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Hello!! Later in Life attempting to come out. Advice always wanted!

Discussion in 'The Welcome Lounge' started by LezCee, Feb 11, 2019.

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Is 10 years a long enough time to spend questioning?

  1. Yes

    9 vote(s)
    69.2%

  2. No

    2 vote(s)
    15.4%

  3. Not Sure

    2 vote(s)
    15.4%
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  1. LezCee

    LezCee
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    Hello all! This is my FIRST ever time posting on ANY platform about my struggles....many of you already know this is NOT a road that should be taken alone so here I am...alone in my real world but looking for virtual help and community....

    So want to hear my cliche story......

    I am a married woman to a (guess.......GASP...) MAN, who has been married to a few men to try and "get this hetero marriage thing right" so says some of my friends. BUTTTTT as the cliche story goes....

    ....I am losing my attraction for him...WHY?!?!?!.....

    ...because after spending time with myself and asking the hard questions I think I just might be GAY.

    I just turned 30 last month and I do not know about you but when you are 30 it seems like you should have part of your life and yourself figured out....atleast your sexuality...

    welllll.....I thought so too....My family is quite racist in terms of color, sexual orientation, or well anything that is different from their beliefs. As I grew up I quickly realized this about my family and fought hard to "break the cycle" and not judge others the way everyone I lived with seemed to. However, being gay was NOT an option for my family. My male cousin came out as gay and the family harassed him and made him feel like crap....

    I am proud to say he is a fighter and out and proud and loving his fabulous life the way he should..

    Back to me...So for about 10 years (yes really 10 years) I have been in limbo questioning myself to see if I am in fact a gay as my desires. I have dated 3 women in these 10 years BUT ALWAYS GHOSTED THEM AFTER THE FIRST DATE OR KISS (which ever came first) because it was "too real" for me to face when I thought about a future and my family. I know it was wrong and one I even wrote a letter to with no return address just so she knew it was my own effed up drama and life and not hers.

    ....but here I am 10 years later with my 3rd marriage to a man under my belt and I cannot help but think WHAT AM I DOING?!?!?!

    I should also not I have 2 children from a previous relationship. (this may matter if you have specific advice regarding coming out and kids--they are 6 and 11)

    My current hubs and I have been going for 3 years and pressing harder than ever to keep it together. He had an affair the FIRST week we married and since that affair in 2016 I have been on a crippling but glorious path to re-self discovery where I have been shedding all my old preconceived notions passed down from family, partners, peers, and even some from the church.

    So where has that left me????

    ....it has left me feeling soooo confused. I have tried to bring up small desires I have for women to my hubs in hopes that I can begin to be open with him, even if it does cause the divorce that feels like we have been fighting for years.

    Let me say this I DO LOVE my hubs, I do but not like a husband I love him as my best friend...because that is what he was before and now. He knows me like no one else and has been there for me through a few tough transitions as my friend and then as a couple. His affair spilled so much into our marriage and I often find myself wishing I would have left the day he told me, But I really do not feel I would have spent the time I needed on myself to begin to really understand who I am or what I really want...so a bad thing made good is how I view it....


    ....ADVICE TIME!!! I have no gay friends who can help my get through this and and I forgot to mention I am very INTROVERTED. I do not have social anxiety and I am a people(ish) person but I am more low key than most.

    I need friends who understand and advice. So please if you can offer friendship or advice I will gladly take it.
     
    #1 LezCee, Feb 11, 2019
  2. StarChaser

    StarChaser
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    Welcome, hun!

    It is a difficult situation, I can understand and I am sorry for all this sorrow you are feeling.

    Did you talk to your husband about all of this? I mean, how much does he know about you?
     
    #2 StarChaser, Feb 11, 2019
  3. LezCee

    LezCee
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    My husband knows that I have been questioning my attraction to women for some time, but I have not been able to sit down and tell him I am in limbo about staying in our marriage or moving on to pursue my desires. I have tried...kinda, but it always seems that something more pressing is brought up by him that needs immediate attention and my questioning is just not talked about OR i freak out because I am afraid of uprooting my children (who are happy) and tossing them into a mess that even I do not understand yet and dealing with the backlash of family.
    He knows that I have dated and kissed and touched other women prior to him and he just thought it was "hot" which I found annoying, and at times when I try to open up it seems he thinks up some hot 3 way situation in his head that isn't realistic for what I really desire.
    We were just friends for YEARS before we hooked up or started dating so I would say he knows just about all there is to know except the deepest skeletons.
     
