How could I have not known for 32 years?

I think it is under basic information in the about me section. It's not on the front page so there is a good chance your close friends don't go through that section because they feel they already know all about you as far as basic info.

 

It is surreal. My ex is out having coffee with some woman he met online and it doesn't bother me. Part of me wondered if I would but no. I'm a little sad about the whole thing, which is understandable because he has been my family for more than six years now. I don't think he really wants to be doing this but is actually using it as a distraction. We both agreed that if we were to date, no bringing it home until I move out. Still, I never thought he'd be the first to go out.

I am texting with someone I met online who seems interesting but we don't talk on the phone and have no plans meeting at this point. Then again, since I have never really explored this part of myself, I'm a little anxious about meeting women in person. Does anyone else feel that way? I don't care if anyone knows that I'm gay other than my dad and since he lives 3000 miles away it really isn't an issue.. so that isn't it. I can't really describe why I'm so damn afraid. I feel like a virgin, and I've actually been with women... but that's how I feel, like meeting women would be my first time or something (figuratively speaking). I've signed up for our local online LGBT meetup group and they have been out to have coffee a couple times and I keep chickening out just in case I might meet a woman I'm attracted to. I don't know what will get me over this hump. I have felt this feeling before but always told myself it was because I wasn't really gay. It has become an anxiety when I even see women I find attractive out in public and then I can't look at them in fear they might somehow know.

---------- Post added 8th Mar 2015 at 04:25 PM ----------

This is exactly what happened to me. I was really stressed and upset and my ex asked me what was wrong. I told him that I thought I was gay and that I needed to explore that side because I never let myself. Then over a period of a couple of weeks I started putting everything together and was in complete shock. I was embarrassed that I didn't know because it suddenly became glaringly obvious and I felt like such a dolt. I have been in limbo with everything, just taking it all in and doing nothing with it until I found these forums and realized I was not alone and not a freak for not figuring it out when most do.

A lot of people don't realize that sexual orientation and gender identity are two different things. They can go hand in hand but sometimes they have nothing to do with the other.

 

I'm actually not married to him, I said I couldn't bring myself to marry him. I did tell him that my feelings for him haven't changed, that's the thing. I still love him, care about him, even have affection for him, and think of him as my family. We have always had issues that I thought was low libido due to having diabetes as far as the bedroom. I was always "performing". An issue that was tearing us apart and causing us to fight all the time. The problem doesn't lie with him and I made sure to tell him that. It actually frustrated him because that meant he couldn't fix it.