How do you know for sure if you're trans?

I'm in the same boat with the anxiety.

I however can't tell you if you're trans. Everyone experiences it differently. I can tell you that whether you are right or wrong, the experience that you are having is still valid. You aren't faking or lying if you do come out and the find out you were wrong. <3

 

As a transguy with anxiety and depression, I can relate. The deciding factor, I think, as to when I knew that I knew I was trans, was this... If I could change overnight and live the rest of my life as male, would I be happier? Yes. So what was holding me back? I feared losing my family, the cost and pain of transition... and so on. And those fears have taken me years to work through. I am still dealing with them. Acceptance is a process, and you are doing the right thing by seeking out therapist and support (such as here at EC) to come to terms with what you are feeling.

Forgive yourself, and love yourself as whomever you may be, trans or not. Who you are is not wrong and you can have an absolutely beautiful life. Just give it time.

 

I changed presentation and asked for different pronouns by chat when I was still thinking it was a phase. I went back to feminine pronouns for a pair of months, then asked for the others again. I talked about gender and then about experimenting with looking femme again to see how it feels. I expected criticism from my friends, but they surprisingly commented nothing. With parents, it's different, but (close) friends are more likely not to criticize or make pressure.
If you don't try to be seen socially as another gender, even if just for one day, how can you know?

 

Do you have friends who would be safe to present as male around? What if you had an evening where you presented as male around them and asked them to treat you as a man? For me I realized several months ago that a day was coming where I would have to present as female, or at least strongly femme, in public. I decided I’d do it at this concert I was in as we were singing music by Queen and it wouldn’t look entirely off in the context. I had a great time and even though I didn’t feel entirely female that night it did convince me that it had been the right decision and that similar presentation will be necessary from time to time. I think with stuff like this, sometimes the only way forward is to try it and see.

 

Thinking about having to live the rest of my life as a woman, I'd rather be dead. Essentially that's how I knew I was trans. It took me years of questioning to come to that conclusion, rule out other factors and get my head around it but yeah I knew I had to transition.

 

(In my experience) from a young age society teaches us to doubt ourselves. This is completely okay, most trans people that I've heard from experience at least some form of self-doubt occasionally, especially before they're out and even after. A lot of people say that if you think your gender differs than the one you were assigned at birth, and you spend a lot of time thinking about it, then it probably does.

Theres no one way to know that you are trans for sure. However try experimenting with clothes, that was one of the earliest signs for me. I spent a lot of time a few years ago doing my best to look and dress like a guy without even knowing that I was actually trans (that sounds pretty silly looking back).

I have a lot of anxiety too. You don't have to come out until you're ready. Even though sometimes it seems as if you will be in the closet for eternity (my experience). On the other hand, you don't need to prove anything to anyone of your 'trans status' if that makes sense. Whatever you figure out, in the end your identity is your identity and nothing anyone says can change that.

Also if you are in school you can try finding a lgbt organization or talking to school counselor. Hope this helps.

 

I used to have depression and be suicidal too but it's not the same thing. Wanting to die doesn't necessarily indicate that you're trans at all. Think about the reasons youre feeling that way. After I left school at 16 my situation changed and I was no longer depressed but I still had this intense hatred for myself and my body that I couldn't understand at all. It was only when I began to socially transition that it lifted and I began to feel happy with myself and for the first time in my life I actually began to like myself and how I looked.

You need to think about how you see yourself in the future. Do you think you could live a happy or at least content life as a woman? Would you mind being called she, being seen a a girl in society? Or could you see yourself being a man? I tend to find that question easier thinking about certain situations like going into the shops or being at work in an office, think of yourself. What are you like then? How do others treat you?

If you have mental health issues then it would be worth seeing a gender therapist who may be able to help you distinguish what is/may be gender dysphoria and what is something else. Don't rush it is all I can say. It took me years, if it takes you that long to feel 100% in your decision and comfortable coming out to people then so be it. Don't rush into it if you're going to regret it.

 

ok so here's what cemented it for me. my gender counselor asked; "if you had a magic wand and could change anything about your body? what would you do? bearing in mind that when you're done you're done and you cant go back and change it again." i though for just a few seconds and it was "hair on my head, none on my body. lose a bunch of weight, fem my face, boobs/hips/bum, and a vagina a real vagina" she just smiled at me and said "no cis male would ever wish to make his body a woman's, much less the very feminine woman you describe" we just sat there for a few minutes while that sunk in and i knew it was Right. well thats my confirmation story.

so, if you had a magic wand.......?

 

THIS. And what ShadowAlex said about clothes. These are what have helped to lessen my doubt about being trans. First all i did was experiment with clothes and self-talk, talking to myself in my head just normal thinking as a guy with he/him pronouns. As time passed, it became more and more apparent and it felt like i was fooling myself sort of because i suddenly, increasingly, did not like being called 'she' or, most commonly, grouped together with other women. Now, a thin girl's shirt, even a casual one that hugs me decently, will give me top dysphoria and i did not have top dysphoria before, i just preferred a flatter chest. I always had bottom dysphoria but as a kid i wrote it off as normal curiousity, just like i wrote off liking girls as just normal, if not wrong and inappropriate, curiousity.

 

I can relate to this so much! When i was younger i considered myself to be a tomboy and have only recently thought that i might be trans. Although when thinking back on some aspects of my life it seems that deep down i knew i wasn't a girl. I would have body dysphoria but i'd shrug it off and ignore it, because for some reason i thought all girls were like that. Now i know that isn't the case.

I think how i figured out that i'm trans is by thinking "Am i comfortable with my birth gender? And i comfortable with myself being in this body?"

Another thing that tipped me off was when i was mistakenly referred to as male and liking it. I don't look very feminine to begin with so it would happen every now and again and i would get a small thrill when it happened.

Even with all that though i'm still not 100% sure if i am. I'm not going to tell my parents until i am but i'm getting pretty close to being sure, even with my constant second-guessing and general self-doubt.

I hope this helps!

 

^ this.

I was that tomboy kid that refused to wear dresses/makeup/pink until I 'tried' to be a girl in middle/high school to fit in. This is probably pretty common among ftms but that doesn't mean all tomboys realize later they are ftm. If you find yourself wishing to magically be a guy then you probably are one. But thats up to you to decide. You could be a tomboy or a trans guy or neither.

 

I’m currently figuring gender stuff out but this rings so true to me. As a teenager my ‘friends’ used to try and pressurise me into wearing make up because I “could be really pretty if I just made an effort”. I compromised with starting to dress a bit more feminine as it was easier to try and fit in at least a bit. I think dressing in a more masculine/androngenous fashion is often seen as being very causal for someone perceived as female. Especially when I’m involved in some formal stuff at work, I feel that I need to present fairly feminine (skirt suit, dress etc) to be treated on par with my male counterparts.

I don’t really know what my gender is right now and I’m the same that the more I start to think about it the more I wonder if I’m just making my experiences fit? I think doubt is normal though especially after reading stuff on here. There are definitely parts of my female body I am not comfortable with but I’m not yet sure if transition is the correct route for me.

 

If you did want to come out to someone you could say that you are questioning your gender identity. Saying that gives you room to change your mind. If they ask why you think that, you can follow up with that you feel like a dude. If you come out to your parents you can always add that you are thinking about trying gender therapy.

 

these are very valid and important questions, i think you should discuss this with a professional. that can be really helpful in parsing these things out.