couple of days and I wanted to explain why. So people understand I have been officially diagnosed with borderline personality disorder, schizophrenia and body dysmorphic disorder for a while.

I can’t remember which day everything started because I dissociated and my brain has blocked most of it out but the story behind my inactivity is that somebody in my life was repeatedly triggering me and no matter which DBT skills I used it just didn’t help me or the situation and it just erupted into a huge argument where I was called selfish, evil, a hypochondriac, an attention seeker and this person told me they hate me multiple times. This was heartbreaking for me because whilst I am horrible when i’m angry I have never said anything like these things said to me (the majority of things I mention are aimed at myself and are frantic efforts to avoid abandonment) and I did not believe I am any of these things but I do now and I can’t get them out of my head. There is a DBT skill called ‘STOP’ I was desperately trying to use but this person would not met me leave the room. I then did something extremely stupid. I hurt myself pretty badly and ended up writing a su*c*de note and did have plans to go through with it but then I saw a picture of me and my girlfriend and was horrified at what I had done. I sobbed uncontrollably and was ashamed of myself and I still am deeply. I am by no means an angel but the majority of the things I said in that argument was just me defending myself and asking them to stop. I am going to take accountability though and say I did swear at them and tell them i’m done with them. I had voices screaming at me the entire time. I then blocked this person on various contact points to protect myself but left one point of contact open just incase because I planned to unblock them but I then got a text saying “I see you have erased me from your life so i’ll be gone soon, don’t you worry” which sent me into a huge panic because I felt like it would be my fault if they did something.

My girlfriend has been with me ever since and comforted me. We basically live together anyway but I am so grateful to her. In all honesty in that moment all I wanted was for everything to stop. Things have been sorted out between me and this person (it wasn’t my girlfriend) and they have since apologised and taken responsibility and I apologised for my part in it too but I can’t stop thinking about it. This was not my friend from my previous thread either, it was somebody else. I feel like the worst person alive. I know i’m not the only victim in this situation because I reacted. I am genuinely lucky not to be back in a psychiatric hospital because things had been building up for a while. I’m still hearing voices frequently and seeing my mental health nurse and psychologist soon. I have been speaking to mental health professionals. I want to stress that I am safe. I’m vulnerable at the moment but will be okay. I’m extremely disappointed in myself because I hadn’t harmed myself in a while and I scar abnormally due to a physical health problem too so that is not going to help my body issues as I already have scars.

I apologise for my inactivity and I hope everyone is doing okay and is having a great day.

 

Thank you everyone for your replies, I just didn’t want people to think I was ignoring them.

I promise I will get back to everyone over the next couple of days or maybe even tomorrow. I just wanted to explain and am just going to spend tonight with my girlfriend. Sending hugs to everyone and i’m sorry you relapsed too Pluto. You’re all very kind and I appreciate you all caring.