Hi Everyone, So, my parents are visiting me for a bit, and my mom has straight up (no pun intended) questioned my sexuality twice (once in front of my dad too). The first time it was over dinner, the second when we were waiting for my dad in the movie theatre. She specifically noted how I never mention girls or anything like that, and If I'm interested in anyone, or when i intend to start dating, etc. As much as I fantasize about coming out to my parents, I totally chickened out on both occasions, even when my mom flat out asked me if I was gay. I said no. She could tell I was absolutely bright red in the face while I said it and while we were discussing it. I can't help it. My face goes deep red whenever I get nervous or feel embarrassed; I have no control over it, and my mom knows it. I could just feel my face burning up when she mentioned it. I said it was just because I don't feel comfortable talking about sex. I'm not sure if she bought it. What do you guys think? Am I just hiding something already obvious to her? My dad has never questioned my sexuality to my face, only my mom. I'm afraid I've outworn my stay in the closet, and it's almost getting ridiculous that I continue to deny I'm gay. It felt absolutely terrible dying my sexuality. My mom claims she wouldn't care, but she makes so many snide remarks about gays. Like, just today I asked her how she knew the car parked next to me was owned by a girl and she said "It's so clean it's either owned by a girl or a homosexual." It's exactly THESE kind of comments that have made me stay put n the closet for over a decade!!! What the fuck is going on here. Do you guys think she would really care about me being gay? I usually don't say it to myself like this but... I do LOVE my parents. I don't know if you guys can relate, and this may sound strange because I'm closeted, but I feel like they're the only people I can truly be myself around. Obviously I haven't been authentic with them about my sexuality, but I have such a hard time relating to other people, especially those my own age. Honestly, if I didn't have my parents, i don't know what I would do. I mean, I guess I have friends, but no one I'm very close to. And sure, my parents can be a bit annoying at times, but who doesn't feel this way about someone they know at home point? Sometimes I truly feel that, without them, i'd have no one to talk to and to just be myself with. Honestly, these past 10 or 11 years has killed me not being able to tell them my sexuality. All the dating and stuff I've missed out on in life. i've never been able to tell my parents about people I find attractive or what I'd look for in a person. How can i feel comfortable discussing these things when they've continuous gay slurs throughout my life? Nothing violent - it's the LITTLE things that have fucking kept me in the closet- like the comment i mentioned earlier. Guys, I'm desperate - PLEASE HELP ME!!!!! WHAT SHOULD I DO?!!!!!!! Please just say something! Any little thing will help! You guys are the only people I can talk to about being gay! PLEASE!!! THANK YOU!!!!
Hey I can see that's a tough situation. Whether or not you tell her is completely up to you, even if she knows you only have to tell her if you want to. It sounds like she would be accepting but obviously nobody can promise that. From the example you gave I don't think she realises that the remarks she makes could be offensive. I think to her she probably thinks it's a compliment. I'm not saying that makes it hurt any less. I know before I was out to my parents I became really sensitive about any mention of gay people and I definitely read more into situations than people meant by them. I don't know if it is the same for you. Is it that you feel like you want to tell them but you are just concerned in case they react badly?
If your Mom is asking you about this then she already suspects you are not straight. Her comment about the car either being owned by a girl or a homosexual is just based on stereotypes and if you were out to her I could see her comment as playful depending on her tone as she said it. Like you I also love my parents and I never wanted to disappoint them or anything. My Dad has also made NUMEROUS negative comments about gay people in the past before I came out, and that was what really kept me in the closet for so long (I came out recently @ 26). I cant promise anything but my parents accepted and supported me within a day of telling them. And now exactly 8 months later its no big deal that I am gay, we don't really talk about it too much anymore and it has not changed anything for the worse, I would say it has actually brought us closer together. My advice to you is to just DO IT, rip that band aid off! I can almost guarantee you have made this a way bigger deal in your head than it is in reality (I most definitely did). Other than the super religious people out there most people don't care if you are straight, gay, bi or anything else. I came out to most of my long time friends over text because we live several hours apart now. We all just hung out this weekend for the first time since I came out and NOTHING changed, it was a fun time and nobody acted any different around me or anything. In my experience and IMO you are only hurting yourself by staying in the closet. You only get one chance at life and you should live it to the fullest extent that you can. Good luck!
If she is curious and keeps asking, then she knows or has the good intuition. I cannot be certain but I think they want to know and more so you want to tell them. There is nothing as freeing as being out to people.
Maybe the point of view of a (kinda) straight person wouldn't be that helpful, but I hope somehow to be. If your mom questions about the fact that you're gay or not, could mean that she's worried about you and your future, but in a good way. I don't know what are your mother's opinions about LGBT people, but I think that if she asks you that, could be just because she may be thinking that you're gay, and wants you to "get out", feel free to not hide this secret anymore. Maybe you should talk to her, to explain your position about this, and much for sure she'll be understanding and will respect you even more for what you are. Even if you're gay, you're still her son, and she'll always be by your side, even if you come out to her about your sexuality. Good luck, kid!
