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how do you REALLY know

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by LBSmitty, May 6, 2014.

  1. LBSmitty

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    I have an extreme sexual attraction to women. Though I have never been with one. Also growing up and through high school I was boy crazy. I think because it was just what the NORM was. I had serious boyfriends throughout college and met my current husband my senior year. I did have many crushes on girls. I was also very much around lesbians being that i went to an all womens college, and I was a theatre major so i was very close to quite a few of them. I just never GOT it. I never let it even enter my mind that it would be something i would want. Skip forward to age 23 and it was all i thought about. How can you never think about being a lesbian for 24 years and then suddenly start to develop those feelings? is that normal??? I am 32 now (well in 2 weeks). The feelings have gotten stronger rather than less. But if i have never actually been with a woman romantically or sexually how do I even know it something to explore? Wouldn't leaving my spouse over something I THOUGHT might be what i wanted be stupid?

    ---------- Post added 6th May 2014 at 05:04 PM ----------

    i just re-read this and i don't even think it makes sense to ME let alone any of you. So just bare with me here. :slight_smile:
     
  2. CyclingFan

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    Lol, I was nodding along to a lot of what you were saying right up to this last part. :wink:

    I haven't been here too long, but I think you'll find people who are going through very similar questions.

    Welcome aboard!
     
  3. Melanie

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    lol! I wish I could dig up my first post (posted using a since deleted account). I felt exactly the same way when I reread mine.. I was, like, "woah... what??"
     
  4. Black Raven

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    It's not that unusual to find out that "late" (You're not old by any means!) in life.
    While I personally became very certain (proof soon followed) about my sexuality rather early, I've heard of quite a few persons that are/were in the situation you are in right now.

    If not ever experiencing what you think about so often (for all your life) will make you unhappy (for as long as you don't try it), that path is not a solution, as it won't make you happy.

    I strongly suggest that you simply talk about the topic with your husband.
    Be honest. He deserves it - and you deserve his support and understanding, so I hope he'll provide that. But you -need- to find a solution to your cravings, and being honest with your husband about it might show you a way that'll let you explore and experience that side of you without destroying your relationship.

    Maybe it's something you just need to experience once to put the matter to rest and live on happily ever after with your husband, and yourself.

    But one things is absolutely certain:

    It's not stupid.
     
    #4 Black Raven, May 6, 2014
    Last edited: May 6, 2014
  5. JSway

    JSway Guest

    amen! me too.


    I feel the same way (except for boys, instead of girls)
    I'm 34 and have never been with a man in that way. I was all about the ladies in high school and college although I do now admit to myself that I did have a few crushes on some close and attractive male friends.

    Now I am on my 2nd marriage (with a beautiful wonderful woman) and just don't know if it real and if it is should/could I do something about it???

    I have proposed to my wife that we could try a three way with a guy if she'd like but she's not interested.

    lastly you might notice but I'm also exploring my gender (kinda related, kinda not). When I was young I thought that for sure by my thirties I would know who I was, yet here I am and everything is up in the air.
     
  6. LBSmitty

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    well thank goodness you were all able to figure out what I was trying to say! Yes, it is a confusing time. But that is what this forum is for.

    I don't know if i need to just do it once and get it out of my system or not. sigh......
     
  7. valerie247

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    This is something that I've wondered and struggled with myself. It's a hard thing to wrestle with.

    I don't know what your orientation is; only you can discover that answer. But I will say this: no one ever expects a straight person to hold off on calling themselves straight until they've had sex with someone. We, as a society, seem to wholeheartedly accept that a 13 year old virgin can be straight, but not that a 30 year old "gay-virgin" can be gay. It is so illogical to me.

    I think you are more than capable of knowing your orientation long before you decide to leave your spouse (IF that is ever decided). You may not like it, and you may fight it, but it is what it is and it doesn't go away. I hope you can find peace with whatever you discover about yourself. (((hugs)))
     
  8. StellarJ1

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    Are they feelings or thoughts? I never had the thought that I was gay until 36. I had girlfriends, steamy sex, and I was even married for many years.

    I feel like once you make a connection with the feeling that you're gay, it is a revelation and invitation.. If you numb that feeling, by feeding it the normal straight programming, it might get buried.

    If my partner had those feelings and felt trapped, I would hope they would be honest with me. It's hard enough trying to work through repression when you are not in a relationship.
     
