I am in desperate need of help. Please. I was in a gay basketball league and it finished a month ago. After liking a guy for 3 months, I finally asked him out once the league finished and he said yes. We went out, had a good time, and ended with a kiss. We didn’t text really until 3 days after the date and I asked what he thought of the date. He said, “I don’t know if I see you as a friend or boyfriend potential.” After that, I distanced myself and didn’t text him for a week figuring it would turn to nothing and he wasn't interested. He texts me a week later very generically asking how my weekend was. We talked a bit and no mention of plans was made until I asked him to hang out again 2 days later. We went on a second date and it, again, went well in my opinion. We made out at the end, but again, we didn’t text the day after (the date was last Thursday). We went to a teammate’s wedding this past weekend and stayed overnight with another friend in a place. I was hoping this weekend would make everything clear and it instead has made everything more blurry. We basically pretended all weekend like we weren’t a thing, which I do understand because I don’t think we really wanted people on the team knowing we had gone on dates. I am just getting such mixed signals though. We have fun together on dates, but barely text. When I am interested in someone, I am accustomed to talking to that person very often over text and we plan to meet up pretty frequently. Him and I have met up twice in the past month, don’t talk too often, and it is driving me nuts. I’m basically adhering to the dating game even though I never allow myself to do that… I guess I am trying to play it cool because I like him and I don’t want to scare him away. Right now, though, I’m just lost. I spend so much time thinking about it. What would you do if you were me? Do I ask him straight up about this? Is it too soon? Do I just not mention anything at all and let him make the next move? My problem with letting him reach out is if it’s like last time, he will do it a week later (and he didn’t even initiate plans. I did). I don’t want something where I’m meeting up with a guy once every two weeks and there is no progression. Please help me sift through this. I am wondering if he is just not that into me.
Yeah, not sure why you decided to do the whole play it cool thing. If it drives you crazy then stop doing it. Just be straight forward with your feelings. Text him about stuff, make other dates, etc. He was incredibly forward with you. He doesn't know if he wants to date you or not. If I were you I would have a conversation about whether or not he wants to find out. Maybe he isn't in a place that he can have a healthy relationship, and its better to know that now so you don't continue to invest time into something that will hurt you. I personally always be as direct as I can be. If someone can't handle me being forward then I know that won't change for me so long term that would be a problem.
It doesn't really seem to me like he is playing games. It seems like he's been pretty clear and you're friends. If that's not what you want you're going to have to speak up.
Thank you for the honest response. I have been assuming we aren't really friends because he has agreed to dates with me and such. But you're basically saying there is no indication he likes me, right?
I typically am very direct and kind of force it out of a guy. I guess since I do like him a lot, I have been trying to play if cool since I don't want to scare him away. But I definitely don't want something where there is so much ambiguity, so I guess I am better off just being myself and asking.
I can't help but think of Maya Angelou's quote: "When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time." He said he was unsure about his relationship to you, and then he went on two dates with limited interactions. Maybe he's unavailable or putting you on the back burner, but like others have said, you're better off talking to him rather than guessing. Likewise, ask yourself how much effort you want to put into pursuing him when you might be overlooking other potential dates.
Are you sure it's not you that's giving him mixed signals? My rule for dating was - if I was interested in the person, I'd call / message them the very next day after the date. That shows interest. I always thought that was a rule.
I agree with DRobs. I think you're both giving each other mixed signals, because neither of you wants to put yourself directly out there and say "So... where are we? Let's talk about what each of us want and expect." If it were me, I'd do that, and I'd append to it "And let's make a pact that we will be honest, rather than spare each other's feelings, because we have to get through this awkwardness if we're going to understand each other." You could take the first step in vulnerability by saying "I like you and I'd like for something to develop. If you want that, awesome. If you don't, I understand that too. And if it's somewhere in the middle, that's also fine... but I'd like to put it all out on the table."
Hi Chip and everyone else, thank you for the messages. I sent him a text last night laying it out there telling him I liked him and I needed to know if I was wasting my time. I mentioned how we were both being ambiguous and this is not my usual style. He responded nicely and said he thinks we are looking for different things out of a relationship and he doesn't see me the way I see him. I guess now comes the part where I have to start moving on Thank you everyone for the messages though... hopefully this is the first step in me getting over him (which I'm usually really bad at).
