Hi this is probably going to confuse most people, especially as I am purposefully not going to go into massive amount of detail in the first post (I don't want to bombard you with facts and make it even more confusing, i'll give more info it people would like it ) My psychologist, who knows me well, thinks that I am homophobic towards myself butNOT others. I'll bullet why without much detail I feel like I've let my parents down and my whole family down When I was reading some lesbian erotica (wiht straight all on teh same site, most was straigh) I stopped as stuff got a bit more 'intimate' incase I really liked it Apparently I'm reluctant to accept it eventhough I'm out to most people My up bringing - my dad won't have anything to with a book, my mum thinks I'm not serious about it. (i've been brought up in a rather homophobic really to the extent when it is mentioned my dad often uses derogistory terms) And I generally beat myself up about it Thats just alittle bit of it I should also mention she feels that all my unsureness and questions about my sexuality have made my problems worse, which makes it harder for me to deal with it. I know i'm not straight. and i'm fine wiht htat. Argh, this is so confusing.:bang: if anyone can help then please let me know
Well I can't really help, but I can appreciate what you are saying. I think it is something we all experience to some extent before we fully accept who we are. We are subconsiously taught that being gay/lesbian/bi/whatever is wrong, and even when we realise that we are that way it takes some time to rationalise who we are with what we have been taught. If your psychologist is making you more confused and unsure then I wonder if you should consider being referred to another one?
Well I can completely appreciate what you are saying. You feel it makes no sense that you are being slightly "homophobic" towards yourself. You know that you have no problem with the fact that you aren't straight... BUT as I recently discovered with myself, being okay with it as a fact, and being okay with yourself, in front of people, representing yourself as your actual sexuality when you come out, are two completely different steps of acceptance. I really don't know if this is the root issue with you as it was with me, but I DO know that it took me 4 good years of thinking to figure it out. And it has helped me dramatically. Hope this may shed at least the smallest bit of light on your situation. Brenton.
Thanks, that makes a bit more sense now. And i completly agree with you tired_of_lying411. In a weird way I find it easier to be gay with than friends than admit properly to myself. Its stranger Lol, but then I am strange so its rather fitting hehe Thanks again:icon_smil
Hi daggerz, As some folks have already noted, there is a fine distinction between feeling comfortable with gay friends and being comfortable as a gay or lesbian. I've had an easy time coming out to friends and relatives so that's not even an issue anymore. But some mornings, I'll wake up scared shitless that I've made it this far, I'm gay, and there is no turning back (not that I want to). For brief seconds, I begin thinking, what if I made a mistake :confused2: ? It doesn't last long but the fear comes from having been raised very Catholic and almost entirely surrounded by homophobes. When I'm walking down the street and my boyfriend becomes openly affectionate, I also have to swallow a few times to avoid a sudden attack of homophobia (a lot of people in town know me from my job). I've only been out to myself for about 8 months so I think it's perfectly normal to be in a phase where I'm still getting used to the idea of being gay. Lets face it, we can't overcome years of internalized homophobia in a few weeks or months. We just have to let our own common sense and reasoning prevail, at whatever pace seems right for us. A few close friends and understanding relatives can make the journey a lot easier. Good luck(*hug*)
Yeah, When I'm by myself, alone, talking to myself or thinking about being gay, I'm COMPLETELY fine with it. I can say "I am gay" and know I am and feel fine, but when it comes to being the same amount as comfortable when I'm in public, or even just with a friend, It all disappears. Like I was shopping with a friend whom I have come out to, and she talked me into buying a scarf (which took her a good 20 mins) I mean, it's JUST A SCARF.. I shouldn't really care about it, but I get so paranoid about "what if someone sees me and thinks I'm gay"... This shouldn't scare me like this, I hope I can start to get over this. I mean, I feel her trying to lure me out of my shell when we're in an appropriate place, and I resist so much. I just feel bad about it. She's comfortable with it, why can't I be?
Just to answer your question. You aren't comfortable with it yet because you haven't reached the phase where you are downright proud of who you are. It bothers me too that my friends can be totally uninhibited about being affectionate in public while I'm still looking over my shoulder to see who is watching, deathly afraid that some acquaintance (who doesn't know I'm gay) might make a comment or be surprised :icon_redf . So I guess the best thing to do is to hang out with folks who are less inhibited and try to learn from them. I'm hoping the self-confidence will eventually rub off. If I stumble across any neat tricks that speed up the process, I'll ceretainly pass them along. I think the key is to overcome self-consciousness and to quit thinking that other people are as concerned as we are. Most peple could care less. Easier said than done.
