Hi there! I'm new (just made this account about 20 min ago, lol) so I'm sorry if this is in the wrong place! I was wondering if anyone has any advice for coming out to my conservative Christian parents? They won't disown me, but I know they won't take it well at all. I spent several years hiding the fact that I'm gay because of how intensely ashamed I was, and because I was scared of going to hell. But I'm finally not ashamed of myself anymore . I think I'm ready to tell them. Any advice or words of encouragement is greatly appreciated. Thanks!
Hey, although I don't have any advice myself, since I'm from a non-religious environment, I can redirect you to someone who might help. If you look into the Welcome Lounge section, there's a thread 'Me, Myself, and I'. According to what's written there, that guy knows some useful stuff about coming out to religious parents. So you may ask there. Anyway good luck with your coming out
Hello Optimist17! Welcome to EC! Coming Out in a potentially hostile home environment can be very risky. Are you still dependent on your parents or do you live independently from them? If there is a significant risk that they may throw you out of their house or emotionally abuse you while you continue to live with them, it would be best just to wait to Come Out to them until you are living independently. Many parents are more concerned with loving their children rather than trying to impose conflicting religious prejudices on them, so there is a good chance that, while they probably won't initially 'approve', it will mainly be because of a lack of understanding since they probably haven't had much exposure to the LGBTQ community or LGBTQ people. You may want to download and print the PFLAG pamphlet Our Children for them if you think that they might be open to reading it. Also, check out this website. For your own information and to marshal arguments they might try to use based on the Bible, you might want to check out these links: https://forum.emptyclosets.com/inde...ut-being-lgbt-and-christian-very-long.277199/ https://forum.emptyclosets.com/inde...just-dont-know-what-to-do.292811/#post1101418 http://www.upworthy.com/there-are-6...n-the-bible-heres-what-they-really-say?c=ufb6 https://www.queerty.com/this-flow-c...age-is-so-easy-any-zealot-can-use-it-20150506 http://godmademegay.blogspot.co.uk/p/letter-to-louise.html Good Luck! I wish you all the best!
Hi Quantumreality! I'm 15, so I'm still dependent on my parents. I know they wouldn't ever disown me (although I have adult friends who said I can stay with them for however long I need if it comes to that) so I don't think it's dangerous to come out. I'm more worried about how to phrase it so they're not devastated. Lol.
First of all, congratulations on coming out to yourself when being brought up in a conservative Christian family. I can definitely relate to you. Coming out to yourself while being Christian can be tough because there is all the thoughts of going to hell, etc. You said your parents wont disown you? Just make your best judgment before you do so. It can always go either way. For me, i knew my parents wouldn't disown me or kick me out of the house, but they definitely didn't take it well (i had kind of a backup just in case... my brother said i could live with him until i was financially independent). I mean they didn't beat me or cuss me out, etc, but they constantly try and make me go and talk to our pastor at church. It is something that they just don't understand. For my parents, and grandma, they think that God would never make me like this. For this reason alone, it took me years to accept the fact that I'm gay. It wasn't easy, but I'm so happy now. I came out exactly one year ago (at 22) to my parents. I spent months trying to find out how to tell them because i was so scared. I eventually told them at dinner when we went out to eat. I knew that if i told them with people around (but only talking loud enough so others couldn't hear), that there wouldnt be a possibility that they would react in a bad way. Are you extremely close to your parents. When i was in highschool, i went through bouts of depression because i was falling for my best friend. I got so depressed with my feelings for him, and trying to "not be gay." it got very bad and i was put somewhere i never want to be (hospitalized for a week). I think that when i came out to my parents, they finally understood why i was depressed previously, and took it easier on me when coming out. Like they understood what i was going through, but it's something that they don't have any control over. I personally feel like my parents think that they are bad parents for "not raising me right." They believe that the internet and society is telling me/influencing me that i need to be gay, because "no one is born gay." Anyways, i wish you the best of luck. ultimately it is your call, and i hope everything goes well for you. Once out, the world feels much better, and it feels like you can breathe again
Hey Optimist17, I'm not sure that there is any more direct way to say it other than "I'm gay." From what you said, and as @TanMan indicated, I imagine that the real issue is going to be educating your parents about the realities of sexuality - and those realities are not in the Bible. That was why I was suggesting that you be prepared to help educate them, assuming that they are willing to listen and try to understand. However, you will most likely have to be patient because it could be a long process. Good luck!
Hi guys, Firstly, let me say what a relief it is to know there are others like me. It sounds cheesy, but of the few friends I've come out to, none of them were raised in as religious an environment as I've been, and none of them were LGBT. (I have one bisexual friend, but the rest of my friends are straight, alas.) I still don't really feel like I belong in either community. I'll never be a good Christian if I'm gay, but the fear of hell might keep me from ever being able to have a girlfriend. I'm honestly not sure. I'm planning on waiting until after Christmas, just to make things easier, but I'm definitely going to tell my parents. We're pretty close, but we don't ever talk about 'taboo' topics, so it's going to be a bit awkward. Lol. I want to tell a few more friends who I know will be supportive, so I'm not too discouraged when my parents aren't. Two different friends that I came out to who live on their own offered to let me stay with them for as long as needed, if I need it. If anything, it'll probably be an overnight stay to give my parents some time to get used to the idea, but it's nice to have that option. They'll probably make me talk to the pastor, like @TanMan's parents, but I'm more than willing to do that if it'll make my parents feel better. I've sat on this for years now (since I was 12), and I'm so excited to finally be out, despite everything. It feels like there's finally some semblance of light at the end of the tunnel now that I've started telling friends. I still have such a long way to go, and sometimes I feel like everything's crashing around me, but I honestly never thought I'd even get to this point.
