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How to deal with a homophobic co-worker

Discussion in 'General Support and Advice' started by Jackie Ray, Jan 22, 2018.

  1. Jackie Ray

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    A new barber started last week and he has been making homophobic comments. Im not sure if he means what he is saying or its just masculine bravado talking; but whenever one of the guys makes a mean but good natured insult toward him he gets embarrassed and makes a homophobic remark. He says these remarks are not directed at me, but "other gay people", Im not sure why he is picking on me, Im not the one busting his chops; the other guys arent being mean to him; its just normal ballbusting, just good old fashion male bonding. It seems like he is sensitive and cant take a joke, the ribbing really wounds his pride, but I wont become his punching bag.

    I dont want to complain or whine, that would just show him that Im the "whiney faggot" he thinks I am. I want to fire back some insults and beat him at his own game, is this wise? I often go back and forth with the other guys they tell some off-color gay jokes and I say some offensive Irish or Italian jokes, its good spirited fun. The new guy isnt joking he is serious.

    Thursday he said how gays shouldnt be in the military because it puts the other soldiers at higher risk for HIV, if the gay soldier is shot and they are treating his wounds. He also said that gay soldiers would, after months at the front line would get horny and rape their male comrades. He said "no offense" to me, but that doesnt make it okay. I told him he was incorrect, I think soldiers get regular physicals and blood tests, so a very low risk of HIV, not to mention that we all dont have HIV and I told him gay men dont fuck or rape whoever when we get urges, we arent rapists.

    Friday he said that gays and trans are mentally ill because they want to be women, I told him he was misinformed about gender dysphoria and he was confusing things and that I enjoyed being a man; he couldn't believe that I never wanted to have a sex change operation, he is under the assumption that gay and trans are the same. Thankfully a customer stepped up to defend me, citing facts about gender dysphoria vs homosexuality and talking about the brain chemistry behind it, that the brain and body are opposite genders.
     
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  2. Niagara

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    It just sounds like he is a jerk who can't be reasoned with honestly, if he is that misinformed I don't think anything can be done to change it. Trying to play his own game with him might just make him more mad at you.

    Also, yes you are correct on the military stuff. There is literally zero chance of any soldier with HIV even getting outside the United States, and especially wouldn't be in a combat zone. Everyone being deployed anywhere, even just to Germany or on a ship, gets a full range of bloodwork tests done beforehand to make sure they are physically capable of fighting if need be. If someone in the military got HIV, they would last maybe 6 months at the most before it were discovered by a routine test or exam.
     
    #2 Niagara, Jan 22, 2018
    Last edited: Jan 22, 2018
  3. DinoArtist

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    He's just new and doesn't understand how things go yet. Maybe that's why he's making crazy jokes all the time. Maybe after a while he will calm down a bit.
     
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  4. Jackie Ray

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    @Niagara Wow, you really know your stuff. What happens to the sick soldiers after? I dont know why he doesnt like me, I havent even picked on him at all.

    @DinoArtist Im okay with funny and playful jokes, even if they are gay jokes but he is just being a jerk.
     
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  5. DinoArtist

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    I agree totally. But idk what you should do about it. Other than try to talk to him.
     
  6. Niagara

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    Until about 8 years ago, they would just be sent to a medical board and separated from service just like with any other injury that prevents them from doing their job. If they served more than 6 months, they would usually get an honorable discharge, along with whatever veteran's benefits they had earned, plus free treatment from the Veteran's Administration to help them manage it. Less than 6 months, and they'd be given an entry level separation which is the same as never joining in the first place. No benefits, but no negative record either.

    Since about 2010 the military decided that HIV medications are good enough to let the soldier stay in service while taking medication in a permanent non-deployable status, so they can never leave the United States. However, they are given a massive amount of restrictions. For example, they must sign something called a "safe sex order" which gives them extremely specific limitations on the type of sexual things they can and can't do. Violating it even once can get them prosecuted and jailed for aggravated assault (The HIV is legally considered a weapon in those cases, even though it was consensual). False accusations have become a problem with that too, all it takes is one angry ex-boyfriend/girlfriend to claim they broke the safe sex order with them to start issues, since there is no way to prove whether it's true or not.

