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How much weight do/did you give to past 'evidence'?

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by LostInDaydreams, Jul 19, 2016.

  1. LostInDaydreams

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    For me, I can look back and see that I've been worried about what others think and that I've been worried about what I should be, but in ways that don't always relate to sexuality. I suppose I don't see my earlier life as a period of denial, because I wasn't consciously denying anything. That bothers me a bit. Why haven't I questioned earlier?

    My questioning started about the same time that my current relationship went through a rough patch. I can see now, that I didn't really get my relationship the best chance anyway. I didn't invest, haven't made myself vulnerable, etc. So, I never was going to feel connection and fulfillment. So, perhaps not feeling these things in my current relationship says more about me as a person, than it does about my sexuality?

    I'm worried that I've been using questioning as a cover, to avoid facing other issues relating to myself and my relationship.

    Any thoughts appreciated.
     
  2. RosePetals76

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    I don't feel like I questioned much when I was younger. I just did what I was supposed to. But now that I know I'm les, I look back and think "well, that should've told me" or "oh, now that makes sense" and so on. There were signs, feelings ignored, but not conciously. Apparently I dressed and behaved and frequented more stereotypical lesbian when I was younger, yet I never questioned. I never understood why women got so hung up on men, but I never questioned. I just didn't feel anything.
     
  3. LostInDaydreams

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    Thanks, RosePetals. I can relate to what you've put in your post. That's helpful. :slight_smile:

    I just don't know whether I haven't felt fulfilled in my current relationship because I haven't invested in it, made myself vulnerable, or because I just can't feel fulfilled with a man.
     
  4. CameOutSwinging

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    So I'll take a page from my own experience, since I tend to feel like I can really relate to your story Notmyname.

    The first woman I dated, I felt pretty fulfilled in our relationship. I loved her, I enjoyed sex with her, we had sex daily more or less (often more), she enabled a lot of my more codependent nature so that wasn't a positive but I enjoyed it certainly, and we were in an open relationship so she allowed me to sleep with guys on the side. I basically had exactly what I wanted. She knew everything about me, went through a lot of things with me, and in general it was very rewarding.

    My current relationship (or what's left of it) is very different. I've felt since the beginning like I can't be entirely honest with her, which makes it hard to really be vulnerable as you said and let the other person in. I was always so afraid of her rejecting me that I just kept a lot about myself that I thought she would dislike out of focus.

    I never questioned being with her when I was cheating on her with guys who were clearly just no strings attached type hookups. It was when I met a guy who I became friends with in addition to having sex with, a guy who I felt comfortable opening up to about everything and just being myself with and eventually had feelings for, that's when I started to wonder if I was doing the right thing.

    At the end of the day, I think I can be perfectly happy being in a relationship with a woman again, but only one where I could be open and honest about myself and be allowed to sleep with guys still. I also think it's possible I might generally just be happier being in a relationship with a guy, which is why that is more of what I am exploring now. I generally don't think I'll miss sex with women, so there's no part of me that is thinking about how I'd need a guy who is okay with me sleeping with girls on the side. There is a part of me that wonders if I want monogamy at all or if I'm more into the idea of an open relationship. But that's something to figure out as time goes on.

    I think ultimately though, the success of a relationship comes from honesty and being able to be vulnerable. You have to ask why you can't be honest and vulnerable with your husband/partner and then figure out what to do about it. Who knows, maybe you would be totally satisfied with your relationship if you were honest and open and accepted by your husband, and possibly sleeping with women too (if you're somebody who believes in monogamy and you're more drawn to women, then I think you really face more of an issue).

    For those of us who are more Kinsey 5 or 4 than anything else, I think the truth is we can be happy in opposite sex relationships as long as it doesn't require us hiding away the dominate part of ourselves. It isn't the gender of our partner that makes them wrong for us, it is that they simply need/want from a relationship something totally different from what we need/want.
     
  5. LostInDaydreams

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    COS, thank you! This makes so much sense. It just fits! :slight_smile:

    I feel that I have to hide my interest in LGBT issues/things from my partner, and it was this that made me think something wasn't right about our relationship, which eventually led me to questioning. I just can't discuss it with him because I know he won't get it. He's not outright homophobic, but he's not exactly a supporter either.

    I've never been able to relate to posters who are happy to stay with their opposite-sex partners and potentially never experience being with the same-sex, because I feel I have to. Similarly, I can't relate to posters who's attractions to men and women are fluid. I feel that mine are fairly fixed, even though I might have been oblivious at one point.