You would be surprised to know how many people there are just like you and myself. I joined this forum about a year and a half ago, and it definitely helped me come to terms with being gay, because I finally realized that I wasn’t alone. I was around 11 or 12 when I first realized that I was gay, and I didn’t fully accept myself until i was 22. Telling my parents was probably that hardest decision I have ever made, but it was totally worth it. I’m not always on here, but if you want, please don’t hesitate to message me (messages are forwarded to my email). It’s always helpful, in my opinion, to have some to talk to that you don’t personally know.
Optimist17.....So many have replied to you that I hesitated until I saw this line that you wrote: "I'll never be a good Christian if I'm gay, but the fear of hell might keep me from ever being able to have a girlfriend. I'm honestly not sure." I really do understand how you feel. I am a Christian and I am gay. It was very difficult. I was convinced that I would go to hell for something that, no matter how hard I tried, would not go away. I prayed to have it taken from me with no change at all. Then I stumbled on two books that changed my life: 1. "Torn" by Justin Lee 2. "God and the Gay Christian" by Matthew Vines After reading these books and then doing a lot...and I mean a LOT of study on my own...I have come to realize something very important. The traditional understanding that the Bible condemns being gay (homosexual) is just not there. It has been misinterpreted for a very long time. Part of the problem is that so many folks have invested so much of their integrity in that position that they won't even consider an honest re-evaluation of the "clobber" passages. They can not admit that they may have been wrong and they fear the retaliation of all those that they have told that Gay=Hell. None....NONE of those passages speak to committed same-sex relationships as we know them today. Let me say that again....NONE. Just for a quick look... We all have heard the word Sodomy...it's even used as a legal term. Gays are always accused of this "terrible sin" that caused the destruction of the ancient city of Sodom. However, is that accurate? Check out Ezekiel 16:49-50. "(49) Behold this was the iniquity of thy sister Sodom, pride, fullness of bread and abundance was in her and her daughters, neither did she strengthen the hand of the poor and needy. (50) And they were haughty and committed abomination before me: therefore I took them away as I saw good." Just in case someone says; "Aha...there it is "she committed abomination" abomination as used here means idol worship, often temple prostitution. So...not destroyed because of gay sex! There is more to this explanation which I will provide if you wish. God made me the way that I am. I did not choose to be gay and spent a very long time trying to be straight. It did not work and nearly destroyed me. So I want to share a very important fact with you....YOU ARE NOT GOING TO HELL BECAUSE YOU ARE GAY!!! Ok...now the next part....coming out to conservative Christian parents. Hope you are holding on to your chair as I share this next thing with you.. I am the conservative Christian parent. Yes...and after many, many years of trying to be straight, in Dec.2014 I finally accepted who I really am and came out here on empty closets. It took a while for me to reconcile my faith with the undeniable fact that I am gay. With the help of those books and then my own study I can now say that I no longer have guilt and shame about the way that God made me. I now realize that I can not change it and no longer want to. Now that you know that....your parents. Several other posters here have warned you about being sure that you are safe. I agree with them. I would like to add that sometimes parents, who really do love their children, will think that being LGBT is something that can be "fixed". You can not be fixed because you are not broken! But sometimes the subject of "reparitive therapy" comes up. This is a "therapy" that can supposedly fix a gay person and make them straight. This has been completely rejected by ALL professional physiological associations in the United States, Europe and many, many countries around the world. It does not work and can cause great harm. If this is something that you think you parents might consider, then as others have said, it would probably be best not to come out to them until you are out of the house. You say your parents will not disown you...it's so good to hear that. To me that says that your parents have shown their love to you and that you do trust them. There is no question that this will be tough for them. I can understand that...although for me it was the reverse. My oldest son is a pastor, raised in my Christian family. Before I came out to him I shared that I had a personal issue that I was praying about and asked him to pray with me and to remember my request daily. I did not tell him what it was then. I was laying some groundwork so that when the time came he would know that I was serious and that I had spent time thinking it through and praying about it. You might consider taking this approach as a first step with your parents. That would help them understand that you are serious and that this is not "just a phase". Another suggestion...instead of just "dropping the bomb" all at once....consider as a second step sharing with them, some time after the first step, that you are concerned about you sexual orientation/attraction. Don't just say I am gay. Let them know that you are carefully working through this. Studying the Bible, reading other books, looking at online sources. Perhaps ask them to help look for information that might help you understand yourself better. This is a good time to mention PFLAG, Parents, Families and Friends of Gays and Lesbians. This group specializes in helping families to learn, to understand, to love and help their children work through issues of sexuality. If all this goes well, then you will probably know when you should come out to your parents, or it might even become unnecessary as they will come to understand on their own how you feel. Sure hope some of this has helped....so sorry for the "Novel" that I wrote. I wish you the very, very best of luck.....David
@quebec David...thank you so for your kind and thoughtful answer. Seeing the kindness and acceptance of those on this forum has really made my week. I plan on coming out as soon as Christmas is over, and I'm glad to have advice from others who have been through the same thing. I'm very glad to have advice from someone who is already a parent, although your situation and mine are a tad bit reversed. Lol. I may take your advice and tell my parents slowly at first, by bringing up some LGBT actors and starting a discussion about sexuality and gender, and then directly telling them. Thanks for your support, and for the book recommendations!
Personally I would advise you to only bring up sexuality to your parents. For example, just about being gay. I say this because you don’t want to make them have more trouble by including gender into your coming out. That may just confuse them even more. I understand it’s your decision overall, but from my personal experience which Christian AND conservative parents, including sexuality and gender will definitely confuse them. There are so many times that my parents ask me about what transgender is, and sometimes it makes me feel like they think that’s what being gay is.
You're very right, better just to bring up sexuality. Shouldn't confuse them more than I have to. Lol.
