Holding my breath

Well, this is how my meeting went. I decided the best thing to do was show up as myself, so I wore a nice dress, jewelry and a bit of makeup. Firstly I was nervous, but a little bit excited, as I suppose we all are when we do something new. I was perhaps cowardly, as I had two female friends there for moral support, who just came along for the ride. The group met in a pub and the organiser wore a lanyard so that you could tell which table. To be honest, they could have been any group of young people as far as I was concerned (aged between 20 and early thirties). They were all much younger than me and my friends, but nobody showed hostility. I ended up spending quite a long time talking to the same woman (I am not good at mingling and the music was quite loud). She was 13 years younger than me. I later correctly guessed her age, which I think slightly surprised her. I found her very good company: she is an engineer in an interesting field and had lots of topics to talk about. I told her what I do for a living and that I have children, but no more personal information than that. I frankly found her attractive, and she gave the impression of enjoying our conversation, but I'm sure she must've wondered what three older people with kids were doing at the event. The group moved onto a gay club. Then one of my friends suggested we leave that venue and try the drag club over the road. I felt a bit apprehensive about feeling out of place there. But we said goodbye to the lgbt group and went to that club. It was a real eye opener for me - seeing men being able to express themselves in women's clothing. I felt surprisingly comfortable in that place and, for the first time in my life, entirely unthreatened in a night club. Possibly because none of the men there were looking for a hook-up with a woman? The lgbt people came into the same club a short time later and we danced in a group. We left early though - I'm too old for all this kind of thing really and am very tired today - but it was a good evening. And I'd go to that club again if I was with open minded people who wanted to let their hair down.

 

Wow... well done and I can only imagine how you feel today... apart from tired as that would be me lol. I know we can not share info on here but would you have the link to one of those clubs. Not sure where they are but that sounds like a gentle introduction into moving along to the next stage of meeting people. Of course if that is something you don't want to share and think I am being inappropriate asking then apologies x A member named REALLY shared a link for me a few days ago called MEETING it was so interesting. I will sort the link and share here later... I am still learning to navigate through this site and keep losing the entries I make by clicking the wrong buttons. It had meetings of different types, snowboarding (not for me) dogs walks... with or without your dogs and bowling. Lunches, lots of non club, drinking events. I want to go to something but as yet have not told anyone about my feelings. I am not sure on some of my friends. One friend who lives quite far away, I went and stayed with for a weekend a few months ago. My intention was to talk to her as I have known her since we were 11... 41 years of friendship. I was intending to have a drink and let it all out in the hope she would say "that's all fine, knew it all along and I will come out with you to see if you can meet people" Well!!! We were watching a programme on TV about a man transitioning to become a woman (excuse me if I phrase things wrong) And my friend came out with " don't understand all this business, what's wrong with them" I was destroyed. I felt that she was going to be my sounding block. It instantly threw a cloud over the rest of the weekend. I have known her for so long and really didn't know her at all! I came home, changed the password on my little laptop... and found this site. It has helped so much. I really do not know what I would do without my little quiet moments, sat on my bed... back to the wall, losing myself on here chatting to you lovely people in the same boat as me! x

---------- Post added 25th Feb 2017 at 09:32 AM ----------

I want to add that I will talk to my friend again about this at some stage. I will tell her that I never felt so far away from her in that moment than I have ever felt about anything before. I am normally a very firm speaking person. In my job I deal with people that I have to sometimes be very firm with and I have no problem 'saying it like it is' But when she came out with that I was lost.

 

Hi jackiescutt17,

You can find your previous entries by clicking top-right on your username, clicking on Statistics and then on Previous Posts.

Alternatively, if you scan down the forums, you'll see a little bent arrow on the envelope next to threads you've contributed to.

Hope that helps.

 

The lightning bolt certainly did a job on me! I know exactly what you all mean about 'my tribe' just need to find the rest of them. I feel now I am a totally different person. Ready to commit even! I have never felt that feeling in the relationships I have had with men. Why so late in life for me... perhaps as my children are now all off doing their own thing that I have more ME time. The woman I crushed on isn't in this country. I have met her 3 times on family trips and everytime we met up in the various groups I knew something was different. The attraction got stronger and stronger. Then the last time after a few drinks I thought this is it! We were discussing relationships. Both slightly worse for drink. I will not quote what she said but she then asked me If I was presently attracted to anyone and I said yes... YOU. She turned and looked at me and was SURPRISED. We were huddled in a corner at the time. I thought she was going to jump up, but she didn't. She just said 'since when' I told her since our 1st meeting 3 years previously. She went quiet, but still didn't move. She is older than me and is an incredibly sensible, well balanced woman of the world. There is a little more to this story but at the moment I can not bring myself to write it down. To sum up my experience after that we stayed in touch by messenger. For me some contact was better than nothing. For her she wanted to see what she had done to have had this happen. She hadn't done anything. Apart from being a warm, friendly, open welcoming person. One night on messenger she asked if I was a lesbian, she said if I was that would be totally ok, she was just trying to piece things together for herself. I said no. Until then I thought I wasn't. We will see each other again because of family connections. We are sorted now that hopefully when we are next in each others company we can cope. For her it may be awkward as in one of our conversations when she said that nothing could happen and did I agree with that, I answered yes. But I added... Unless she ever felt she wanted to! I decided that I needed to let her know that, as I had never felt this way about anyone before. At 52 if I didn't risk being honest then I may as well just try and go back to putting all these feelings back in a box that I know I would not be able to shut. It was then she said we needed to distance a bit. We do still communicate as we have a shared family connection and we have to. I still look at family pictures and think that this was the first person I truly connected to and actually fell for. I sometimes think to myself that maybe one day??? But that is the inner teenager coming out in me. Then the 52 year old woman with 4 grown children pops back up and tells myself to not be stupid and move on! And that is what I am going to try and do... at a snails pace at the moment though as I am so lost! This site has made it easier for me to sleep at night. I still wake up with lots of thoughts floating around in my head but now I feel that I can share them on here and that I am not going mad! x

