So I have been on hormones for almost two years now and had top surgery this summer. In nearly all ways, I go through society like any other guy. But something got me the other day and it’s still been bothering me. I always tell myself, “it’s not a big deal if people know you’re trans” and really try to believe it. I met my boyfriend’s family and his mom correctly assumed I was gay, but then followed up the question with “is he...?” Trans? Yeah. I want to pass as a gay man. I don’t want people to see me and immediately think “he’s trans.” I shouldn’t feel ashamed of being this way, but it’s a complicated part of my identity that a lot of people don’t get. I still get invasive questions about my genitals, even more so since I’ve had one surgery (the follow up is always - when will you get the final surgery?). I just feel that this thing with my boyfriend’s mom happens more than I realize. I go to thinking - how many people have looked at my face or body, my clothes or voice, and figured out I was trans. What gave it away? Will I ever pass as ‘completely’ male? And why, as an out and proud trans man, do I still feel shame over not passing as cis? Does anyone else feel this way?
Personally, passing isn't a huge deal for me since majority of the time, people will see me as male. Sure, there's the odd time where I don't pass, but for me, I just have to judge how people perceive me and go from there since I'm not 100% out either. Most people (strangers) who don't know me won't even take a second glance though. I don't think that's not uncommon to be ashamed of not passing as cis. You're a man, and want to be seen as a man, and in a ciscentric world, people will try and categorize you in one of the two binary boxes. If you don't conform to one of the two binaries, I think that's when people start over-analyzing things. I don't think it will always be this way, I think once your on T for a few years, people won't try to assume whether your cis or trans. One person I look at is Aydian Dowling, I think he's somewhere like 8 years on T, and 5'6"-ish, and passes as cis.
I originally thought my fear was about turning out to be an ugly woman - no catalog to preview how I will look after HRT - been on it for a month - though I realise my biggest fear is I will look like a man trying to pass as a woman. I know that my journey is a drop in the ocean compared to yours - you being on HRT for 2 years and me for just 1 month (I was on herbs for a month before that and have been living as a woman for just over 1 month), though I don't think time makes any difference, I still understand how you feel and reading your post makes me realise that it's going to be a very long time before I pass as a woman, if I ever really do. That makes me really sad. Here's what I don't get - if someone walks into a restaurant or catches a taxi and they are a man dressed as a woman or a woman that looks like a man ask the person what they would like to be called instead of just assuming. Do people think we just like playing dress up for fun? It's not fucking dress up. Here's what I realise - we do a lot of research, go through a lot of self-searching, hours of therapy and go through the physical, emotional, mental and spiritual transition and in doing all of that get a firm understanding of what it means to be trans - the people in the world around us do not. That's not their fault. I have a best friend that keeps sending me youtube videos of people that regret transitioning or getting bottom surgery - she means well though she really has no fucking idea. People think this is a fetish or a preference they don't realise it's fucking biological and not a choice. It's not her fault. I have taken make-up classes, I wear skirts, I wear a bra, I have a female haircut - haven't gone for voice training yet - still it's Hi Sir... I don't just hate not passing I am terrified I never will and I am doomed to always look like a what the fuck... Whenever I feel these feelings I ask myself how I feel in what I am wearing, how I feel with the changes happening to my body and how I feel about doing something I never dreamed possible. It always picks me up and I remember I am doing this for me. As I said, I am a total noob - especially when compared to you and the journey you have followed so far so please take anything I say in such light. I have a long way to go and I can't wait to see what I look like in two years. When that time has passed I am not sure if I would like to be seen as a trans woman or just a woman. This is a birthing process of my true self and I guess the question is do people see the caterpillar when they look at the butterfly and more importantly does the butterfly think of itself as a caterpillar pretending to be a butterfly after it has broken free of its chrysalis? I hope you find your peace and thank you for adding light to the collective consciousness by being so courageous - the more people in the world that are true to themselves the better this planet will be. xo Jess
To me, it is not a huge deal. For a while it was, but then people found out about me. At first I was really bothered by it. I work in corrections, so you can imagine the reactions I got at first. But as time went on, I realized that it was not a huge deal. I was still respected and treated as male, so it was not a huge deal to me. It was bothersome at first though.