    I do feel that if I were with a woman, I wouldn't feel any need to be with man. I am drawn to monogamy. I wouldn't consider an open relationship with my partner, which is partly because I don't think that relationship would remain my primary relationship.

    I may be back to doubts tomorrow, but this makes so much sense. Thank you!
     
  6. caliwoman

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    Isn't it so damn confusing? LOL.

    I certainly love my husband, but in a way that I do not want to hurt him...yet he's my best friend. I tell him everything, however, we do have loads of issues. We've been okay the past few weeks, but a part of me is usually waiting for the other shoe to drop and for issues to arise.

    I know that the men in my life always get thrown to the wayside in favor of female friendships.

    I know that my marriage was at its worst when I met and fell for her.
    I've also been told that I have used her as a distraction to get away from the problems that were much more apparent then, in my marriage.

    I never questioned before. I just assumed I was very emotional with women. I still struggle with whether I not I just want the physical and emotional bond with a woman, which I've never really had, or an full-on relationship. It's all so damn intertwined.
     
  7. CameOutSwinging

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    My partner is actually very open about the gay community and has a number of gay friends. Sadly I think the experience with me has done more to soil her view on the gay community than anything else (and she has flatly become cruel in her opinion on bisexuals). But she doesn't get it herself. Like trying to explain to her what goes on in my head and the questioning I've dealt with tends to be an exercise in futility.

    My thing is I've always felt like there was a lot of stuff I couldn't tell her out of fear of being judged. It is weird and I think a lot of it was totally on me, on being afraid of being rejected by her, so deciding hey I can keep this stuff to myself. Some of it was major (like my sexuality...she knew I was at least bi from the beginning, though honestly I hadn't planned on telling her maybe ever, and I basically went back into the closet that I had long been out of just so we could never discuss it again) and some of it was stupid to not admit (like how I'm to this day about 12 credits short of graduating college...does it matter? Nope. I walked at graduation, I've had a full-time job that pays well since school ended. And yet I thought she'd judge and reject me if she knew that fact). Since day one I've lacked in being able to be open and vulnerable with her. And that's bad.

    My roommate/FWB made a good point to me the other day. Knowing that our arrangement isn't going to end anytime soon (or that neither me nor he and his bf want it to), he simply said to me - wouldn't you rather be with somebody you can be honest with about this, versus being with somebody you have to lie to about it? And he's right. And that's not to say that finding somebody open to my arrangement/an open relationship will be the easiest thing, but one thing we know right now is my partner would never be open to it. She's made that clear.

    ---------- Post added 21st Jul 2016 at 07:17 AM ----------

    I'm the same. I mean, take out the never experiencing being with a guy factor, because I've had more sex with guys than I have had with women (at least, in terms of different guys...I was in a long term relationship with a woman where we at times had sex 3 times a day, so sheer numbers could be on the female side) but do I think I could reasonably never have sex with a guy again? No. Not really.

    I'm also more fixed in my attraction. I can become emotionally attached to a woman and enjoy sex with women. I get turned on in the moment and enjoy everything about it. But I won't go as far as to say I desire it. But guys turn me on in general. Seeing a guy on the street or the train raises my interest instantly. It's very different.

    It does sound like since you're monogamous in nature, you may just do better being with a woman. I know that realization is a tough one. I'm here if you ever want to talk! Sorry it took a few days to see your wall post and friend request, but please feel free to chat me up! :slight_smile:
     
  8. Nickw

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    Notmyname

    Everyone is a little different it seems.

    I have been in a monogamous marriage for over thirty years and while being attracted to men, I didn't ever feel compelled to act on it, or even really desire it, for 28 of those years. My relationship, outside of sex, was just so satisfying.

    Thing is that now that I am out to my wife, my same sex desires, along with my opposite sex desires are at the highest levels since I was a horny teenager. I think that the ability to be vulnerable, which I was hiding, is really important. Perhaps just accepting the possibility that you are gay or bi has allowed the attractions to come through. You may not have changed, you may just simply be more open.
     
  9. CapColors

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    I didn't question. I just thought I was super tight with women and female friendships. I liked it that way, frankly--I didn't have any interest in being a lesbian and always knew that I wasn't one.

    That was why finding out I was in fact pretty freaking bi was so disorienting. I felt like I'd lost that safe female space and gained nothing in return.

    That's unfortunately just true, whether I choose to see it as horrible or just a fact of life is what I'm struggling with right now.
     
  10. LostInDaydreams

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    Thank you, COS! That's kind and I really appreciate it. :slight_smile:

    Thanks, Nickw. That's true. So, perhaps I shouldn't rush into any decisions and just let things settle down a bit.

    Sorry you're having a difficult time. (*hug*)