Hi there, for the past few months I've been really struggling socially after an incident whilst I was on mdma. I was with some people, only one of them I knew well, (me and the closer friend were on mdma). The night was all good, whatever, pretty jokes actually, until I drunk some coconut juice from a coconut, and proclaimed "tastes like cum". Instantly the people were a bit like "what?" how'd you know that, to which I replied, because I once tasted a drop of my sperm.. True story. When I tasted that drop of sperm it was out of curiosity, and I don't think that makes me gay.. Correct me if I'm wrong. Anyway from that point on that night I spent the whole night basically rambling, I'm not gay, really awkwardly for the whole night.. Almost in a way that I thought I was gay (worst night of my life) it was super awkward especially with the drugs being involved I was just acting super weird.. Anyway ever since then that same feeling I get ALL the time when I'm around people.. "I'm not gay","am I seeming gay", "am I gay". These thoughts riddle me heavily, almost to the point where I just want to say fuck, it I'll be gay then. I feel like the resistance makes it worse, sometimes when I accept it to myself, it goes away and I don't feel the 'youre gay' attacking me any more. I've just come out of a 1&a half year relationship with a girl which ended pretty terribly with the death of her mother through cancer which made me feel really weak that she didn't think I was strong enough to be there for her, which to be fair, I wasn't. This also enforced the feeling 'gay' sort of because I felt feminine in the way I had no 'strength' to be there for her (not that girls aren't there for people, just how I feel I can explain it). She even said to me once, "stop acting gay" because I was just doing nothing almost asking her to make the move and to want to have me back, whilst I was just frozen like a chicken. I also had a Freudian slip with her where, talking about 69, I got dick and pussy mixed up so I said, I'll suck your dick and you can lick my pussy, or something backwards along those lines. Damn. Anyway it is just getting stupid now because me being so unsure I have been leaking super awkward, almost gay vibes all over the place and it's making my social life nearly impossible.. Sorry for the huge story.. I'm trying to work out what's going on.
It sounds like all that's happened is little mix-ups in words and anxiety about that. You don' say anything about not being attracted to women or being attracted to men in anyway, so I don't see any evidence that you would be gay. At all.