---------- Post added 25th Feb 2017 at 09:57 AM ----------

REALLY you really are a star. Thanks for the navigating lesson... that really helped Thank you xx

 

Jackiescutt17, I can relate to your story: the feeling of really, really liking her on a personal level - then the lightning bolt and the realisation that you don't just like, but are very, very attracted to her - on EVERY level. Pretty mind blowing stuff - at least it was for me. I wish I could've told her, but there are many good reasons in my case not to - and - though there are many clues that she is attracted at least to some extent back - but there are also lots of ambivalent signals that say "don't go to that place, please". I have shed many tears over this whole business the past year, and come to a painful decision to separate from my husband, but I have also learnt a lot about who I am and am mostly at a place of reluctant acceptance about my sexuality. On the link - I am rubbish with technology, but am happy to share anything that might be helpful - providing I can do a private message to you about this. Can anyone explain how to do that on this forum? I'm in a vulnerable place right now. Hope you understand.

 

Oh Peterpangirl I totally understand and think I am in that same place as you. I am wondering whether to move forward or stay put. It would make life so simple to stay put wouldn't it? I am not sure about how private messages work. Not sure if we have rights to those on this site and that privacy I respect as I too feel so vunerable. I would love to talk to you properly. But don't want to break any rules on here or get banned as this is my only comfort speaking on here to a few of you. But if we can find a way then I would love to see the link I don't want to talk to a councillor or have therapy... I want to talk properly to like minded people that are experiencing the same thing as me. Visit some of these places without the intention of 'dipping any toes' but to just become accustomed to what I am beginning here and to see what all these feelings are heading me too! I also still have strong feelings for this woman but I know there is nothing going to happen there, so do I hang onto a maybe or explore and see if there is a different future for me out there. I am still reluctant to confide in my friends as I am so scared that will change some of the relationships I have with them xxx I think the decision to separate is so brave. I shouldn't really comment about that as I am on my own now... I split from my partner years ago as I just wasn't happy. No particular reason but that I just didn't want him near me! We had children, the youngest was 4 but I just could not live with him any more and since then he did go on to be in another relationship which was good for him. I think looking back that was the start! I couldn't work out why I simply was happy with him like all my friends were, something was missing x

---------- Post added 25th Feb 2017 at 12:29 PM ----------

Me again... I am not allowed to send a private message. This is the link the other kind member sent me. https://www.meetup.com/topics/lgbtfriends/ I joined the 45 plus bit and again, like this site very welcoming and lots of interesting outings. Not just bars. Jackiescutt17 x

 

The people who I have told about this are - my H, my brother, and 5 women friends. My husband has also told his sister and his parents about my change/ realisation of a non-heterosexual orientation. Unbelievably, I feel, and a real testament to what good people they are, his parents have not rejected me! I cannot find the courage yet to tell my parents about this aspect of me: I find the prospect of telling my mother particularly challenging, as we have a difficult relationship. She has already been hostile towards me and laid the blame for the breakdown of my marriage firmly at my feet. Maybe she would understand more if I gave her information about the sexuality problem? Or maybe she would disbelieve me? I know that she would likely interrogate me and I am finding it too painful right now and have more questions than I can give answers to. Friends are less problematic in many ways: I think this will sort the wheat from the chaff - true friends might find it hard to understand, but they will not treat you as if you have had a personality transplant in my opinion. Perhaps first try telling a friend you can avoid easily thereafter if the discussion turns out badly...Good luck!

---------- Post added 25th Feb 2017 at 12:36 PM ----------

Oh, and I advocate moving forward if you can...So so hard, but for your own sanity...

 

Jackiescutt17 - it occurred to me you might find lavendervisions.com a helpful forum. My username on there is lavenderandroses. Whenever I think about it I worry a little about the amount of information I have posted on there - but then I console myself that if anyone I know uses that forum unbeknown to me, well, then they obviously have their own issues!! If you join up to that one I know how to message, and I have found that really helpful. There are lots of insightful women on there, too, just as there are here...

---------- Post added 26th Feb 2017 at 08:44 AM ----------

I wanted to add that the thing I like about empty closets, though, is hearing men's stories - some of the guys on here really seem to find the right words and get to the heart of what it feels like...

 

Peterpangirl thank you. I have googled some sites and do not think what I have had come up very useful. I really am splashing around aimlessly at the moment. EC is my little secret corner that I go to of an evening My chats on here are really helping me cope. I did find a site that required a picture, people seemed to have put their own picture up. This may sound mad but I thought that I may come across someone I know! As you said... they will be dealing with their own stuff. Another member showed me a site called Meetings. This is a forum for social gatherings. I think I may try one of those when there is one local to me. Stomach is churning just thinking about that... but I think it really is something I will need to do before I move on. Still so unsure about telling anyone! I know once the words come out of my mouth out loud to someone else that another lightning bolt/light switch moment will flick. Can I handle another lightning bolt just yet? xx Have joined the other site and just waiting approval. same name for me x