I feel like I’ve dug myself into a hole. I’m 25, lonely, and I’ve never really dated. I had a couple unpleasant & very short dating experiences in high school, and after that I figured I’d just let it happen naturally. Around this time, I started seriously questioning my sexuality, which I’ve done ever since. I’ve long resigned myself that I’m probably some repressed shade of bisexual, but it’s complicated, and time alone isn't making it any clearer... It hangs over me and doesn’t really feel real since I’ve never even dated, you know? Questioning my sexuality encouraged me to not be proactive in dating, as I was, and am still, terrified of realizing that I’m faking something, or being forced out of the closet. Moreover, it’s simply never come at all close to happening naturally. Because of my studies and interests, especially now I’m always surrounded by straight men (at least as far as I know). In recent years, in graduate school, I’ve grown lonely, and realized that I need to be more proactive about these things to have any hope of meeting anyone. I’m slowly improving on being more socially active but still have no hopes for any romantic prospects. I don’t drink, so I’m not interested in going to bars and going to an LGBTQ+ event sounds terrifying since I’m not out. Since it seems like there aren’t any good ways for me to meet people normally, it seems like the most natural way to do that is to use dating websites, but I feel paralyzed by the sexuality part of that too. I have a few friends, but no one close enough that I want to come out to them or discuss these questions with them. My family relationships aren’t very good either. The idea of coming out to local strangers with my real name and pictures is terrifying. Part of me feels that I shouldn’t come out until I’m completely sure, or at least have some experience in real relationships, at least on the hetero side of things. But if the most reasonable way to have a real relationship is starting online, that means lying to people who I’m trying to date, which I don’t want to do, and I’m terrified of being outed before I’m ready. How can I understand my sexuality better if not through dating? How can I date if I’m not out? How can I come out if I don’t have anyone I’m comfortable coming out to? I feel like I’m in zugzwang. I’ve never come out to anyone, even over the internet, except my pet turtle. Thanks for reading.
*hug* Take a deep breath. You're among (potential) friends here. Feel free to post as much as you'd like and lean on the members here for support and advice. Feel free to get in touch with any of us if you have any questions or need anything. Now that, that's out of the way. As an (almost) 29 year old Virgin who stays with his parents, I never really dated either. I came out to supportive friends, got onto dating apps and started interacting with the local LGBTQ+ community after I turned 28. So it's barely been a year. Was it overwhelming? Yes. As a gay person with no experience in dating (both guys and girls) who doesn't care about getting physically intimate, I am definitely in the minority. I have no shame in revealing that most of the LGBTQ+ community in my city has people who just hook up left-right and center. The dating apps are full of discreet guys who just want to have NSA relationships or quickies. It gets frustrating sometmes when all I want to look for are decent guys to get to know and date. I was unsure of my own sexuality too. I was confident about myself, but I had no proof since I never dated nor was physically intimate (not even a kiss) with guys or girls till I turned 28. It took me a long time before I was ok with displaying my picture on the apps and interacting with people. It's ok not displaying one either, you can share the pic if and only if you're comfortable with the guy you're interacting with by the way. Is there any possibility you can interact with a local LGBTQ+ chapter or attend any events? The first event I attended in my city was a gay potluck. I met some nice people, who are now my friends, and some not so nice people (who were just happy with classifying me as new meat to be intimate with) who I ignored. I didn't regret going there though. Maybe you can try something like that?
You are "Questioning" your sexuality, and the way for you to make progress is to find answers for those questions. You don't have to be dating, having sex or in a relationship to know your sexual identity. So there is no need to pressure yourself into finding someone if you don't feel ready yet. You've given lots of reasons for why you've avoided dating anyone, and those are your reasons. You don't need to feel negatively about yourself for not feeling ready. One thing that can help is meeting new friends. I don't mean getting rid of your old friends and replacing them, there's no need to do that. But if your existing friends are not the sort of people you want to open up to about your sexuality just yet, then it may helpful for you to meet other LGBT poeople, or even straight people with LGBT friends, and just listen to them. Learn about how they've coped with their coming out experiences and relationships, and how they function in every day life. The idea of coming out seems a lot less daunting when you hear people talking about homosexuality in a positive manner.
I'm actually experiencing a few of the things you talk about, too - although it's only been a short while in my case. At this point, it seems to me that if I keep on questioning and reflecting on my sexuality, I've already answered my question - at least to some degree.... Since I also need to find somewhere that feels safe to actually explore, I've decided to spend a few months in another city and country where there is a large LGBTQ community and lots of different ways to try and connect with people or even just be around them - I usually live in countries where there is some risk for LGBTQ people. We'll see what happens - I'll be leaving in three months. When I get there, I can immerse myself as much or as little as I decide to. One step at a time. I have no idea what will happen, but I'm not interested in having regrets either. We all have unique circumstances but many people in the community have had to go through some real angst to get to the other side and they may be more understanding than you might think. If i may say, you have already 'come out' here with us in a sense and hopefully that feels a little liberating - it did for me.
