I don't really know what to say, other than that I've never used an online forum before. I guess I finally decided to try this one because I think that I would really like somewhere I can talk without having to worry about how people will perceive me. Not that I've really faced problems with that at all, but I'm not out at all, so I don't really have any outlet to express that part of my life. So, Hello Everybody!!
@Rakkitora, I hope you find EmptyClosets as useful as I have. For me, it's been like pouring my heart out in a journal, and having people respond with support and encouragement. This is a really great place to express your true self.
Hello there. I'm new to the forum too and this is also my first experience on an online forum of this kind. I hope you can find more outlets to express who you are.
Hey @Rakkitora - What motivated you to start posting here? You mentioned that you wanted to be able to talk without worrying about how people perceive you, and that you don't have another outlet to express that (gay?) part of your life. Something going on in you life that you'd like to talk about? =Sevn
@KenzyBell Thanks! @SevnButton Ok, so this may be a long and rambling story because I'm going to write stream of consciousness since I'm not exactly sure what I'm going to say. The other day, I was having a conversation with some of my (male) friends, and we started talking about girls. I was asked if I knew who the two most attractive girls were in the IB program at my school (there's only 73 of us in my year), and I easily named the top one, because pretty much all the guys in my friend group crush on her, but I didn't know who the second one was, so my friend (jokingly I think) said, "You're straight, right?", presumably because I seemed unable to differentiate who the second most attractive girl was. At the time I blankly stated that I'm was straight without thinking about it, but afterwords I thought back to that specific moment, and it just made me feel kind of... weird, I'm not sure how to describe it. It made me feel weird because I dislike lying to my friends, and it made me feel kind of bad because of the fact that I felt like I wasn't being true to myself. I guess that made me really sad that I feel like I constantly have to conceal a part of my identity around my friends. Usually it's not that bad, because I don't really feel a need to overtly express my gayness, but when relationships come up in conversations I feel uncomfortable because I feel like I'm deceiving people. Some of my friends have been jokingly pressuring me to ask out this girl to prom that I had a crush on two years ago, and sometimes people still bring up the fact that I went out with this random girl who asked for my number at the mall once. Since I'm gay, it may seem strange that these things even occurred, but I think I was attempting to make myself fit into a heteronormative relationship, or maybe I do have an attraction to both sexes but I'm just more strongly attracted to guys. The thing is, I'm not at the point yet where I feel comfortable coming out, but the thought of not coming out eventually just makes me feel worse about myself. I'm planning on rooming with some of my friends at university after high school, and I don't know how I'll feel about going another four years of my life without acknowledging the fact that I am gay to my friends, because I feel like I might miss out on something. Although I'm pretty happy right the way my life is now, I want to opportunity to experience something like a gay relationship in the future, or to at least have people around me know. On the flip side, since I'm pretty happy the way things are now, I don't want to risk having my dynamic with my friends change - and from my point of view, I wouldn't be living my life any differently if I was out, but if my friends or family knew I was gay, they might change how they treat me - they might not think of me as the same person, whereas I don't see my self behaving any differently if I was out. So this post is pretty much about uncertainty, but I'll try to summarize it. Not being out makes me feel slightly uncomfortable, but I don't really feel as though I would behave any differently if I was out - its more just the little things that bother me, like the fact that I can't really feel comfortable talking with the other guys about girls. I'm fine with not being out, since coming out could change how people treat me, but down the road I do want to be honest because I'm worried that I'll miss out on something. And finally, I wanted to join this community precisely for reasons like this I suppose, because here I have the opportunity to present myself not as a person who has to come out as gay to his friends and family, but rather as a person who just happens to be gay. EC is a community where I can present myself as gay from the start, and I don't have to worry about how people's perception of me will change. Man, this is a really long, rambling, and confusing post, but at least it helps me to organize my thoughts. Although I'm not very good at expressing myself, writing all this out in a mini-essay does help me feel more like I have a handle of what's going on in my own mind.
Hey Rakkitora, that was good! Contrary to what you said, you expressed yourself very well. I took your intro to heart, that it was going to be a stream-of-consciousness, and that was exactly how I read it. I understand the feeling of being uncomfortable, and the uncertainty. I wish I had something profound, or maybe something useful to offer you, but I think you have a really good perspective already. I hope you'll find it helpful to post more here, maybe even start a thread in one of the forums. =Sevn
