Hello, I'm Nikinja.

Hello, I'm Nikinja. I guess I'll tell you a bit about my recent life...

So I realize fully now that I'm not gay. I like girls. A lot, actually. I thought I was at least bisexual for a long time, and I even came out to friends in eighth grade – because I got angry about something, they had no choice but to tell my parents, because my parents thought that my friends were spreading rumors about me. Overall, I’d say that just CASUALLY disclosing the fact that I was bisexual actually resulted in my departure from a group of friends I called mine from before elementary school.

When I describe realizing that I’m not gay, I feel like it is the end of an era for me. In February, I posted a status on my Facebook. I “came out”. As gay. And it was a grueling 20-30 minutes just getting myself to post it. I got a hundred and ten (yes, 110) likes for that status; all of them could have gone to a closeted gay teen who was too scared to do something like that. But I feel guilt and deceit from these past four years. But I don't know - simply, there’s always, even still, been something about the David-like male body that has always appealed to me. Though a little secret: I love androgyny. So yeah, I love mtf videos! [http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Td8zGh95iqA]

Admittedly, that's part of why I've been so confused though.

I’ve fallen in love and lust with guys before. I even fell in love with my best friend, and I had a relationship that turned out to have never been (he was straight, it seems. He never picked up on it.). But now, I worry that it has become a mere curiosity. I loved the love I had. But I must confess to myself and to those who care who I really am, if the only other choice is to fake a personality. I admire the LGBT community. But it seems to me that I can be little more than an ally. It is the best thing for me. Nonetheless, if a guy of my age were in fact to come into my life, and if he were able to bring me love and pleasure, I would be very happy.

And of course things can change again and again, and they do... I'm once again not that much into labels. As a matter of fact, to contradict slightly, I wasn't that fond of the whole "bisexual" label either. For most of sophomore year, up until the post, I was deliberately ambiguous and suggestive about my sexuality in very discrete ways. In fact, part of why I came out was because of these really cute guys stripping their pants off at a pep rally at my school, and because of my intent to be as sexually ambiguous as possible. Now, after all that repression of my heterosexuality, I'm slowly becoming comfortable again.

But anyway, yeah, that's me. So I've been reading through the forums a while; glad to join! I hope to see a reply though!

 

Thanks!