Hopelessly In Love With My Best Friend

Hi everyone! Welcome to my extremely long post about my best friend, and my aching love for her.

We met online. If you're reading this right now, you must be familiar with the art of "internet friendships". I have so many Internet Friends - but she's far surpassed that title.

Our first conversation took place around 7 years ago - back when we were both new to the world of teenagership. It was just one of those casual internet friendships you get. At the time, you never think about how important they can come to be many years down the road.

We started talking every day. One message at a time. Then it became two. Then three. At one point, we had four separate messages going on at once. I remember trying to reply to all four at once before she could respond, so that I could finally take a break. But she kept responding too quickly too. I finally said "Stop messaging me back so quickly! I'm trying to answer them all!" to which she responded that she was trying to do the exact same thing.

Over the months, our messages multiplied to greater numbers. I believe 30 was an impressive amount at some point. With so many messages, we really were talking quite a lot, and becoming nice friends.

But at some point the messages grew to 50. Then 70. Then 80. We had been friends for a couple years now. Our friendship mostly consisted of cat videos and memes. Until it didn't. We started off very slow. Complaining about minor problems. Our trust in each other grew, grew, grew, very gradually. Looking back now, it's hard for me to imagine a time when she didn't know everything about me. But again, it was a very slow process.

It was around our third year of friendship when I cried while typing the message, "You are my best friend."

I was so happy when she said I was her best friend too.

I was so relieved that day. So happy. We texted occasionally, and Skyped once or twice. I'd say it was around this time when we started talking about more personal problems without restrictions. It's hard to note the exact moment, but there was a change somewhere. Everything that happened to me, I wanted to share with her. Every moment. Every argument. Every catchy song I listened to. Every useless thing, I wanted to share with her.

I drop out of high school, and she goes on to graduate. Our messages grow from 100, to 200. She goes to college, and I'm so happy for her. I've been jealous of her other high school friends. I told myself this is because she's the only real, true friend I have, and I'm just jealous that she has other people besides me. Other friends. But I'm jealous by nature - that's all it is. I keep it to myself.

During her second semester of college, or perhaps her second year, she tells me she's had a small crush on a girl. My heart shatters. I feel sick to my stomach. I'm absolutely revolted, but I type back "that's cute!"

I convince myself I'm just jealous by nature.
When she gets another crush on a different girl, my heart aches again. The only thing that calms me down is the knowledge that they don't really know each other. They won't date. A crush is a crush, everyone gets them all the time, they don't have to lead anywhere. It's then that I wonder, do I like her?

I spend the night confused and unable to sleep. I tell myself 'I would know if I liked her. So I obviously don't. Besides, online relationships aren't my thing.'

I continued to repeat that phrase every time these feelings came up.

Until a month ago. We're in our seventh year of friendship. Our messages have reached 300 by now, maybe even close to 400. Sometimes it takes us a month to respond to one message just because we have so many to answer before it. We both mean the world to each other - I realize our friendship could last through anything. I've had best friends before, but she is special. She is my entire world.

She asks me to move in with her. Next year.

There's that happiness again - a happiness I can't explain. We'd talked about it before, of course - but nothing set in stone. But now we have a date. Now we have a plan.

And now I start thinking that a relationship could be possible.

I didn't understand it right away. Google was my biggest friend. 'Do I like my best friend?' 'How to stop liking someone' 'Am I in love'

It wasn't until I read an article about love when I realized what I was feeling.
I want to spend my entire life with her.
I want to hug her every day.
I would do anything for her.
She means the world to me.

Wow. I'm actually crying now.

Anyway...

When I thought all those things - I realized it was true. I do like her. No. I love her.

It's been two months since that realization - and I think about her every single day. Every single night. In ways that I didn't use to. I realize now that all those years, I've pushed down my own feelings. But now with the idea of us moving in together, they've started coming back out. My heart hurts. The pain doesn't go away. I tell myself that I'm happy as I am. Her friendship is what keeps me alive. I am so, so happy with that.
I know our friendship could survive if I told her. I know that my unrequited love won't ruin everything. I tell myself that. I tell myself that in a year, when we move in together, I'll tell her about my feelings. I think about different ways to say it as I'm trying to fall asleep at night. So why, why doesn't this pain go away?

 

Thank you so much for your response. I hope the next year passes by quickly.

 

No, we haven't. She lives far away.

 

Sorry for the late reply, that must feel confusing. Hopefully you'll be able to know her sexuality soon. Either way, it's so cute that she tries to kiss you!