Hello, So I've decided that I'm going to break up with a guy I've been seeing for about 3 months. I know there are a ton of threads of this but my dilemma is mainly phone/in person. First some background about why I'm breaking up with him. Basically, he loves me but I don't feel that way about him. Because of that he is very clingy (constantly texting about what he's doing etc) and because of how I feel it really annoys me. When we started seeing each other I wanted to see where it might go but I've realised that I'm not sure I want a relationship just now or that I'm too selfish to want to invest that much time and energy in someone. Given how he feels I feel a lot of pressure and expectation on his part that I am just not going to fulfil. I don't see us having a future together while he does. So I've decided that it needs to end and I will explain to him that I just don't feel the same way about him, that that means I won't give him the love and affection he wants and that our relationship is just not something that works for me even though I initially thought it was what I wanted. My question is this, shall I do it by phone or in person? If I do it in person, I'll need to drive to his place, he has a flatmate but we could still have a bit of privacy. I'm thinking of doing it this Monday. If I drive down, I'd drive straight back home. How would I give him an indication that this is a serious talk without telling him over the phone (which would defeat the point of doing it in person)? Driving to his during the week would be the first time so that might give him an indication in itself? If I do it over the (which is what I would prefer but it depend what's best for him) then we could talk as long as needed (as I wouldn't need to drive back home) and it would mean that if he doesn't want to talk he can just hang up. Part of me wonders if it will make any difference as there is going to be no easy way to say it. I know ether way he is going to be really upset. I would appreciate any tips or advice. Thanks in advance.
You could do it on the phone but do it in a video call maybe, it’s a middle option to doing it to his face and doing it on the phone you and him see each other and talk. Also there is not chance of physical injury if things went bad. I think this might be the best way to let him down but honestly it’s up to you depends if you care about hurting him that much he’ll get over it either way you do it I hope.
Thanks for your reply. I hadn't thought of video calling. It might be a good alternative. I don't think things would get physical but I think might be harder for him in person (possibly I'm just rationalising but he extremely emotional). Yeah, I want to try and make it as easy for him as possible but I'm not sure whether they way I do it would make much or any difference. I'll think about video calling as an option. Thanks.
It depends on the situation, but if you've been officially a couple for three months, and have been spending time together in person, I would personally very much suggest breaking up in person. It's more awkward, and more uncomfortable, for sure, but there's no comfortable way to break up. Doing it in person is most likely to come across as at least respectful, and while there may not be a way to avoid tipping him off ahead of time, chances are that if you've gotten to the point where you're ready to do this, he has some idea that it might be coming. There are cases, of course, where breaking up from a distance is simply necessary - very long-distance dating, for example. Video calling might well be the most practical thing to do in those cases. But if it's easy enough to drive to his place, that would be my suggestion.
Hi Gravity, Thanks for your input. Do you mind if I ask if you have had experience of a break up in person? Is there anything in particular that can make it harder or more difficult? If I did do it in person I wouldn't want it to become a protracted argument or something (if it's possible to avoid it).
I do have experience, yes. The only thing I can say is that, frankly, there's no easy way to go about it, and yes, they will be hurt by it. That said, this happens, and people recover and move on all the time. Beyond that, be honest and respectful of your own situation and feelings, but compassionate and respectful of their feelings, and ultimately, don't worry about placing or taking blame for anything - that's essentially beside the point now and doesn't really change the situation. Best of luck.
Thanks Gravity. As it happened I spoke to him yesterday (by phone). He text me asking why I hadn't gone to see him this weekend and I felt that he was entitled to know why. Basically, I just said that I don't feel about him the way he feels about me and I've given it time but my feelings haven't changed. He said ok and then hung up. We texted a little. I pretty much said that I'm here if he wants to speak to me but I will leave it up to him and he replied 'why would I when you dumped me'. I guess I thought he would want more of an explanation (although I'd pretty much said what needed to be said) but this is actually more in keeping with his character. For myself , I feel crap about ruining his dreams but it was very much the right thing to do. One final question though, I am thinking of texting him at the end of the week to see how he is getting on. If I don't hear from him should I not do that or should I do it anyway? It doesn't really affect me but it is whether it would just be harder for him or not. I'd appreciate any insight.