It sounds like your mom would be supportive!! You should really tell her. Good luck, I'm sure it will go ok!!
I think your mom has good intentions, even if some of her remarks are pretty stupid. (everybody says stupid things sometimes, not saying it's good but well I think she'll come around a while after you come out to her)
Hey alainbeaux, From reading through your threads, it does seem like your mom believes that you may be and is trying very hard to get you to Come Out to her. That, of course, is wrong of her and not her place. However, if you feel that you might be ready to Come Out, then what is really holding you back at this point? I would offer that, IMO, most homophobic comments come from ignorance. Your mom may 'just' be reflexively making homophobic comments based on her upbringing and not even really understand what she is saying or how offensive they can be. Face it, the comment about a clean car being owned by a girl or a homosexual isn't particularly offensive, but it seems like an off-hand comment based on a homophobic stereotype in her mind. In many cases, when an LGBTQ person Comes Out to a parent that makes such ignorant homophobic comments, the reality of homosexuality and the fact that one of their own children is homosexual suddenly makes the concept of homosexuality real to them. At which point they usually start to recognize just how ignorant and potentially offensive their homophobic comments in the past have been. There is no guarantee, of course, that your mom will have such a sudden epiphany if/when you Come Out to her, but there is a good chance that she will. I would also ask you to reflect on something. You said that you don't really have any friends and that the only people that you can just be yourself around - even though you really can't since you're not Out to them. Why don't you have other friends? Could it be that fact that you are so deeply in the closet, especially with regard to your parents, that you aren't really even trying to have a social life? Could you actually be inhibited in living your real life because you are not Out to your parents? Just some thoughts.
What's the risk in coming out? So far, you have said you are unhappy with the current situation by not coming out. Have you told your mom you don't like homophobic slurs? Also, try not to use not coming out to your parents as justification for not dating: that's totally your business because you are an adult.
When you joined EC last year, you created a thread in the Welcome area and I posted this response to you, which I stand by: http://emptyclosets.com/forum/3126474-post4.html Your mom has clearly picked up on the elephant in the room and you are really fooling nobody by denying its existence now. I think she wants you to be honest with her. How do you do it? Well, I would suggest you consider a letter or email to both parents if you are finding it too hard to say the words. In a letter or email, you have the opportunity to speak very intimately about your feelings and your fears without interruption. You can make several drafts over a period of days until you are happy with it and you can include links to resources for parents - like PFLAG. In a letter you can tell them how much you love and care about them and you can emphasise that you are doing this to break down a barrier that is limiting your relationship with them. What do you think? If you want some inspiration take a look at the sample letters under the resources tab at the top of the page. Your parents will have questions and it may take them time to adjust to the news, but that's to be expected. If it takes us time to come to terms with things and work through our own set of questions, it's going to be the same for them. Very few parents react to a son or daughters coming out with complete nonchalance, but it's somewhat easier if you are simply confirming what they already know. Even so, they may find themselves in one, or some of these stages, for a time: Empty Closets - Parent and Family Stages of Grief My best advice is to think about the questions they might ask and get the answers clear in your mind and make sure you direct them to good resources. If you can demonstrate that you have really thought it through, they will not dismiss it as a phase or try to intervene in an unhelpful way.
You are 27. Your stay in the closet should have been over years ago XD Idk if that profile pick is you, but if it is you definitely have no reason to be worried about whether or not you'll be able to get 1st dates...
I mean, at least if you have been comfortable for years. I hope you haven't been struggling with it for that long.
I believe responsible parents know early on that your trend is not going to be with the norms and I also agree that if they care enough about you then how your difference from the norm is going to affect your quality of life throughout your life is going to be a concern to them. From reading your post it seems like you want to be honest with them, acknowledge their ability to key in on your personality and sexuality but fear their response may not be what you are hoping for when you do. If you want to come out to your parents I suggest you start to feel out their level of rejection or acceptance by answering their questioning with questions of your own. Put the ball back in their court and find out how they might or will respond to you actually coming out to them. in example, "Oh Bobby, sometimes I really wonder if you might be gay! Certainly you don't want to place that burden on yourself do you?" "Mom, let me ask you something. How would YOU feel about if I am gay and do you think the burden would really be on me or would it actually be on you?" If the conversation begins to turn ugly or negative end it politely with a response that eases their concerns such as "Mom I see this conversation is upsetting you and all I can tell you is it isn't something you need to worry or burden yourself with. I'm fine and so are you." HTH