    #3 LezCee, Feb 11, 2019
  4. LezCee

    LezCee
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    ***also NOTE I have 2 children (from my original post...idk how to edit posts)
     
    #4 LezCee, Feb 11, 2019
  5. StarChaser

    StarChaser
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    He seems not to care about your feelings, am I right? I think that you deserve to be respected and listened by him because even if you may be gay, he is always your husband and you friend since a lot of years! Therefore, he should stay next to you trying to be as supportive and affectionate as he can. Talk about this to him. Explain that you need support. Then if you want, come back here and tell us what happened (in the coming out section)
     
    #5 StarChaser, Feb 12, 2019
  6. LezCee

    LezCee
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    It would seem that he can be insensitive to my deeper feelings yes.

    I appreciate the advice but I am not ready to just sit down and tell him all this. I need guidance and friends in the community for support. He is all I have so if I burn that bridge I would be walking alone and for this path....walking alone is not what I want to do. I read the stories of all the struggles people face on here and I can relate.

    I am confused myself most of the time and it is a daily battle so there is no way I can explain this to him when I can't even explain to myself.

    @StarChaser .... I would love to hear more about your story and journey. I see you are out to some people...how has that been...what has been the hardest and easiest...what is something that you could not have gone through the process without? and what is something you really wish you'd have had?
     
    #6 LezCee, Feb 12, 2019
  7. silverhalo

    silverhalo
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    Hey that's a tough situation. Have you looked to see if there are any support groups or anything in your area?
     
    #7 silverhalo, Feb 12, 2019
  8. LezCee

    LezCee
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    I have and sure there are some but none that fit me...which is why I am here.
    I am a busy business woman with a handful of kiddos at home so meeting up isn't something I can often do. Online works best for me,
     
    #8 LezCee, Feb 12, 2019
  9. silverhalo

    silverhalo
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    Well there is nothing wrong with online, I think I just misinterpreted you original post I thought you were looking to make some in life LGBT friends but online is good.
     
    #9 silverhalo, Feb 12, 2019
  10. cgrumms

    cgrumms
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    Well you can always just laugh through it like I did. *time for a dramatic retelling*

    Mom: So you excited for the pride parade this year?

    Me: Hell yeah!

    Mom: So your straight and just going because of solidarity, right?

    Me: Ha ha ha ha I'm bisexual ha ha ha ha

    Mom: Ok... wait what?

    *end*
     
    #10 cgrumms, Feb 12, 2019
  11. LezCee

    LezCee
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    Ahhh yess sorry about that..my ultimate goal is to be in the LGBT community in real life but I think here is better start for me to sort out my thoughts until I am ready. I think I would need to be more open with my spouse first and be honest and let him know I want to start to insert myself into a community that is more fitting to me, but then I would have to have the "talk" and mentally I am not just there yet!
     
    #11 LezCee, Feb 13, 2019
  12. LezCee

    LezCee
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    Did you really?? How did that go over? How old were your kids when you told them? were you married before? I would love to hear your story.
     
    #12 LezCee, Feb 13, 2019
  13. cgrumms

    cgrumms
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    Well, I've only come out to my mom and some of my close friends (which there are a lot of). I came out last year and my mom had known that I was showing interest in the community. Before then I had a secret online girlfriend and she was cool when she heard about that. I am 13 now but was only 12 or 11 at the time. But, true to my word, I quite literally laughed through it.
     
    #13 cgrumms, Feb 13, 2019
  14. Dionysios

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    Hello and Welcome! There are many LGBTQ people here. It's a warm and supportive community where you can be yourself. I am sure if you need encouragement and guidance, you came to the right place.

    You are a busy businesswoman and mother. You have been struggling with this issue of your sexuality for a long time. Given that, you may wish to consider having a heart to heart with your hubby. Perhaps it can be done in person or with a therapist. It must be difficult planning for the future when you are unsure of which direction to take. You have to weigh your needs and wishes with the welfare of your children. Your husband and you certainly has some issues (the affairs). Perhaps the marriage is salvageable? Perhaps it is not?

    If you have the talk with your hubby, listen to your heart when weighing what decision to make. It appears that something should be done. One can't stay parked in neutral forever. You don't want to go through the rest of your life with feelings of regret for having done nothing. Everyone deserves happiness. I hope you take the difficult steps to find yours! *smile*
     
    #14 Dionysios, Feb 13, 2019
  15. LezCee

    LezCee
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    Your message was so kind and motivating and true (so thank you)! I do need to have a heart to heart with him. I honestly feel I am not ready because I won't have any of the answers he is looking for and I want to atleast have some of the answers.

