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Having a hard time writing a coming out letter to my husband

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by Elle993, Feb 4, 2019.

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  1. Elle993

    Elle993
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    I do not necessarily plan on giving my husband the letter but am writing a letter as a way to help organize my thoughts so when I do tell him hopefully I can stay calm and actually articulate and say all that I want to say. Well putting everything in sentences is really hard. I have 3 small paragraphs and I can’t think of more to write... I know it’s about the quality but just not sure if I am touching on everything. Part of the difficulty might be coming from fear of what is to come once I say these words.

    Of course, I have googled sample coming out letters to spouse and not muvhbout there... there are tips such as write a letter :slight_smile: thanks... now what to write?

    What are some questions I should consider answering with my letter?

    So far I wrote about my change in sexuality. And started to address what this means for our marriage...at from my perspective.

    Any other tips or questions to consider?
     
    #1 Elle993, Feb 4, 2019
  2. Chiroptera

    Chiroptera
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    I have never been married, so consider that when reading my perspective.

    I think you should try to be honest in the letter, and that's the most important thing. You don't need to explain details, as these can be talked about later. In fact, maybe being short and brief is better (althought there isn't a rule about how to do this).

    Maybe a good idea should be to focus on a single question: What do you want to tell him about? If the answer is simply about your orientation, then you can focus on that. Just tell him how you are feeling about that. You don't need to write about any details if you don't want to.

    If you feel comfortable with it, feel free to post your letter here (or the main ideas - whatever you feel ok with sharing).

    If you don't want to share, that's ok too, of course. :slight_smile:

    In resume, in my point of view, trying to be short and brief will probably make it easier. I wouldn't worry too much about discussing details in the letter.
     
    #2 Chiroptera, Feb 4, 2019
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  3. Dionysios

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    It's fine to organize your thoughts, but I agree with Chirotera that keeping it short might be best. You neither want to overthink it nor do you don't want to write a long tome and then struggle trying to remember all the details.

    When I came out to my wife, it was rather brief and to the point. I told my wife I was attracted to men and had always been. A discussion ensued in which I shared some of my stories from my past which reflected this, how I struggled to be a good husband and father and why I chose to come out now. After we spoke about our current relationship and our future together.

    Just make it heartfelt and sincere. Please don't worry. I am sure that when the time comes, you will find just the right words. *smile*
     
    #3 Dionysios, Feb 4, 2019
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  4. Elle993

    Elle993
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    Good points - thank you. I feel like I will be short and to the point when i do finally tell him. I think I am trying to be thorough in writing clear thoughts to all the possible questions he might answer. For example I wrote some thoughts down to what I would say if he asks what I want to do with our marriage or when did I know... did I fall in love with him... I easily lose the ability to think and speak under stress so I’m trying to think of all possible questions to answer ahead of time so I am prepared. It’s also difficult to answer some of the questions I have thought of because I am scared to admit what I really want.
     
    #4 Elle993, Feb 4, 2019
  5. Dionysios

    Dionysios
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    That is perfectly natural. It's good that you are preparing for the questions that will invariably follow but one can't anticipate all of the questions. Just be be yourself and answer as truthfully as possible. If there is a question that you are uncertain how to answer, ask for more time. For instance, my wife asked during our conversation "Do you want a divorce?" I answered, truthfully, that I need time to think this all through. After two weeks of processing this through both her and I realized that divorce was the answer. Don't stress over the unknown my friend. Once this is all out to your spouse, listen to your heart and you will discover what you want and what you need. *smile*
     
    #5 Dionysios, Feb 4, 2019
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  6. Elle993

    Elle993
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    Very true... I can come up with all the different scenarios buts the only way to make movement is to actually have he conversation with him. I have a tendency to over prepare...partly as an excuse to avoid but it will happen. Thank you for your encouraging words. :slight_smile:
     
    #6 Elle993, Feb 4, 2019
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  7. quebec

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    Elle993.....There are sample coming out letters here on empty closets...check them out!

    COMING OUT LETTERS: Go to the Login page, but do not login. At the top, you will see some links. Click on "Resources". That will bring up a page with a box on the upper left. In that box, you will see a link to "Coming out letters". Click that and you are there! I wish you much good luck...you can and will make it!
    .....David :gay_pride_flag:
     
    #7 quebec, Feb 17, 2019
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