Hi. :)

Hi there.

I'm Sunshine. A bisexual girl who should really start coming out to people.

If you want to hear the whole rant, read on. If not, just find the line and read from there.


My biggest problem is that, in the seventh grade, during my first (as I call it) bout of questioning, I was helping a few friends start a GSA; by the end of the year, I had started identifying as straight, knowing that I was attracted to the opposite sex. I didn't want to question myself, because I thought not knowing who I was made me weak; by the end of the next year, being a participant in all school phenomenons, I had become a school leader. Leaders can't be weak, so I stuck my chin up and said I was straight - and believed it - and simply brushed off any attraction I had to other girls as 'friendly admiration'.

(Honestly, I was stupid to think that admiring the thighs of the top girl on the cross country team was friendly admiration. Standing ovation, self.)

So, the following summer, I took a Comp PE class to get rid of my Phys Ed credits, and of course, I got stuck in a PE class with 50-odd other kids. I developed light crushes on a couple of guys... AAAAND four or five girls. I'm not athletic, and was having out-of-character, out-of-biologic-norms mood swings, so I blamed exhaustion and hormones on the sudden attraction. Buuut that didn't go away, and for the rest of the three weeks, found myself developing hopeless crushes on girls.

The rest of that summer was spent taking online Kinsey tests, evaluating every 'practicing for when we kiss boys' experience I had, studying psych papers on bisexual people, and basically piecing my life together. By the beginning of Freshman Year, I had come to terms with being bi. I had big hopes. My brother was two years older, and I had checked out a bunch of clubs - the school had a GSA, several writing clubs, and I had enrolled in two music performance classes. I was feeling good!-

I met the biggest Freshman class that my school's experienced.

Only about thirty people out of the 180 in my 8th grade class ended up going to this high school, and I couldn't trust many of them (no one likes fat girls). And, being a punk-and-hardcore-loving, authority-hating, vegetarian, edgy looking, dark haired, crude-mouthed 'rebel', I didn't sit well with these people.

I was immediately deemed 'avoid at all costs' by my choir, scared near all of my peers, dubbed the 'punk' by teachers (serious? I'm an IB diploma student who happens to like wearing black and red, cut my hair into the TINIEST of a fringe, and headbang to my music, I'm not a risk to society). But, because I became THAT GIRL, my friends started abandoning me, taking peers with them and leaving me alone.

I had gone into my counselor, discussing graduating a year early, who, when she found out that I hated school and wanted to leave ASAP, sent me to the interventionist. She was legally required to inform my family of the experience, but she was in on the lie on just 'being worried about the mental stress in taking SAT Prep classes'. My mother asked why, so I started lying out my ass. I hate lying, it's the bane of my existence.

At the same time, my father (homophobic due to his 'masculine' profession and his being Greek) started working in the house for the first time in 9 years. Without anyone to be able to talk to, I had to deal with every homophobic slur from his mouth (and later, the whole family) by my weak self. I asked my mother if I could reschedule piano/guitar lessons so I could join the GSA or attend the local support group, under the guise of 'supporting a discriminated community', and she said, "this isn't [middle school]. Honey, people will think you're a d*ke if you join!"

By November, I started considering suicide for the first time in two years. Later that month, I got diagnosed with depression, and was sent into therapy. My mother started yelling at me for not trying, my father tried to bend me into homophobia, and my brother just told me to have threesomes in college when I came out to him.

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Basically, I need help with coming out because I'm from a religious, homophobic, racist, sexist Mediterranean family, in a school where everyone expects nothing less than 98%, and I'm the Bad Seed who's sinking into the shadows and wishing to disappear. The family members who are aware of my bisexuality mock it, and I'm scared to come out to any more of my friends because they'll just say, "no, no, no, you're straight," so I've just slipped away and let them forget about me. My school hates me, my family would hate me if they knew who I was, and I'M TERRIFIED.

And I need help.

Thanks for understanding me; I'll understand you as well as I can. This isn't some 'click your heels three times' crap, but no joke, I'll be there for anyone.
~Sunshine Cries