    I read some of your posts and I see that you are married but leaving that marriage....how did that heart to heart go? were there any questions that she asked you that you wished you would have thought more about before talking to her?

    I am not sure the marriage is salvageable, his affair is what started my self discovery process and we have been to counselors before for that to stay and make it work but it is our friendship and the kids are what keep us fighting. The unknown is so scary!

    Maybe I do not know what I am looking for and i am just making excuses to keep from talking to him so I do not have to deal with the aftermath....GAH! lol
     
    #15 LezCee, Feb 13, 2019
  16. Dionysios

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    I have to admit that it was a very difficult conversation. It took time for my wife to come to understand where I was. The first question out of her mouth was to ask if I wanted a divorce. I told her that I needed time to come to terms with what I was going through. I knew divorce was the only solution, but I didn't tell her that at the time because I didn't want to overwhelm her. When I first told her that I was attracted to men, she nursed the hope that I was bisexual and that the marriage could be saved. This lasted for about two weeks when I gently explained that I was gay in my heart of hearts and not bi. It was rather emotional for her to hear that. She and I both then confronted the issue of divorce. She was sweet and despite her pain, wanted me to be happy. The only question which I found awkward was when she asked if our marriage had been a fraud. I explained that it was not. I so tried to live the straight life and honestly tried to make the marriage a success. Yet after fighting it for three decades I finally accepted who and what my heart had been telling me all the time.

    Our separation is a slow process. We have up and down days. It is gradually becoming easier for us to imagine a future without each other. When we actually split, it may be tough again. But as I just told her at dinner tonight, we are going through a long tunnel of sadness and pain as our relationship changes from husband and wife to that of friends. And I promised that next year both her and I will be in a much better place. There is always light at the end of the tunnel! *Smile*
     
    #16 Dionysios, Feb 13, 2019
  17. StarChaser

    StarChaser
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    I guess my story cannot help you, since it is far different from yours, but I want to share it with you the same. I have always know I am gay and I came out to my family at 17 after years of bullying at school. It has been very painful, but now my family accepts me and I am trying to focus on my identity and ambitions without caring about prejudices and unjust attacks from homophobes and evil motherfuckers that should keep their mouth shut for their hypocrisy.
     
    #17 StarChaser, Feb 17, 2019
    Last edited: Feb 17, 2019
  18. Chip

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    It sounds like the biggest challenge is your husband's willingness to accept that you are gay. That is likely what is driving the response about wanting a three-way and so forth. It's coming from a place of fear. And that makes sense for a couple of reasons. As we come to terms with any loss (in this case, loss of perception of you as straight), we go through stages: denial-anger-bargaining-grief-acceptance. This is true both for you and your husband. So seeing it as 'hot' and wanting a three-way is basically denial: things can go on as they have always been, he doesn't have to think about it, feel the pain of the loss.

    Hetero men in particular often have problems with vulnerability (emotional openness), and often hide/avoid it by going with "safe" responses. So it's a lot easier to fantasize about a three-way than to consider he may lose his partner.

    You may have to help him get past the denial by more directly talking about it. And that may move it past the denial into anger, so be prepared that he may be upset, lash out, say mean things. Anger is safer than grief for most men. But with help and support, you should both be able to move the process of acceptance along.
     
    #18 Chip, Feb 17, 2019
  19. Poofter

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    This was me and my ex wife, and we are still friends today. She’s a great person.

    I come from the same kind of family you do and I struggled long and hard to try to be their definition of normal. Two marriages and 6 kids. There are three members of my family I haven’t told at this point and that’s because I’m not ready to lose them just yet but the time is coming soon.

    As to your situation. I dated some men between marriages and like you when things became too real I ghosted on them. (However I went quite farther than just a date or a kiss) but I know that was because I was still sorting through my mess at the time and now that I’m out and have dealt with my personal issues, I have never been happier.

    I think that if you know what you want in life you should go for it. But only you can decide what that is. The kids will love you no matter where you land. That’s the great thing about kids. Unless you built hate into them while raising them all they have is love.

    As for making friends in the community, I am still trying to figure that out but there are lots of great people here.
     
    #19 Poofter, Feb 17, 2019
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