Ever since I was little I have noticed girls far more than I have boys. As a little kid, all of my best mates were male. We would play football,often they would tease me and we would have a laugh, and often I would disagree with them and get into fights.i pictured a future where I and some of my male mates would be gathered around a bar at the pub,drunk and delirious, doing hopelessly stupid things in a platonic show of lovin. Ever since I was little, I always thought to myself-wouldn't it just be better if I was male? Of course it would. I had no interest in fashion, makeup or ponies and the like that other girls liked at that time. My celebrity crushes were ( and still are) women. the idols pinned up on my walls were not of beautiful women I aspired to be like but were of eccentric older-men with moustaches that I wanted to be like someday.Also alot of these idols were also gay men, which doesn't make much sense. I have always been obsessed with moustaches in fact, and I used to stick fake moustaches to my face and cross dress when I was really little. meanwhile my relationship with girls was....confusing. girls were a enigma to me, and I was fascinated by their beauty and the ruthless dedication to social standing they showed. feelings started blossoming early on, and I always felt a warm, sunny, lightheaded feeling whenever Charlitte would talk to me and when I imagined my future life I imagined marrying a bride. I can remember once when I was ten or eleven, I was watching V for Vendetta for the first time. And when the story of the beautiful female couple played I just cried and cried and cried. having grown up now, the Magority of my freinds are quite nerdy and alternative chicks, although the male freinds I do have I find I identify with easier. Also of my female friends keeps on playing the gay bravado when I know for sure she doesn't know I think I might be gay and flirts with me on a day to day basis in a unserious way.I always feel a bit squirmy when I'm around her, and I never really know what to say when I am faced with her. Also I have felt attracted to her on multiple occasions and feel like I might be crushing, but of course, this could just be a fase. I of course, like many teenage girls, masturbate and when I do it is either to women or to gay men. the attraction to women for me is rather straightforward,and I feel it on both a emotional and sexual level. but it feels odd I feel attracted to gay men on the feminine side when they are being dominated by another gay man-I just really do not get why that feels sexually attractive to me. When I see boys who my freinds find conventionally 'hot' I feel nothing, other than a Weird sense of admiration. I just.....oh I don't know. This is all so confusing. I'm begining to feel rather depressed and anxious- I worry that if I come to some kind of conclusion it will be he wrong one, and that if I decide I am a lesbian, that will change after I come out to freinds and I will be permanently labelled in such a way.I massively support the gay community and would have no problem with being gay myself (I'm lucky enough to have family and freinds who are very supportive of the gay community) but I just want to be 100% sure. I'm one of those mechanical people who has been hurt too many times by others to make such a mistake and then be tortured for it for the rest of my life. peace out, my jelly snaps. (*hug*)
You don't have to give yourself a "permanent label" even if you do come out as not-straight. I understand the thing about not wanting to call yourself something now and then change it later--like you've made a mistake with yourself. (personally, I don't want to, say, come out as a lesbian and then discover a few years down the road that I'm not, and then have everyone say see, it was only a phase.) What if you temporarily labeled yourself as not-straight? Or just queer? Therefore you can go in any direction you choose with a less restrictive label if you feel like you are hitting boundaries. I'm also wondering, and i could be wrong, but do you think you're genderqueer at all? It sounded a bit like that to me, with the wishing you were a boy when you were little, and even the cross-dressing (although I guess i did that too sometimes and I'm not genderqueer). But that could be adding a component to the "giving yourself the wrong label" stressingness.
