How long have you known?

There were hints, but my attraction to females was so strong that I never really considered myself as something other than straight until about a year ago, while in my relationship with my LTR girlfriend. Now, I'm accepting my male attractions too, and I'm feeling better. Also, very possible I'm feeling better about my ongoing relationship too, but I'm still exploring. Anyway, I'm in a much better place now, one way or another. Still have work to do, but not bad right now!

 

No idea how long I've known. I had clues at least as early as junior high. I considered the possibility I might be gay in my 20s. And I think I've been realistic enough to know that I could at least have sex with another guy for the last 10+ years. At times, I bought heavily into the argument that many people are somewhere in the middle of Kinsey's scale.

I think the point of thinking, "yes, it appears I'm gay" occurred March of this year, thanks to this site. It encouraged me to think, and realize that--at least as of now--I don't have any physical attraction to women.

 

I guess i knew i was gay from a very young age. I remember having feelings toward the same sex from as young as 8 or 9, i just tried to repress them and be 'normal'. It wasn't until i was 15 that i told myself what i was feeling was okay, and came out to myself.

 

The more I think back on this one the more I realize I've Always been sooo Gay! sigh. Just wasn't ready to be me yet. I have my awesome son,a blessing. This is the right time for me to be out.

 

I think we have always been Gay, we have just denied being Gay to conform to society & what it expects of us, but like a volcano after years of holding it in, we eventually erupt

 

^^^^ I think its this or die or have major depression, seriously.

 

It's funny because I have that same experience, my two best friends from elementary school both turned out to be gay. One moved away in 4th grade and I found out about 10 years later. The other one I lost contact with when I transferred to another school, and only found out recently that he was gay (he passed away last year). Interesting how drawn we were to each other, as you say Pete. And I didn't really have any other close friends besides them in elementary school.

 

Since age 21.

As for any time before then...I don't recall that the concept of homosexuality was ever mentioned or discussed growing up. Nor do I really recall much of anything about sex in general being discussed. Yet when I went through sex ed in junior high I learned virtually nothing new. Still not sure how my mom managed that one

If I look back on it now, there were feelings that might have been crushes or somesuch, but such things didn't exist in my conceptual universe and I just put them down to really liking some people (always guys as it happens).

When puberty hit, I treated sexual desire as simply a matter of biology, not really any different from the need to eat or go to the bathroom on a regular basis. Somewhere along the line, I apparently learned about the concept of homosexuality, but it really had no more meaning to me or connection to my life than heterosexuality did. The idea of romantic feelings (for anyone) either had no connection to me or was simply worthy of nothing but amused contempt, a holdover from animal biology.

At 19 a guy hit on me in a locker room and I took him up on it. At age 21, I initiated something with a guy a couple of times. At that point an analysis of available data led to the conclusion that I was gay. So then I knew.

Todd

 

That "rational" manner of picking a crush is all too familiar...
What do you mean "good enough" though? *hugs*

 

Like Todd, my knowledge of sex as an early teenager was pretty seriously limited, too. It was presented as a strict man/woman thing, and a strict they get married and have children thing. I actually believed for a long time that people only had sex when they wanted a baby. A married couple would decide it was time to have a child, and so that night they'd have sex for the first and possibly last time, and nine months later, a baby would be born. Boy was I stupid! Making me even more stupid: I was actively masturbating all through that era. I was so stupid I could not connect the fun I had at bed time with sex.

Sex ed in school was pretty seriously limited. Factual, but it was mostly about "this is how babies are made."

So I'd be interested in other guys in 7th grade, but did not connect it to anything. Certainly there was no connection to the impulse to have a LTR of any sort.

In high school, I got more usable information. But I assumed I was straight, just because that was the only option really presented. Crushes on guys were written off as envying their better bodies. Or whatever.

 

I agree with this statement, but it doesn't answer the OP's question...how long have you *known* you are gay?

I've known I was bisexual since I was about 16 years old. A few months after I came to this realization, a woman I was waitressing with asked me out...gods, I must have been readable. Anyway, it took me another year or two to do any serious experimentation with a woman. Then "awareness" went away for several years, while my partner and I solidified...in other words, I think by default I considered myself more lesbian than bi, although that identification never really went away. But at about 38, the "bisexual" designation started to reassert itself in a much more imperative and permanent way.

 

I was twelve and living in Mexico (where I stayed for about a year and a half) and I was friends with two brothers of the same age as myself whose family lived down the street.

By invitation, I went with them one weekend to their family's small village about an hour away and, upon arriving, I was then invited to join them in the local steam/bath house. Being rather naïve, I decided to accept the invitation.

We had access to a two-chamber room which was all to ourselves. The front chamber was for changing and the back (visible from the front chamber via a large window) was where the steam and showers were.

I won't go into any graphic details but these two brothers engaged in a little game called "la llave", the key. I will let you imagine the details, but it all happened without any...erm...insertion of said "key" into anyone's keyhole.

I was surprised at my reaction though, which is the crux of the matter, because although I feigned a certain resistance, my resistance was in fact rather tepid and we were, all three of us, "visibly excited", so to speak.

All through the 70's that one event played through my mind every time I needed a reasonably reliable fantasy/memory while masturbating...

 

Looking back I think there were signs that I was gay throughout my whole life. It was about 12 when I realized I was different than the other boys, but didn't understand it. It was more like late teens or early 20s before I really understood it.

 

I think I was 4 when I had a mad crush on Little Joe in Bonanza (for you older folks). I also had this crazy ability to have two parallel selves, live and act straight but constantly fantasize about sex with men. Wen I was in high school, I knew I was interested in the other guys but never put two and two together; it's like I just didnt think.

