Help.Major crush on student..

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How do you know that exactly? If your having those type of conversations with her your on a dangerous path.
You would be better off joining some lesbian/bi meet ups which there are plenty of in London. Its obvious that your husband isnt meeting your needs, so why not try to meet someone who is available to love you and move on from him?.

 

I think this is a pretty extreme assertion.

I'm around this age, too. College is different. She's not an 18 or 19 year old that doesn't understand what she's doing. I would date someone 10 years older than me. I don't see anything dangerous about that, and though there's a pretty big gap, I really don't think 26 and 36 are all that different. The only thing that would be an issue, possibly, is that a 26 year old, freshly into women, could wind up leaving you in the dust in a few years because she realizes she needs to explore a bit more before settling - while a 36 year old is probably a little more set in their ways and ready to settle down.

I don't even think the "power balance" is an issue. You're a teacher and she's a student...once that relationship ends, you're just two humans. It is while you're actually teaching her. That's an issue for a few different reasons.

The issue for you is your marriage. And knowing that she also likes you now, before it wasn't that clear, is different. If you were just assuming her feelings for you while you were this into her, then it would be a totally different story and creepy.

Keep your distance for your marriage and sanity's sake - for the fact that it's probably a fleeting crush. And definitely don't act on anything while she's still in your class. And as a freshly out of college student, you better not be giving her better grades!! lol.

---------- Post added 7th Dec 2016 at 08:16 AM ----------

I agree with what cluster says here. Even the friendship is too much. I would really advise you to totally step back and be as emotionally detached from this as possible. For the safety of your profession and sanity, and because it's unfair to others in the class.

I have to say, I agree with you 100% here. People are really taking this to the extreme in a way that's making me shake my head right now. You are not a predator. I've seen students who were predators toward professors.

I would advise those having an extreme reaction to this to step back and think a little. This isn't a high school student and their teacher. This is a college professor and a student. An older student, at that. Wanna know how many people wind up sleeping with professors?? Probably not that many, but definitely some. This is not unheard of, and it's not illegal. It's only unethical in part of the OPs profession.

I definitely don't advise, encourage, or agree with cheating, but that would be your own personal dilemma. Being attracted to a 26 year old and vice versa is not a big deal.

I think you know you have to back away for your own personal reasons. You will be fine. Cold shower and all.

 

It's not that a 26 year old is a child, It's that the teacher/student relationship is extremely unbalanced when it comes to power. Should a 26 year old woman date and have sex with her 50 year old mother? She's an adult too but her mother has a power imbalance over her based on the nature of the relationship. A lot of people still would condemn this even though It's not "pedophilia". Which wasn't even my point.

---------- Post added 7th Dec 2016 at 09:57 AM ----------

It also depends on where the 26 year old is mentally as well. I'm 26 with a disability. I'm only just starting college now, still can't drive, still had my Mom take care for me until a few years ago. So I'm at a completely different stage of life than most 36 years old women, making them have more power over me. I strongly prefer younger women, about the age of 21-26, since we are equals due to my life disability. I'm not saying that this girl is as mentally disabled as I was growing up, to which case the age difference wouldn't matter. But dating a teacher is kind of inappropriate regardless of age.

 

I'm sorry, but are you really equating a college professor and student liking each other - even possibly having sex - to someone having sex with their own mother? Like, quite honestly, is that a real connection for you? It makes absolutely no sense, and disgustingly minimizes the emotional abuse that incest is to even compare it to two consenting adults liking each other.

Maybe you need to take a few more courses to observe what a college classroom is like. The dynamics between a professor and student aren't whatever you're making them out to be. Also, I honestly just have nothing more to say regarding that because it was so grossly off base that it leaves any realm of reality. It's way, way off base. It's not even in the stadium's parking lot.

---------- Post added 7th Dec 2016 at 12:49 PM ----------

And no one would condemn a 26 year old going out with a 36 year old. Get a grip.

 

I don't see how there's a difference. The teacher has POWER over the student. What about dating your therapist? Or your doctor? They are the same situations. Sure, maybe if the teacher is no longer teaching then it would be fine. But it would have to take place years after the fact.

---------- Post added 7th Dec 2016 at 12:50 PM ----------

Also, do you know how to read properly? I never said someone would condemn a 26 year old dating a 36 year old, I said people would have hesitations if the other person was in a position of authority over them.

 

Yeah, if you don't see a difference between someone dating their therapist/doctor/professor and their mother, that's a pretty big problem.

The power of your parent, who has raised you, who is your protector, to someone that is helping or teaching you isn't even measurable on the same scale. I'm getting grossed out from this conversation. Take care.

 

I don't think It's legitimately the same thing, jesus fucking christ. But that It's an example of where a situation has a power imbalance over two parties on unequal grounds.

I'm not against teacher/student relationships if the teacher is no longer a teacher and the student is no longer a student.

 

Okay, let's all take a huge breath here.

Soulstone:

You have come to EC with a legitimate question and I hope that you don't feel embarrassed or ridiculed for the answers that this forum provided. I along other members, don't feel you're a pedophile or any of the words tossed around here. I believe you're an honest woman who's just looking for some advice in a complex situation.

