Help Me Please

Perhaps after some time, counseling will help you and your daughter communicate and really hear each other. She will see in time you are the same person. Just the fact you care so much she is hurting will make it ok. People divorce all the time and the kids get ripped apart if the parents don't intentionally hear what they need to be assured they are ok, you and mom are are ok, just living apart. Not less love.

 

My ex and I made it very clear to our children from the very first conversation, that no matter what became of us as husband and wife, thanks to them (not to mention the decades we've spent together) we will always be family. The relationship just differs from husband & wife to something more akin to adult siblings.

Even if you can't get your wife on board to support you in this claim today, it wouldn't hurt to let your daughter know that you will always love her mother and care for her as a member of your family and that you will always honor that relationship. (Assuming it is true - and seeing how much you are hurting, I cannot doubt that it is.)

I'm certain it will go a long way in comforting her regarding your suddenly questionable presence in their lives. It certainly was incredibly reassuring to my kids.

Good luck, many of us have been where you are and while you're going through this, remember that thanks to that, we're all here for you now.

 

Hang in there! Self-doubt is normal, what you're going through is scary so let yourself feel that.

You're focussed now on what is lost, but try to turn your gaze to the future for a little while at least. Try to remember that what was lost was never really there to begin with. What was lost was illusion and unacceptable compromises.

What you didn't lose was you daughter's love, focus on that.

 

Guilt is probably the worst torture ever. There is nothing humanity can think of to cause more pain than guilt.

Now looking into that complete and utter darkness, do you notice that very small spot of light? Go to it and it will get bigger and brighter as you move forward. Guilt will keep you from moving but you have to move. This has nothing to do with religion or any of that and has everything to do with removing guilt from your life. Is it easy, no. Will there be times you want to give up, yes. Just move forward...

Been there, done that...

 

Its been almost a month since I told my wife. At first she would lash out saying I was selfish and ruined our family. She kept saying how I wanted to go and enjoy my new lifestyle. She has since backed off on the comments. I think she is realizing that for the last 2 years especially, it has been extremely miserable a and difficult time for everyone. And maybe now there can be some measure of happiness. As far as telling the kids, we will hold off till we actually split which could take some time due to financial constraints.

 

My wife keeps asking why now after all these years. She thinks some event happened. I try to explain to her that there was no event, just years of buildup that I just couldn't handle anymore.

 

My D-Day was over Labor Day weekend several months ago. Like you, there are financial considerations that would make a split extremely devastating, not to mention some emotional issues on my wife's part, and ongoing medical concerns for one of our daughters. So we're together for now and probably for some time yet, which is frustrating for me, since I feel pretty much like this is me, and while I don't feel any urge to broadcast to people that I'm gay, I'd like for it to be a casual, open part of my life.

We often go days on end without the subject even coming up. When it does, it's usually in the form of little offhand comments or direct questions. The one that comes up over and over again is some variation of why did you marry me, why didn't you know, DID you actually know, why now and so on. I felt very uncomfortable discussing it with her at first, but it's getting easier, and in the process I'm starting to understand myself a bit better as well.

I have always told her that I married her because she was the only woman I really, truly felt a connection with. In my mind, I used that connection as a way to reassure myself I wasn't really gay, which was denial and delusion on my part. It doesn't negate the fact that I had and still have stronger feelings for her than for any other woman that has ever been in my life, though. But when I look at the connection that other couples have after 20 years of marriage, I could tell that we're missing something. That ease, the level of boring comfort, the casualness. Sometimes that's because two people just aren't meant for each other, even if they're straight, but in our case, it's because I'm finally starting to understand it's my attraction to guys.

A small note of hope is that she commented the other day that we seem to be getting along better since I told her I was gay. While I won't say it's been easy--and our current situation will definitely not work for me in the long run, although for now it's workable--we have some chance of maintaining a relationship of some kind once this all moves forward.

All I can say is, if you want to keep some kind of friendship with your straight spouse, there may be some chance to have it happen, but you'll definitely want to be cautious and caring and respectful of your spouse. This is not easy for anyone.

 

WrongWay80 - I'm in the same position. I don't feel it's necessarily a 'choice'. It's the way I'm built and made. I've fallen in love with a guy - and he's told me he feels the same way - I just want to hold him, kiss him and be with him. I still love my wife and will always love my kids, but being able to express my sexuality and the feelings I have for men mean that, whatever I feel for my wife it can't match the feeling of being honest to myself. I know that I cannot have my cake and eat it, so I will move out after the New Year and try and live in a way that is honest and close to my family.

 

So many similarities for me to the recent posts here. There was no event that'd finally forced me out, but the slow buildup of pressure and depression that finally became unbearable. The difficulty of others (especially my wife) to understand that it's not only--or even primarily--about sex but about living honestly, dropping the barriers and having a chance to actually start liking myself. It's so hard because, while I feel better for being truthful, I feel horrible about the pain I'm causing.

 

Here's my take on this, for what it's worth. I am out of the house and on my own, what I have discovered is that for the time being, I am getting used to being on my own again (I was 8 years on my own before marriage, same old, same old).

I am building a network of gay friends; it doesn't mean I sleep around with just anyone, it does mean that there are relational options that are not traditional. I can see that if you decide to follow a pattern similar to hetero relationships, you may set yourself up for disappointment and loneliness, but if you keep your options open, sow wild oats for a while, you will likely find that special someone who you cannot live without and who cannot live without you.

The trick is to get out there: staying at home in front of the TV is not a viable option.

 

" I can see that if you decide to follow a pattern similar to hetero relationships, you may set yourself up for disappointment and loneliness, " Wise words.

 

Hello Wrongway80. I am not as brave as you. I am still with my family because of the security and safety they offer. Your experience has made me wonder whether my wife and children would react in the same way ie why am I choosing a lifestyle instead of them. My thoughts are with you. I am sure I would be feeling the same way. Time....my friend.

 

I read the last post and well I feel for you #1 be true to yourself #2 do what you feel is right. But be careful what you wish for the gay life is tuff. I live in a homophobic area even in areas that are open its not as it seems . Im out open and faught my way to where I am with the high risk of being jeered, beaten or at best rejected for who and what I am .Good luck and life will change people will learn to accept you especially family love always finds a way .

 

I feel your pain wrongway80. Like many of us here, you have found the courage to face your greatest fear! You feel pain because you are a good, caring person who is concerned about your family. Dig deep and be reassured that better times lie ahead.