 

That I like men? Since I was 8, it was the first time i fooled around with someone (you know, touching things, nothing more than that). I think I've always known that it wasn't common, but I never gave a fuck about what other people thought of me.
That I like women? I knew since I was six. But I really confirmed it at age 12 or so.

 

I was always told when I was a kid that being homosexual, especially lesbian was disgusting and somewhere along the line that must have gone in a lot further than I'd imagined. Then when I was at school I was dealing with the usual growing up stuff, plus having a severe visual impairment, so I used to get bullied a lot. I was hurt, confused and angry and I just shut my emotions down and built a massive wall around myself to protect me and keep people out. People used to say I was thick skinned, nothing could affect me and I just didn't care about other people. This wasn't true, things did go in and they hurt, I just never ever showed my emotions in front of people because I felt it gave them something else to pick at, it was a show of weakness I suppose.

Then when I left school and went to college I got quite heavily into drugs. Just dope at first but I was always smoking. I'd wake up in the morning and skin up. Then I started doing other things as well. My head was completely mashed most of the time.

All the way through school and college I never had a boy friend, not even so much as a crush. I had infatuations with a couple of men but they were all older. I think I admired and kind of hero worshipped them. Never any boys at my school or college though and they were never interested in me.

When it came time for me to leave college I met my husband. He was having a bad time and used to tell me how unhappy he was. I fell madly for him. Again he is a lot older and I think in some ways I wanted to save him. There was never a physical attraction on my side though and when the sex started it never felt right.I was so excited the first time, I was desperate to try this sex thing that everyone raved on about so much. I didn't really feel anything though. I put it down to it being the first time but it never improved. As long as that emotional attachment existed between the two of us then it was nice to be close, but as for any pleasure, than never really happened.Then when the emotional bond started to whither the sex became less and less interesting and more and more uncomfortable. Sometimes I would have the need and I'd try my hardest to concentrate and I might get a little bit of enjoyment out of it, but afterwards I just wanted it over and to get away. My husband would like to cuddle me and talk about it but I just felt uncomfortable and a bit sick.

A couple of years ago I decided I wanted to go to university to study English. I was accepted on to a degree course. This was the first time in ten years that I had been somewhere by myself, had my own identity and had the chance to make friends.There was a bisexual girl in my class who I used to sit by most of the time. Sometimes I used to get a flutter when I saw her. It was aonly a tiny thing because I wouldn't allow it to be anything more. Then when I found out she was bi I ran a mile. I felt sick and stayed away. Then I started my second year and was with a different group of people. I made friends more easily and I made one firend in particular.I've never had a crush on this friend but she is the first female friend I've had since school, through her I learned what it is like to emotionally engage with a woman. Then I made more femal friends.

About this time I started to get fantasies about women. At first I pushed them a way but they were getting so insistant that I allowed my mind to let them in and think about them. I went like this for a while, I'd think all the time about women but I would never a tribute these fantasies to myself. I never allowed myself to own the thoughts. Then one day I had a major crisis. I thought to myself, 'why are you thinking all these thoughts?' There was only really one answer. I then admitted to myself that I was questioning my sexuality.

While all this was going on, I was going through the worst spell of depression of my life. I wasn't sleeping, I wasn't eating, I was shaking all the time and I would shut myself away from people and not want to talk. This only happened at home though, at college I was fine. It was my space to be who I wanted and most importantly, to be myself.

It took me a while before I could verbalise my issues surrounding my sexuality. That was where coming on EC helped immesurably. When I could finally say it, just questioning at first, I started to accept myself in my own mind. I did a lot of thinking, a lot of self reflection and a lot of adding up the evidence in my life and my conclusion was clear. I am a lesbian.

I came out to my family and my husband two months ago and now all of my friends know as well. I am getting divorced and am in the process of finding myself a place to live.

Since I have realised my sexuality and openly admitted it, I have felt so much calmer in myself. All the residual anger I used to carry around with me all the time has gone and I feel like a massive, massive weight has been lifted off my shoulders. I still have a lot of things I have to deal with in order to get myself into a comfortable space, but as long as these problems have practical solutions then I can deal with them.

For most of my life I had this ball of worry inside my head and I couldn't get to the middle of it, it was impenetrable. Now I feel like I have managed to get to the core of the ball and I have started to unravel it.

This is the first time in my life that I have felt comfortable in my own skin. All my insecurities about not being feminine enough have gone, I no longer feel like there's something wrong with me because I'm not into men and I don't know, I just feel freer to be myself. I have a lot of things to work through with my divorce etc but as long as there is a practical solution, I can get my head down and just push on through. I feel my own mind is clearer and I can deal with all these things, now I know who I am.

 

This is me spot on.

 

Allnewtome nailed it for me too. Denial isn't just a river in Africa. I had my aha moment where suddenly the denial just lifted and there I was. Gay. It's been all at once the most liberating feeling and the most terrifying journey. All I can do is push ahead.

 

I always kind of knew but I had my first crush when I was about 8, but at the time I didn't know what gay was really, I just knew I prefered boys and didn't see any harm in it. It was only a year later, when I heard the word gay on The Simpsons that I asked my parents what it meant and it was explained to me, I was also told in no uncertain terms that it was wrong so I instantly locked myself into the closet.

 

Its hard to answer that because I've gone through 3 different identities: questioning, bisexual then gay.

I identified as questioning 2 years ago
I identified as bisexual 1 year ago
Then questioning again
And about 1 week and 1 day ago, I now identify as gay