You shouldn't feel like you have to panic and want to delete this thread because of what some people are saying. You haven't done anything wrong (by what I read and what you told us) and you're taking the conscious decision to 'step back'. This is good. Perhaps, the best solution is to just to take those feelings-acknowledge them, but understand it isn't the best time nor is it worth your career to partake on them.

The pure fact that you're in the position of power makes it very dangerous and it should not be pursed but I think enough people told you that.

By all, you're not disgusting or gross or a monster-you're a human being and deserve respect. I hope this reaches to you and comforts you.

Take this time to search elsewhere for that 'soulmate'. Maybe online, or in a group or maybe the college has something for faculty/staff that relates to lgbtq. There are other ways and plenty of fish in the sea (my, how has time changed when I started to say that-I'm getting too old).

Otherwise, please don't feel afraid to ask for advice if you should ever need it. We are not perfect (I'm not perfect by any means), but we do have great sincerity and mean well.

Please keep us updated and I hope this reaches you.

 

Yeah, I think this got a little heated. To be fair, I never believed was a pedophile or a predator, although it might have been easy to read into it from previous replies. My initial advice was harsh simply because of the dangers and repercussions if a student chooses to report. But I can see how it lead to me looking like I was condemning someone, especially since it got to the point where there were so many attacks. Everyone was just defensive at both sides.

 

Wait until the semester is over and invite her to lunch or coffee. Don't over think it.

 

Hi all,

I just wanted to offer a bit of a contrary opinion here.

First, there's nothing crazy or weird about a relationship between a 26yo and a 36yo.

Second, there's nothing crazy or weird about attraction between teachers and students. It happens literally all the time. The power imbalance is part of what makes it so powerful. In fact, power imbalance is the very essence of sexual attraction. As Kevin Spacey put it in House of Cards, "Everything in life is about sex; except sex, which is about power."

Third, until very recently in history, this type of relationship was generally acceptable or, at least, not regulated the way it is today. The ancient Greek model for male homosexuality was essentially based on the teacher-student paradigm. And I'm sure that since coeducation became common, millions of these relationships have happened and the world did not end.

So I would suggest not beating yourself up and actually taking pleasure in the attraction. It's nice to feel something good for a beautiful person. Don't turn it into a bad thing. You are not doing or feeling anything wrong.

As for taking action, that's certainly another issue. You'd need to carefully consider your relationship with your husband, the risk to your career, and how likely your crush would be to remain silent about it. But I personally don't believe there would be anything morally wrong with acting on the relationship -- laws and morality don't always match up.

 

This is pretty ableist comment first of all. My disability gives me normal/high intelligence, but makes dealing with some physical parts of adulthood difficult. But thanks for assuming.

Second, I wasn't trying to imply that It was exactly the same, it was an analogy to describe the power imbalances because the previous posters were not getting where I'm coming from. It was a poor example I admit, because obviously I think it's much more immoral than a teacher/student relationship.

What I was trying to imply was that there is a power imbalance between student and teacher. Sure, the student may consent, and it may be fine without the job in the way, but It's also likely you will get reported and lose your job over it (if the student chooses to report). It's a very risky situation.

I guess a better example would be a therapist/client relationship. Yes, technically the client is an adult. Technically they can consent. Technically It's not illegal. But the therapist still has power over the client since the client because of the nature of the relationship. The client depends on the therapist for help and can easily become an abuse of power if they get involved. If the client has healed and no longer sees them as a therapist, it would be ok.

I don't think you're a terrible person, a pedophile, a predator, a criminal, or any of that. I understand why people would have assumed that of me since my initial reply was harsh, but that's not what I meant. Nor what I think. I just think It's a bad idea that has the potential to go wrong if the student found out.

---------- Post added 7th Dec 2016 at 04:58 PM ----------

Hate hate hate not having an edit button. Ignore "the client" part of the third to last sentence. I messed up editing.

 

Sorry, Creativemind, but I think you're still overreaching the professor/student dynamic in a college setting when comparing it to a therapist/client relationship.

A therapist truly has to abide by ethics in their relationship with a patient because that patient is seeking mental health help, which could put them at greater risk of being manipulated while in a vulnerable state. That is a truly inappropriate power dynamic that would potentially be harmful.

This is, again, an apples and rocks comparison to a college professor and student. A professor has a responsibility to uphold a professional relationship with their student for personal purposes, like risking something within their career, but mostly for issues revolving around nepotism.

I don't even want to continue commenting on this post because the responses are so overt that I am actually quite shocked - but I'm truly worried that someone will come onto this forum, who may be in a similar position, grappling with their sexual orientation, and be vulnerable to believe the over-reactive comments in this thread and feel bad about themselves.

No, it's not a good idea to date a professor while you're still in college, especially if you're still in their class (that would be on the scale of unethical, again, because of nepotism), but I have definitely heard of people dating and marrying people who were once their professor. College is a work environment. It is not a babysitting institution that people are required to go to. It's a place where people teach other people things they pay to learn about. The comparisons you're making are really imbalanced to one another.

 

Well, I'm definitely not against dating a former teacher who is not currently a teacher. I just think It's a bad idea to get involved with someone you are currently teaching.

 

Favoritism*

 

It's no problem. I think there were a lot of misunderstandings here today. My initial ideal response was just to warn about the consequences but it got out of hand because of the words I chose. I wish I could go back, delete, and retype now with a clear head, but what's done is done. I think this thread has run It's course.