    Unfortunately even when people are allowed to stay, it pretty much always wrecks their career and they get forced out one way or another eventually due to their superiors wanting them gone. Performance evaluations written by their chain of command suddenly drop a lot, which causes them to be denied promotions, and after two or three promotion denials they get booted from the military entirely due to the "up or out" rank system. They do still get HIV medication for life from the Veteran's Administration though.
     
    #6 Niagara, Jan 22, 2018
    Last edited: Jan 22, 2018
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  7. Richard321

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    I agree with Niagara. The new guy in your Barber Shop does sound like a jerk. He sounds like a barber who time-shifted from the 1970s or 1980s. He may mellow down, but if he doesn't he'll either leave or else get fired. Don't pander to the jackass. Just put him right and tell him off when he is out of order. Don't be afraid to shout at him. I don't like him already...
     
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  8. Jackie Ray

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    @Richard321 the other barbers who are straight guys think he's an asshole, they asked me if I wanted them to say something, but I'd rather fight my own battles. I dont want to lower myself to his level with really hurtful insult, like I know I said I insult the others guys but its in good fun, you know "guy stuff", its not meant to be cruel. I could talk to the owner, but that could get him fired, and while I dont care about him, the owner would lose the booth rent. I know she'd get rid of him in a second if I told her that he's been harassing me but I dont want her to be forced to choose between me and money. I know she'd always pick me, but its so unfair to put her in that position. I wouldnt want to shout at him like a crazy person, I'd look just a dumb as him.

    Once I had food poisoning and one of the guys joked that "I got bad meat in my can", it was crude and offensive toward gays, but it was also funny and good natured humor. I dont mind that kind of stuff.
     
    #8 Jackie Ray, Jan 24, 2018
    Last edited: Jan 24, 2018
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  9. Shorthaul

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    Ah the classic "dude who can't take a joke, but never stops telling them"

    In my personal experience with guys like that, you either go with self depreciating humor to show them it doesn't bother you, or you gotta just hit bellow the belt once or twice really hard.

    Take the dig at his man hood, next time he really bothers you just make a remark about how he is just jealous that you can get more ass than he can.
     
    #9 Shorthaul, Jan 25, 2018
    Last edited: Jan 25, 2018
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  10. Jackie Ray

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    I'm not sure what to do, I'm sort of a doormat. I'm scared that if I get him good that he would try to get even by taking it out of my hide. I'm going to just try to ignore him. With the way he leaves early and calls out, he won't be able to pay his chair rent and he'll get booted. I can at least hope so, anyway.
     
    #10 Jackie Ray, Jan 25, 2018
    Last edited: Jan 25, 2018
  11. Richard321

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    Hey, Jackie Ray, so what if the owner of the salon already has someone else ready to replace the douche bag before she boots him? All of you guys there should / could appraise her of the situation and say you don't want him booted unless she has a replacement... Jackie Ray, if I was having my hair cut by him I'd wait for it to be finished and my tip to him would be verbal not monetary. Or if he hadn't started on my hair I'd get up and walk away and give him that verbal tip before I left. Then I'd come and have my hair done by you the next time. You can cut my hair any day, Jackie Ray.
     
    #11 Richard321, Jan 26, 2018
    Last edited: Jan 26, 2018
  12. Jackie Ray

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    @Richard321 Its doubtful she'd be able to find a replacement, its a four chair shop and for years there were only three of us. The good news is he didnt berate me today, maybe the guys spoke to him, maybe he's starting to act more mature, or maybe he couldnt find the time to be a dickhead to me because we were very busy today.
     
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  13. Richard321

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    I see. Perhaps he is slow of catching on, and the efforts that you other guys have been making are starting to get through to him. He might be slow to process things. I'll be sat in your chair on Monday and I'll give him the stair if he plays up!
     
    #13 Richard321, Jan 27, 2018
    Last edited: Jan 27, 2018
  14. Jackie Ray

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    I was at work today and I found out out that the guy who has been making homophobic comments and calling me "Little Missy" is a licensed cosmetologist. Not that it means anything to me, but after all of his fag comments, Im surprised. He wasnt in today and I left early, but when I see him tomorrow Im going to say something to him. What a homo :smile: maybe he can do my nails and make-up :nail_care: :lipstick::lips:
     
  15. the prince

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    The irony :joy_cat: