Had a Conversation with Wife on Friday

I told my wife just over a year ago. Her reaction was totally different to yours. She said that she knew something wasn't right with me for a very long time, and had suspected that I was gay. There have been buckets of tears since, and bouts of depression In reality I knew I was gay as a child but because of things that happened to me back then I have been living in denial until about 2 years ago. Unfortunately she is badly disabled and relies on me completely for me to look after her. Its put me in a really bad situation because I can't separate from her even if I wanted to, but I really want to have a loving relationship with a guy.

 

Lunch with your parents and the boys is something to be grateful for. an oasis in the desert. I hope it goes well. I'm sorry that it is going to badly for you. I really appreciate your sharing. It is a real eye-opener. It makes the closet seem like a warmer and friendlier place. but the die is cast for you. as you say, the only hope is that it just get over with. (*hug*)

 

Hi BMW,
You and your family have my sympathy. It truly is painful.

I told my son (age 11) that I am gay last October. This was before my wife and I decided to separate. I think that being open and honest with him has helped everyone in that we can talk openly about what is happening and why. We are all getting the help we need, each seeing our own therapists, and are able to talk with close friends. One dimension in sharing it with my son is that he does tell some of his friends and their parents. I am not fully able to be out- so I gasp a little each time he does this. But so far, it has only helped because these families have been understanding and supportive. And I am glad that he has friends he can share with as he goes through it all. It is such a lonely, and isolating experience at times for all of us. Having a wider support network is essential.

It sounds like things are rough between you and your wife. Do what you can to take care of yourself, but I also hope you will understand where your wife is coming from. She is in a lot of pain. If you show care for her during this, even in the midst of her anger, it may help your children transition. As you said, this is not anyone's fault. You are accepting reality- and the reality is that your relationship with your wife is unequally yoked, and no matter how hard you have tried to make it work- that part will not change.

I wish you well.

 

Its rather mean of your wife to say its your fault. You didn't choose your sexuality, you were born with it. If its anybodies fault then its societies for apply pressure on you as a kid to conform to its twisted ideals and to spend so much of your life living a lie.
Jim

 

I think you should tell him. He's old enough to know and understand, and he already KNOWS something else is up and that he's essentially being lied to. Keeping it from in any longer than necessary will only hurt him more when he does learn the truth. He may even feel betrayed that it was kept from him when he asked repeatedly and directly for it.

 

Tell him that you no longer feel affection for his mother any more, and she deserves someone who is strongly in love with her, but that doesn't mean that she and you aren't going to care for your kids just as you always have. They will have two different homes to visit and stay at, like people who have a city home and a vacation home they can go to on weekends, so they will always have a place for their things, a different place to go to, and someone to take care of them wherever they are. You can introduce them to a future partner later, after things have settled down and they are older and better able to understand you and your partner.

 

BMW, so much of this is similar to the situation I found myself in. I have two kids slightly younger than yours and they were my primary concern, very closely followed by my wife state of mental and physical wellbeing. It's a horrendous conversation to have, my wife reacted pretty much the way yours did (and countless others have). I know that you will wish that you had found 'the right time' but tbh my conversation 'just happened' and I couldn't stop it happening at the time it did. That's almost a year and a half now since I told her. There was shouting and screaming, tears and guilt and accusations that I'd lived a married life as a lie, that I'd only got married to have kids, that she'd never get over it that she had a broken heart, and every single one of these things felt like a knife being twisted in me. The guilt was just overwhelming. Moving out and getting my own place - once I admitted to myself that there was no real way the gay thing was going to go away now and that all I could do was support everyone as best as I could not living with them. I've tried hard every day to be there for all of them, visit most days, support her, support my kids, play an active part in their lives and show her that although I'm not with her I am still there for her when she struggles with life. She is my best friend that I still confide in and she with me, but the sexual desire isn't there now and I realise that being with a guy is what makes me feel complete.

During vacation time we spend time as a family together, we eat at each others homes regularly, and she met my bf recently too.

