Help! In my 30s and I think I'm a lesbian, or bi?

So here it goes. My new attempt at figuring things out about myself after reading every forum and article on sexuality, coming out later in life, etc.

I'm in my early 30s. I live in a very progressive city, Toronto, and have had LGBT friends through out my life. For me it was never a big deal who others were sexually attracted to. If I liked a person, we would start a friendship. No judgements. Only pure love for all those who were courageous to come out in their early lives or later on. So what I'm trying to say is - I can't understand why I would suppress my feelings if I was always a lesbian. I know sexuality is fluid and in different parts of our lives we can be attracted to whomever. I also know it's the person you fall in love with not their gender. So again, wtf! Here's my story.. Someone help me!

A couple of months ago I met a girl that recently moved to my city. She was a mutual friend of my friend. She was cool when we first met and I loved her drive and confidence. Then we met a couple of times again with our friends, I got her number and told her we need to be friends. I'm one of those people that when I like a person I go for it. As friends I mean. Good friendships are hard to find. We met after that many times alone. I helped her figure things out around the city and to settle in. Then one night we were at her place and I had crazy butterflies and realized I'm staring at her. She would catch me and I thought oh shit, she knows. I forgot to mention that she's gay. And I'm in a serious relationship with a boyfriend I live with.

Back to my story... Intrigued by my feelings I saw her more. I just let myself feel without limiting myself. My boyfriend met her and thought she was cool. He saw how similar we both were.

Fast forward a week. I was at her place and had this crazy urge to kiss her. Couldn't get it out of my head. So I told her I think I like her. She said she was going to mention it too.bshe wasn't sure if I did. We talked for a while. She didn't want to kiss me when I told her I want to try. She'd been down that straight girl road and didn't want to get hurt. But somehow st the end of the night we did. It was sensual and hot. I left her place right after and was tingly all over.

Then we hung out more and eventually went quite far. I wanted to know if I can do sexual stuff with her and not be turned off. I totally wasn't. I'm a pro it seems. I love it and couldn't get enough. Meanwhile,the feeling of utter guilt was killing me inside. I love my boyfriend. He's the first man I've dated that I can see myself be with for a long time.nws share lots of common interests, he's an intellectual, he's not sexist, he's incredibly handsome and loves me to death. But we hardly have sex. I had brought it up to him as if it's his fault. But in reality I don't pursue it either. Not really turned on by male organs. But love cuddling and kissing (softly).

So a month after all these shenanigans, I decide I'm really into her and want to give it a shot. I had old forgotten memories return to me. Like how I used to kiss my neighbor when I was 11 and we'd be naked together in bed. How I had a massive crush on a girl in my school who was older. I like lesbian porn. It's the only one I can watch and get turned on by. I can't fantasize about men, even when I try I get lost in details like what would he be wearing instead of fantasizing about him doing things to me. I can fantasize about women in the most intimate and sexual way. I even as recently as last year had a crush on my lesbian coworker. She was just so sexy. But I see some guys and think damn he's sexy too.

I never kissed a woman in my adult life. I always thought I'm straight. I worked with a lot of lesbians in my professional career and never had any feelings. I even thought many times if I'm a lesbian and concluded I don't like women. Until her.

So I told my boyfriend that I have a crush on her and think I might be a lesbian repressing this so much that I never thought about it. We had a crazy few nights, arguing, crying and even talking about women we both think are beautiful. We still live together but I've broken it off. I didn't tell him about the physical nature of my relationship with her bc it's hurtful. We talk about it together and we are both sad. I love him so much but can't have we'd with him. We had sex one night and it was in anyone's standards amazing. I cried afterwards when he couldn't see me.

I told her about it. He's been supportive and has been nice about it all while still expressing his sadness and sometimes anger.

I saw her two nights ago after telling her I can't see her before that. I couldn't see her and be with him. Even if seeing her didn't entail any physical stuff. So when I saw her I had no emotions for her. We kissed and I couldn't feel anything. All the lust and love was gone. It was weird and I apologized to her for being so weird. We talked about it and decided to not do anything until I'm ready.

Now here I am, broken up with my bf but still living together (details are too long to explain why but at this time we have to for at least another couple of months). And I don't seem to have feelings for her anymore although I think of her all the time. What's happening to me? Was this all a phase (I don't believe in that) or am I just scared to leave him or maybe I moved so fast on it all that I'm overwhelmed. I mean in two months I had sex with a woman for the first time, told my partner about it, broke it off with him, started planning my life alone and single again. And voila... I'm confused! Help..

 

Thanks everyone for your kind and encouraging words. I think most are on the ball to say that I need more time to digest it all. I'm not one to label myself usually but in this case it's a matter of figuring out if I'm into both men and women.

I think Katchoo you have a great point that heterosexuality is normalized so we grow up thinking that's the only way to be. Frankly I grew up in an atheist home, was never told by my parents I will marry one day, nor was I treated like a girl. I grew up wearing my brothers hand me downs, played every sport, hung out mainly with boys in my neighbourhood playing with cars and G.I Joes. Even in my adult life I've never conformed to gender stereotypes. Been 'that' girl who all the time opposed everyday and systemic sexism. And I never wanted to get pregnant (although I love babies) nor to get married or have a wedding. I once went to a therapist who told me I'm just like a guy (that was the last time I saw her bc I realized how ignorant she was to gender norms). And despite all of this, the social hetero cisgender crap has seeped into my brain I guess as a child. Even after working in the feminist sector for a decade I feel like I'm still confronting those socially normalized assumptions about sexuality. Deep down I feel relieved to have experienced sex with a woman while also angry with myself for suppressing it.

No updates on my situation. Just taking all of your advice to take it easy and be true to myself. Great to be part of this forum. Y'all rock!