If it was me I’d send a text just to see how he’s getting on. I wouldn’t expect a reply though , it seems like he’s not much into reasoning things through ?
Sorry you’re going through this Bartabus, I hope you’re feeling ok . Hopefully now you’ve made a decision and acted on it , hard as it may be, you’ll be able to settle down emotionally.
Hi Northern Guy, Thanks for your input. I'm fine in myself. I've been thinking about it a while so it's not a rush decision from me. I feel concerned about him but I'm generally ok. I know it was the right decision so it's just a case of settling down a bit. Yeah, I'm not sure he wants to talk about things. I'm going to leave it for now and see if he gets in touch. At this point, I was preparing to explain myself in quite a bit of depth and I'm not sure that's what he needs. I suppose I just want to check that he's ok but I'm probably the last person he wants to hear from. Thanks though.
Hey Barbatus, I just went through a break up myself (literally an hour and a few minutes ago), in a very similar situation. It's really hard, indeed, even if you know you are doing the right thing for the both of you. Apparently, i think you handled the situation well. From his side, i also understand that he is feeling sad about this, so i would give him the time he needs. I'm not saying you can't send a message later to see how things are, but, personally, i think it will be best if you just don't send it. Not only it could send the wrong message (making him think you aren't so sure about what happened, for example), but it is easier to heal from a break up if you distance yourself from the person, even when things ended politely. You said what needed to be said. I don't think there is a reason to explain things further, as it won't change the break up. Let him heal, and focus on healing yourself now. Even if you are already ok, focus on other things, and leave this behind, as a good experience, but in the past.
Hi Chiroptera, Sorry to hear about your break up. Yeah, it isn't easy and it was the right thing to do. Were you in a similar position, i.e. were you the one ending it? The thing is I tried to speak to him about it a few weeks ago and it didn't work. He was still thinking that our lives we settled and it was just too much really and I didn't feel the same way. I guess I am a bit concerned about him given that I've been the one to end it but I want to do what is best for him and you make a good point. Hope you are doing ok.
Yup. Actually, i saw your post yesterday and it helped me to reflect about my own situation, hahaha I'm ok because this is, actually, the third time we broke up (the last one - three times is a lot of tries, and i think i've had enough). It doesn't make things easy, but i saw it coming for some time now. He was hurt by it, but it would be worse for him and me if i insisted (more than i had) in a relationship that wasn't working for me. Same thing here too. In my case, i still like him, and i wish him well, but i feel it is best to just move on with my life while he moves on with his. I think it is a similar situation. I explained my feelings to my ex for a bit, but i didn't dwell on it for too long (looking at his face, i could tell he wasn't interested anyway). I don't think that, in most cases, it helps to explain things in much detail. If you made your point politely, then it is done and, personally, i think that explaining little details doesn't help much. If he comes to you and wants to talk, you may talk to him a bit more (if you want to), but i don't think you should insist on talking to him if your point was already clear. Of course, relationships are different, but those are my two cents.
Hey @Chiroptera, You seem to be a bit of a glutton for punishment if you and this particular bf have been together three times. I would simply ask, from an outside perspective, just how well the two of you communicated in each of your relationships.
While i used the similarity of my situation as an example, the details involved are not relevant or helpful to this thread, i'm afraid. Relationships are complex and not so easily judged or explained, and the subject would go off-topic. I have talked about this one of mine in other threads. If you are curious, feel free to check my older posts about this.
@Chiroptera I HEAR you and I'm not judging, by any means. I was simply pointing out that coming back to the same unhappy relationship three times and ultimately ending it each time is probably not a positive thing... As a consideration, have you talked to a therapist about your feelings for this guy?
Hi Chiroptera, You make a good point about the little details. I think I just assumed that he would want to know and was ready for that but I do overthink things. Glad my situation helped clarify your own in a little - lol that's one of the things that is so helpful about EC. It's not just realising that you aren't alone in your situation (even if like your said each of us have our own particular circumstances), it's also what can help inform us. After trying to talk to him I realised that he just wasn't able to tackle difficulties in an adult way - that may sound harsh but I think it is an accurate reflection of him basically not talking to me about it. Anyway I hope things get better for now that you've called it a day. It's unpleasant but just think of sticking it out for 10 years and you have your answer pretty much (or at least that is how I thought of it).
