My first post: A few months ago a lightbulb switched in my head and I recognised that feeling trapped was not because I'm married/ depressed/ overweight/ living in the wrong house/ not cut out for motherhood/ etc etc etc. But because I'm gay. I can't believe I didn't realise it before. I feel like such an idiot. I'm ten years married, we have three lovely children, and my husband is utterly perfect. I adore him. But I have to face up to this. I'm seeing a fab therapist who's really helping me clarify things, and some day soon the time will come when I have to tell my darling man that I am only attracted to women. I am so scared. And so sad. I don't want to hurt him but I know I will, and he deserves to know the truth about me. There isn't anyone else, and at the moment I don't necessarily want there to be. I don't know if I can stay married, or if he will want to. Bust most of all, I'm not sure I can find the words. I can barely say the L-word out loud in reference to myself. How do I even put a sentence together? Thank you all, your forum is really fab, and has been such a help already.
Man! So many of us drank the darn Koolaide!!! You are not alone. I too coped with food putting on 4lbs per year married. I topped out at 335lbs!!! I have significantly reversed the trend and I expect in 6-8 months to be back to my perfect pre-marriage weight. Hunger is my friend now instead of my enemy. I am a bit older than you but man what an oppressive society we grew up in to force this on so many!!! You are not alone. Stuck
Thank you! x It is oppressive. But I think/hope it's changing for the better. I am so envious of younger people (I am mid 30s) because where I am (UK) younger people seem to be so much more accepting of diversity, sexual identity. When I was a teenager 'lesbian' was a dirty word, and it's so hard to fight against that sort of conditioning.
Hi, In reading the posts of teens here you could never prove things are improving. However this is a support group and out of the gate success stories never join here or post (generally). For many it is just as hard today. Stuck ---------- Post added 22nd Jan 2013 at 10:01 AM ---------- Hi, So many with UK roots gay and married. There must be something about UK DNA. Mine traces back to Ireland, Britain and Scotland. It must be that UK weather preserving something in the UK DNA waiting for some stimulus to be re-expressed in the womb. Stuck ---------- Post added 22nd Jan 2013 at 10:16 AM ---------- You realize we can be of some use to these younger gays... We know the dynamics of marriage and parenthood. Data they have no access to otherwise. We can help a lot I think. Sort of like this... "Have you considered your mom is bugging your dad about issues that concern her about you being gay but fears talking to you about, bugging your dad in the hopes your dad will talk to you about them and this constant naggiing and fretting by your mom is frustrating your dad, and he just wants her off his back? There are hidden dynamics in a marriage that have nothing to do with you but may seem your dad is frustrated with you when he is not." Only married people with children know of these unspoken marriage dynamics. They are what thy are but these young folks have no idea. Stuck
Familiar place for many of us. Not that that makes it any easier, know that your're not alone. There's a great youtube channel outlatebutgreat (haha!) -- some good folks posting inspiring, helpful, honest info. This video from Tracy was helpful to me: [YOUTUBE]vjx7QdReOU0[/YOUTUBE] All the best -- Pete
You should try and forget about the L word, or any label to put on yourself for a moment. Don't think about a sentence with L in it either. What you are going to do at some point hopefully is tell your husband that you are attracted to women, that's all it needs to be. You love him and always have but are attracted to women and it is sexually, and millions of married and single women are. You are one of millions, and that there is likely to be a huge wave of men and women who come to reach this conclusion very soon in the coming months and years. One important thing when you do tell him is that there is not another person on the side, and that he has been your only one. But you have been depressed, and worried, and you feel he would want to know this - even if it is not a good thing for him in particular, and that you do not want to hurt him at all. It really is that simple! Painful and frightening as hell, but it is simple. It is the other things that are complicated about it. In-laws, kids, and maybe divorce that can makes things complicated. But yes, just coming here, stating your situation and reading can make you at least know you are not alone at all. There are millions suffering in silence who never admit it to anyone (not even an internet forum where nobody knows you). You have done the right thing to seek advice or different opinions here - rather than just try and kill it with booze and food. Take your time and know that it is your life, and you need not hurry with divulging this info to your husband or any friends.
Hi there, and welcome to EC! You've come to the right place. I was married for 9 years and we had 2 beautiful children when I came out and we separated. Having a therapist is critical - so if you like yours that's huge. Talking about it with then and talking about it with us will help you come to temrs with this yourself. And the better you can feel about your situation yourself, the easier it will be to talk to others about it. That video really was great. (Thanks PeteNJ!!) I enjoyed listening to it - and could relate to so much of it now that I'm 6 years into my 'new' life. It really is wonderful to be able to live your life honestly and authentically. Take it from me. I've also never been happier in my life than I am now. Carry on posting here in the forum. Feel free to reach out to me or any other staff members via a PM as well. Take care.
WELL, I did it. It was pretty hellish. I cried all night, he was very quiet. He has taken it as well as I could have expected; but is clearly shocked and confused. I initially just felt terrified. Now I'm not so sure. I think I feel better for having said it, but my heart is breaking for him. I know that I still love him, and he me. But I don't know how we can stay married because intimacy is important to him (rightly) and this is not what he signed up for. I fear this is just the start of a very long journey.
Big hugs. Big kudos for the strength it took from you and for telling him as lovingly as you did. Its going to be a roller coaster now -- numbness, anger, and sadness, for both of you. He needs to get support in place for him (therapist, doc, maybe meds, support groups, etc.) And you do to, much the same. And please, keep a close eye on your wonderful 3 children. They will sense the turmoil. At some point or another soon you'll need to come up with what you will say. I do suggest working with your counselor on this. (and surely at this point, nothing to do with your sexuality). Peace -- Pete
I'm also in UK. This lightbulb came on for me just a few months before I was due to marry my also perfect boyfriend. I have just had to give him the bad news that I want to cancel the wedding. We've beem together 8 years. I have always felt like something was missing in the relationship and I don't know why it has taken so long to figure out what was wrong. I still don't know for sure... We are still together atm but I don't know what the future holds for us. You're not alone. It is more complicated of course with kids involved but it is better you sort this out now than in 20 years time, right?
Thanks Pete, I want him to get support in place, but he's a typical British man: stiff upper lip, keeps his emotions all buttoned up. I have suggested he confides in friends, considers a counsellor, couples therapy, some time away from me etc. But he's still in shock and not ready to do anything else yet until he processes things. Our children are a happy bunch and I intend to keep it that way. I will definitely keep a close eye on them. ---------- Post added 24th Jan 2013 at 08:36 PM ---------- I feel just the same. Like a bit of an idiot really. Although my lesbian friends tell me that it's pretty normal to realise your sexuality in your 20s/ 30s/ beyond. Definitely better to sort it out now. Of course I wouldn't ever be without my children, but I do so wish I'd figured this out sooner; I hate hurting him so much. Take care x
