(The usual disclaimer: this is a very long post.) Today, my therapist asked me, "What's it gonna take for you to get unstuck?" This floored me. I'd never really thought of it as something that was up to me. I've been operating under the assumption that I will eventually "figure out the true nature of my sexuality" and then I'll be able to move on with my life. But what if that never happens? Or, more accurately, what's preventing me from making that happen? The truth is, I'm OK being stuck. I never admitted this before. Maybe I'm even afraid of getting unstuck. Right now, my life is manageable. It's not happy, but it's not nearly as bad as it used to be. I'm not suicidal, I stopped drinking, I'm in passable physical shape, I get laid sometimes (with women) and I'm earning a decent income. But I know this to be a sad compromise state. I'm not even close to fulfilling my potential as a person. I don't feel joy. I don't even know what would bring me joy. My sleeping and eating patterns are a mess; I live like a vampire. (My therapist says I'm "dis-regulated.") I exercise only occasionally, and with extreme reluctance. I'm a very senior expert within my profession but I'm doing pretty banal consulting work to pay the bills. I spend most of my time alone; I don't have friends to regularly hang out with. My relationships with women are deliberately shallow, and I crave female attention purely to boost my self-esteem. I stopped drawing/painting ages ago; my creativity has faded entirely. I stopped reading too. I'm extremely cynical about the country and the world, and secretly resentful of happy, successful people. I'm a crusty old curmudgeon at age 40. I feel deeply lonely and misunderstood (but I don't even understand myself). My sexuality is pretty dis-regulated too. My "gay" fantasies of penetration often feel like a kind of intense, desperate anxiety relief or self-soothing. I crave cock the way a baby craves a pacifier; it doesn't start with attraction to a man. Other times, the idea of sex is totally off the table, similar to when I was more depressed. This makes "figuring out my sexuality" even trickier. Also, I have this weird, regressive relationship with my ex-wife. I love her the way a little boy loves his mother. She's my security blanket. I literally crave cuddling with her whenever I'm anxious or uncomfortable (which is often). She comes to visit about once a week and we do just that. It's totally non-sexual, just incredibly soothing and relaxing for me. I'm overly attuned to her feelings; when she's happy, I'm happy and vice-versa. I know this is how a baby relates to its mother, and that I'm projecting all my Mommy issues on her, and that for some reason she seems to be OK with it. But I can't stop. So, back to the original question: what's it gonna take to get off this fucked-up island? I don't know, but here are some things that have caused other people to budge: Falling in love. You hear this a lot on EC, particularly with older married men who have been on the DL for a long time, and then meet a guy and fall in love and realize it's not just about sex, they're truly gay and want to be with a man. This scenario was one of my deepest fears when I was married, and that fear in many ways led to my divorce. But it's not even close to happening, since I avoid dating men. The death of a parent. Sometimes people have issues with their parents that aren't even conscious, and they don't realize how much that's been holding them back until they die. I have a feeling this is the case with me. Although my parents have come to accept the idea that I might be gay, and say they just want me to be happy, I can't imagine bringing a man to meet them. It still feels like a disappointment, or a consolation prize. A major health scare. It's a common story: after a heart attack or stroke, people become acutely aware of just how little time is left, and decide to live life without regret. I'm reasonably healthy but emotionally a disaster. I feel all kinds of pain and shame and grief, but I'm really efficient at dissociating from all of that. I know there are physical consequences to this kind of soul-sickness. A spiritual experience. I'm in AA, so I hear about spirituality a lot. I've never really experienced it. I'm generally quite hostile to religion, and quite cynical about various "new age" practices. Sometimes I think I should go take some ayahuasca, but the idea of puking and shitting for a couple of days seems unpleasant, plus I'm on SSRIs and I'd have to go off them first. Does any of this resonate with anyone? Sometimes I feel like my situation is utterly unique and particularly bizarre.