  9. wanderinggirl

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    Are you still attracted to your husband? Did attraction/infatuation with women replace or supplement your attraction to him?
     
  10. LBSmitty

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    Physically i am not that attracted to him. I fell in love with HIM and he was sexy to me because of all his wonderful qualities. We have had amazing sex, especially in the beginning.
     
  11. CyclingFan

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    Hey, quit posting what I feel about my wife before I can! :wink:
     
  12. wanderinggirl

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    Personality is a huge factor in a relationship, no doubt. It's not just about physical attraction. Nevertheless if something big is missing, you gotta ask if you're happy with the marriage, or if you'd like to explore the possibility of an open marriage with other women, an open marriage with women and men, or separation, depending on the extent and specific nature of your dissatisfaction.

    Good luck!
     
  13. Maddie89

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    This is exactly what I am going through!

    My friends have suggested I experiment with women while I am still married, so I dont throw away my marriage on something im not sure about.

    But I love him so much and feel so bad about it. Even though he claims its ok.

    I feel filthy and unworthy of him. Dealing with a lot of internalized homophobia.

    I am scared if I try things with a woman, that I would like it...im sure i would like it. And that scares me because that means I cant be with him, unless I want to always crave the other side forever.

    I still dont know what to do.

    ---------- Post added 22nd Jun 2014 at 12:36 PM ----------

    It doesnt help that i have lost most of my attraction towards him and keep putting off sex. Then he puts off sex so he doesnt hurt me. I haven't been able to have sex without crying or feeling bad afterward. Yes, it may be related to my child abuse, but it doesn't explain why all i think, hear, smell, see, dream of is women.
     
  14. HTBO

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    I did just that. Never been with a woman, and I am positive. I left my husband, told my parents, I don't doubt it at all. The more I began to reflect and look at women, the more sure I was. I used to compare men and women just to see what my reaction would be. Men, there was nothing, women, love everything about them. You ask how do you know if you've never been with one, and I struggled with that initially. But let me ask you this; how do straight people know they are attracted to the opposite sex without any experience? They just know, it's what they like. We have that same instinct, yet we repressed it because it wasn't normal and did the 'normal' thing by having boyfriends and getting married. I looked back, and the men I dated and married, were all a little more on the feminine side (I would never tell them that, lol), but the masculine type never appealed to me. Once I realized I liked women and truly accepted that, men in general, whether masculine or feminine have absolutely no appeal. Deep down, you know who you like, the difficult part is listening to that instinct.
     
  15. Lindsay11

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    Sometimes it is difficult to realize who you really are. There are so many people, practices and social norms that seek to limit who you can acceptably be. I realized who I was many years ago but fought it because I was married with children and couldn't take the risk of losing them. My story is quite common, but it is good to see that you have recognized your true self at a young age. Don't hold back. Be who you want to be.
     
  16. Damien

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    Hey maddie,

    first up, no need to feel 'filthy' at all. We can't help feeling what we naturally feel. Please consider letting go of that harsh judgement of yourself.

    Sounds like a very caring and understanding husband you have there. And that must make this even more difficult, because as you said, you don't want to hurt him.

    But you could try just believing him, when he says he is ok with it. I don't think it is right to repress this side of your nature for the rest of your life, never knowing what it might have been like. And if your husband is understanding and ok with you experimenting a little, then why not...I sense that you would do so in a way that was sensitive to his feelings, in a way that would not hurt him, in any case.

    Regarding past sexual abuse issues, well I'm a survivor of this myself, I know how much it can hurt and if you wanted to, you would be free to message me, I would be happy to listen, to be a respectful and sympathetic ear. I've been there. I'm still recovering in my 40s. I'm even shedding a few tears as I write this now.

    may you be well (*hug*)
    Damien (formerly known as 'beefree').
     
    #16 Damien, Jun 22, 2014
    Last edited by a moderator: Jun 23, 2014
  17. paris

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    This^
     
  18. Maddie89

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    Thank you so much for your support and kind words. I really appreciate it. I will try not to judge myself so harshly..

    I do want to experiment! But I feel like my marriage and love for him is in the way. It's weighing me down emotionally and making me feel super guilty. At the same time, I can't just leave him to do all this. What happens if it was just a very long phase? I'd regret leaving him. I think. Ah I dunno. I feel so numb right now...

    Feel free to message me as well :slight_smile:. I will take you up on that. Thanks