Here we go on the Questioning Rollercoaster (super duper long)

So I'm not as much asking a question here as telling a story, except I haven't figured out the end yet. Be warned: I don't know how to tell it, so you're in for a long and meandering ride.

I'm young, about 15, and I am in school with kids who are older than me by a couple years. I'm in a really, really supportive community, which is just fantastic. I'm so lucky. Many, actually maybe most, of my friends are LGBTQ, and only one is in a relationship (she's straight). At my school in general, there are a lot of straight relationships going on pretty publicly (apparently there's this thing called a promposal lmao) but I've never felt external or internal pressure to be in a relationship.

I dress in a pretty masculine manner (check out the Gender ID thread for my thoughts on that stuff) and I don't talk about guys with my friends (see the fact that basically none of us have track records, and also I feel uncomfortable with it). So on the one hand, I've always felt different re sex and gender, identifying at one point as ace (that fell through), and i think it might actually raise more eyebrows if I WAS straight than if I wasn't. Compulsory heterosexuality seems like not much of an influence in my case.

Sexually, I'm a mildly horny teenager, and I've noticed recently that although my fantasies tend to involve a guy and a gal, I create detailed images of the gal and the guy might as well be a shitty Target mannequin for all I care. The only sex dream I've had was quite clearly lesbian. And hearing about/watching lesbian romantic relationships totally creates the sympathetic warm fuzzies that straight relationships fail to produce.

But.

There's this guy.

Ok so it's not as dramatic as all that jazz, but there's been one person that I've had a pretty weird crush on, and it's been a guy. If you've ever heard of limerence, that's what it is. Textbook. Fluttery chest? Yep. Intrusive thoughts? Of course. Idealization? You've got it. The whole shebang.

Except. Nothing sexual. In fact, thinking about my crush has been an active turn off. And if he'd asked me out, I don't think I would have dated him. Lately, my attraction has been waning. That's partially because once we became friends I felt satisfied enough with our relationship, so now I'm just stuck with a weird need to subtly fix my hair when he's around, which is seriously getting on my nerves. But I never really desired anything except for friendship and admiration from him. The only reason I call it a crush is that it matched with limerence so perfectly that it couldn't be anything else. I'm sure it's not compulsory heterosexuality, in part because I don't feel social pressure to be in a straight relationship and the guy is not thought by my friends to be attractive, really. I don't gush about him to friends; indeed, I feel the need to keep it completely secret. And it's not really isolated, either. I never feel like this towards girls, but I've formed mini versions of this same attraction to a few boys.

So basically I feel split. On the one hand, my sexual interests might veer towards the lesbian (though I'm not sure what straight people feel like re sex) and I think a lot of people think I'm gay. I feel like something isn't straight about me, though that could be because I'm surrounded by older kids. I also may or may not really want to go to Pride, and feel so comfortable in LGBTQ spaces. But I also think I'm heteroromantic (or at least biromantic with a preference to guys). One last thing is that, with women, I have trouble differentiating in my imagination between friendly and romantic things, so it's harder to test out scenarios.

That's all of it. Thanks for reading. Needed to get it off my chest.