Hello, so I'm a happily married man in my 50's. Until I was about 40 I was straight with no thoughts otherwise. Around this time my wife was diagnosed with progressive Multiple Sclerosis and our sex life pretty much stopped and our alcohol use increased as we tried to come to terms with the life changing condition. Then I had a very drunken sexual bi-curious experience with a gay friend, who I wasn't physically attracted to, but which still really excited me. The shock that I had been unfaithful to my wife put my solo sex life and sexuality exploration on ice for sometime. Thankfully my wife forgave me after a while. But gradually I began to fantasize about gay sex and discovered anal masturbation. I also began to cross dress as a woman at fancy dress parties and music festivals, my wife and sister in law initially dressing and making me up, which I found incredibly erotic. Feedback from others was that I was a very convincing woman. Women commented that I had quite long eye lashes and nice legs. Each time I got dressed up I took it more seriously and tried to improve my appearance and always got great feedback. By the time my wife required a wheelchair our sex life had completely ended, she had no interest in sex anymore. I had become her carer and I had accepted this life devoted to creating as good as life for her as possible. However I had began to realise that I really enjoyed cross dressing, but could only really do it prior to a party or festival, so I started dressing up secretly when my wife was asleep, as she needs to sleep quite a lot. I also started to have cyber sex with men and women on Second Life, my avatars being women. Here, I explored BDSM and found that I mostly preferred being a sub. In the last year things have got trickier as I have had strong secret thoughts about becoming a trans female and experimenting with a few months of estrogen to stop body hair growth and grow some small breasts. I have a strong urge to be penetrated. I now shave all my body hair all the time and I paint my toenails pink or red, (which my wife obviously knows about and is fine with). I want to be able to fully talk to my wife about the extent of my exploration but I don't want to stress her out so I'm currently taking a slow approach of changing my appearance so she gets used to this gradually. I now wear brighter colours, including more pink and I have had both ears pierced. After covid-19 lockdown I'm also planning to get a fairly feminine tattoo. My current personal insight into my sexuality is that I'm aware it changes frequently and so terms like gender fluid and non-binary make a lot of sense to me. Overall I see myself mostly as a sensitive feminine man who likes to crossdress. However as I flirt with the idea of being trans I do find that I like it more and more. Although I fantasize about gay sex I am probably 90% attracted to females. I have a very loving platonic relationship with my wife and am aware that cyber sex is cheating so sometimes I stop it but the urge keeps coming back. I think that was more than I was planning to share at the moment but it all came whooshing out, so what the hell, make of it what you will, it is what it is. Any comments and advice will be gratefully received. One bit of advice I'd particularly like is about coming out to my wife, something I know nothing about, should I or not, if so how to without hurting my wife or stressing her too much?
Welcome to EC, Nat. Regarding your wife and her condition, it sounds more like you're looking for an outlet which has lead you to experiment with different gender expressions. You say you like the idea of crossdressing, and that's fine, however it doesn't sound like there's an incongruence regarding your gender identity. Regardless of how society expects people to behave, Honestly, that's fine. Not all men are masculine, nor are all women feminine. Society expects people to abide by societal expectations (men = masculine; women = feminine), and for a lot of people that doesn't work. If you consider yourself a feminine man, you're still a man who has feminine traits or likes. If you are still questioning yourself, I would have recommended not to start any form of HRT, as it can be irreversible without surgery. Most people start experimenting with their gender identity by socially transitioning first, and see how they feel being perceived as their identified gender. If you think your wife will be supportive of you experimenting with female pronouns, names, or expression, that may be a good place to start to get an idea if this is something you're more comfortable with and move on to the next step. However, if you are questioning your gender, I recommend speaking with a therapist to help you sort out your thoughts.
Nat 15.....Hello and a great big welcome to Empty Closets! I agree with @Hawk concerning a therapist. Sometimes we face things that we just can not work out by ourselves. One of the best decisions that I've ever made was finding a therapist that works with the LGBTQ+ Family. He has helped me so very much over the last few years. I am a different person today because of Empty Closets and my therapist. Even friends that I am not out to have remarked at how much I've changed in the last few years (good changes! You might be able to find a counselor/therapist by contacting any LGBTQ+ support organization that's near to you. They may be able to give you pointers to a local therapist. Remember that you are a part of our LGBTQ+ Family and we do care! Please keep us updated on how this works out for you! .....David
