How come being gay is ALWAYS on my mind? Whenever I am walking with my friends, talking with my friends, reading a book, or just working on a school report, BEING GAY IS ALWAYS ON MY MIND. It won't leave, but I'm always asking myself, "I wonder if having a boyfriend isn't all it's cracked up to be. I can be a single, gay bachelor. I wonder if my friends should know I'm gay. What will my extended family think of gay people? Why am I the only gay person in my family?" Stuff like that. I've tried to stop thinking about it, and just say that it is what it is, but it's starting to nag at me, and won't let me stop thinking about it. Does this mean I haven't fully accepted myself? What should I do to make me stop thinking about it, and just let it flow?
I do this too. Its really non stop. However its becoming less frequent the longer I've been out. I think its just something we have to live with. Its because we are a bit different and we ponder about things like relationships and what not. Sorry this is so unorganized, I'm on pain pills for my back so I'm a bit looooooopy.
I so wish I knew the answer to this! I feel like I have some form of Gay ADHD! Like I can only think about something else for a minute at a time before my brain basically starts shouting ride: "GAY! GAY! GAY!" ride: It's getting pretty distracting.
I guess. I don't think a black person thinks twice about being one of the few black guys in the office, though. Unless he's really insecure. Maybe I'm just really insecure about it? Horrible example, but it fits the bill. No offense to anyone who reads this. I know. :bang:
Lol, I also do this. It's annoying as hell. For me there is still doubt, so I deal with that a lot. I'm out to two people, and around them it's not an issue. I can be myself and it doesn't matter. I think once we've fully accepted ourselves and are mostly out these kinds of feelings subside. Unfortunately for me, this isn't in the immediate future, so I deal with it. If it makes you feel any better, everybody goes through life carrying a burden of some kind. You're gay and you've accepted it. Maybe your friends should know, maybe not. But at least (from what I can tell) you have a good group of friends, you do well enough in school, etc. There are worse kinds of things to have to carry around all the time then being gay. Are you going to college or away from home soon? Maybe joining an LGBT union or something would help clear your mind and come to true acceptance. There's one at my college, and I am nowhere near ready to go to a meeting. Maybe next semester (September) but I'm going one day at a time. Good luck. I'm not much help as I haven't overcome these feelings either, but at least we're in it together.
I do think a lot about getting a boyfriend and all, but I don't think too much or raise too many questions about being gay though (other than my current preparations leading to my upcoming outing). I think a lot more about sex though, for which I blame Spring until Spring is over and I need a new excuse.
I agree with you 'Texas, it's what I was talking about when I said my mind was primed to notice all things gay, like those two fellas holding hands this morning....I know it will subside and just be a part of who I am (eventually)...part of me wants that to happen, part of me doesn't, it's all so new and exciting!
My circle of friends know, for the most part, but we don't bring it up in discussion. I feel like the big elephant in the room. This August or September, I am going to college. They have a GSA, and as I don't see it as going to one a big deal now, I'll probably psych myself out before I even get the chance to go to a meeting. Nervous knot in my stomach whenever I think about it, but I hope it goes away like you said. >_<
Yes, but if someone is black its not really a secret. However, I'd you're gay, then its sort of taboo. It's forbidden. And I think that's why people think about it so much.
I think when you're in the closet, all you can really think about is the fact that you're gay and you ask yourself all of these questions over and over again. I think, or at least hope, that on the other side of it you can stop wondering and just be yourself and be open with your family and find a relationship, etc. and the answers to all of your questions should soon follow.
I feel that way too. Like, I think about my sexuality even in times when it's totally not relevant...and I'm way too conscious of things I do so I can compare them to the things that other people do and determine if I'm "obviously gay". Before I started considering myself gay, I'd like girls and not be all obsessed with my own orientation, and I want to get back to point.
Being gay has almost been constantly on my mind since joining EC. I guess this is period of change and growth, and so sexual orientation is on my mind. ---------- Post added 13th Apr 2013 at 07:38 AM ---------- BornInTexas: I think part of your issue is just where you are in life. I gather you are not out to your family. And you say it's something your friends know about, but don't talk about. When you get to college, things might change. You can join that GSA. (And do that ASAP. It may be a little scary, but just do it. Imagine me there in spirit dragging you in if necessary!) You may feel more comfortable being out to more people. Who knows, you may even find that special guy to snuggle with! In a post yesterday, I mentioned attending a LGBT event the other day. In one way, I was very conscious of being gay the whole time, simply because it was a LGBT thing. But at the same time, I felt more normal than I have recently. Mainly, I think, it was because I could be honest, and no one cared.
Usually when I start to feel like this around people, it's because I want to tell them I'm gay. I want my family to know really badly, yet I know I might never have the courage to admit it.
I tend to agree with this. If you are in the closet then in effect you are keeping a secret or playing a role that is not you and yet that you feel is very important to never get wrong or let slip (even if you really don't want to keep it or play it). I would think that would take a lot of concentration and attention and as a result you're going to be thinking about it a lot. When you are out, you find other things to focus your attention on and worry about. But the 'being gay problem' is essentially solved so you don't worry about it anymore (or at least worry about it less in direct proportion to how out you are/feel you can be). Todd