The thing that strikes me about your post is that you describe how different parts of your life are going, with some successes and struggles, which you then sum up with one word as "stuck." This seems very self-critical and seems to keep you from having an accurate view of what is working and not working in your life. To me, that seems like a mental habit (the way you think about yourself and your life) to work on countering and diminishing.
Hey I wouldn't say ive been through what you have but I have seen similarities with other peoples stories, I think for guys often same sex attraction just starts as sex because that is the strongest feeling which the brain at times is unable to keep shut down. As that is the only one that gets through it is often just thought of as the only one that is in there but then as they manage to wipe away the fear and internalised homophobia the general attraction and romantic feelings begin to emerge too. I think from what you have written you sound like you are really fearful of anything changing, you say you stopped being creative, what is stopping you going back to that? You are out to some people, what about joining an LGBT group?
My fantasies didn't start with attraction to a man either. I believe that my lack of acceptance of my homosexuality is what prevented me from being attracted to the "whole" man, and not just body parts. I fantasized about gay sex, and sucking cocks, etc, but would have said that I had no attractions to men. I think this stems from internalized homophobia. After accepting myself, and coming out, that all changed, and now I do definitely feel attraction to men, completely separate from their body parts.
I don’t think that our situations are exactly the same, but my therapist once asked me “What’s it going to take?”. She implied I was heading towards disaster and I was waiting for things to get unbearably bad before I would do anything. I wasn’t prepared to do anything, so eventually stopped seeing my therapist. My only point of reference is others on EC, and at that time I did feel unusual. It seemed like everyone else on EC was more proactive in taking steps towards leaving their heterosexual relationships, or they seems to transition from reluctant to proactive so much quicker than me. It was fear that was stopping me. It was all a big unknown. I preferred the certainty of not feeling particularly happy, but coping, over the possibility of things going really badly if I took steps to change things. I eventually woke up and realised that my (ex)partner was emotionally abusive, and it wasn’t a particularly pleasant process, but now we’re separated, I’m glad that I did it. I couldn't have coped with it much longer, so I guess I did leave it as long as I could. I don’t really know what to advise, but I do understand bits of how you’re feeling.
Hey nerdbrain. I find a lot of similarities in my own experience and your post. It has been a few years for me now and I had one experience with a guy (oral) which was really enjoyable. I didn't like how he was pushy though and we only met on one date. It just felt like I was following a typical to be gay script (one night stands and easy sex). I've never been this way with women, so I'm not sure why I'm doing it with men. It was a kind of forcing the process on myself. Additionally I obsess a lot about it. I find that I'm suppressing fantasy and it comes out when I masturbate. After the experience with a guy I dated a woman. I came out to her as bi. The whole relationship was nothing more than a kind of projection of mommy issues on her. I feel really guilty about that. I think deep down she knows that I'm gay. She joked about this before.
@nerdbrain , that's an amazing and brilliant observation! Have you ever stepped across a creek from rock to rock,all the way looking for the next rock that's big enough and stable enough to step onto without slipping off and falling into the water? My take on your situation is that where you're at right now isn't comfortable, but it's stable and good enough to hang out there for a while, until you figure out your next step, with the plan that the next step will take you to a better place. I think that's OK, and you're free to stay where you are until either 1) you get tired of being where you're at, 2) something happens that makes it bad to stay where your at, or 3) taking that next step looks good enough that you're willing to take the risk of stepping off of your current situation. I'm cheering for you, whatever you choose, and whenever you choose to do it! =Sevn
I totally relate to the idea that it seems like other people are more in touch with their sexual identity and assertive about wanting to leave their heterosexual relationship. It’s really tough. Feels like I’m lacking courage that everyone else has. I suppose there comes a point where giving up my being for everyone else becomes unbearable.
I think a lot of people get onto social media, including Empty Closets, to write about things they've figured out, and courage they've discovered. People don't write a lot about things being just the same as they have been. That gives the impression everyone is in-touch with who they truly are, and that they are clear on where they are going. Honestly, I don't think that's accurate. Yeah, there are lots of people with clarity and direction, but I think there are a lot more of us who just keep marching down the same old path we know.