I'm not saying that the road is easy - sometimes it feels impassable - but stick to the values you have. Be there for them - she'll be terrified that her world she thought was secure is just being ripped apart and the effect it'll have on two teenage boys. I just keep coming back to my own watchword: integrity. If what you do is with integrity (both for yourself and your family though - don't forget yourself in all of this. It's so easy to beat yourself up every day for it) and consistently with integrity, I've found that allows that which is destroyed to be re-built in part. The trust between us has changed - she still relies on me and trusts me, but there's always a part of her that will always doubt me.

I totally agree with awt - it's what you do that matters. Say it, yeah, but if I promise something I have to follow through on it. I owe my family that much in all of this, and way more given the relationship I still have with my kids and ex which is way more than many guys in a similar position have.

---------- Post added 16th Apr 2015 at 05:50 PM ----------

I told my eldest (9) the truth after we had both told them that I was moving into a place of my own. I explained to them that sometimes people change and don't want to be married anymore, just to be friends and that I wanted to just be friends with mummy. My youngest (6) seemed delighted that he'd have a second home... The eldest broke down. I made promises to them both about what I would do and how things would be. That's over a year ago now and I've not broken any of them and sacrifice my own happiness at times to make sure I don't.

I've since told my eldest that I'm gay. He took it in his stride and gave me an explanation of what 'gay' was. He just gave me a hug and told me that it didn't matter to him, that I was his dad and that he loved me. I could feel my heart breaking at this little man giving his dad a hug and telling him it'd be okay. They've both since met my bf a few times and get on with him. My eldest I suspect knows that he's more than just my friend, but that'll come in time and given they all get on really well I don't think it will be a major difficulty.

The main reason for telling him was that I didn't want him learning from friends at school, or from parents of his friends who would undoubtedly learn of my separation and ultimately why. I figured that he needed to know that it was okay to be yourself, that I didn't want him to feel at any point in his life that he needed to be something or someone he wasn't which, with hindsight, was something I had done for over 25 years.

 

I am the original poster but couldn't figure out my login or get the password to reset -- nonetheless, I felt compelled to post.

I am divorced. Mediation worked. Yes, PeteNJ, I did hire the top divorce lawyer in the state, paid a fortune but am very pleased with the outcome. She knew the lawyer and her response to me when I told her was "I wanted him". The divorce was and will continue to be for several years the most expensive thing I will ever do. The ex-wife and I don't talk except for the occassional text or email about the kids that we now share custody of -- week on, week off. But.....

This my message to those who are still in the closet, still in a unhappy marriage. Simply, this is the best move I have ever made. I am happy, I am free, I am in love. Everyone who is important to me knows but I did not have a coming out party -- I was just all of the sudden out without apology. I did actually say the words to a few people just to make it clear but after that it was just known or figured out. Everyone has been respectful and supportive, no negative reactions to me. My only regret is that I did not do this years ago -- the process was emotionally draining and painful but I would not change the outcome. In all the posts I read on here before this all unfolded, I really never even considered that the outcome would be so freeing, so much better, and that I would be so much happier. So, having now gone through the process, I felt compelled to share. It does get better, way better. Good luck to all of you who are still struggling.

 

My husband and I are going through something similar right now. I have realized that I want to be with a woman. He has known since we were dating over 20 years ago that I can have feelings for women, but now I feel more strongly that I need to act.

It's been a month, I am going to talk to an attorney and see if I can draw up some paperwork for some kind to legal separation. It is tricky in my state. Then our plan is to cohabitate for awhile and I may buy a house on my own.

I am sorry she expresses anger, and I know it is hard to endure hurtful comments, but if you can let her vent and rage a bit, she sounds like a person who loves you and will come around. If you two can end up with a amicable relationship it will be SO much better. I think in the long run it will be worth the difficulty now. I hope this is true for your relationship as well as my own.

Good luck! I will keep my eye out for more posts from you
((HUGS)))

 

hang in there. Try and do separate activities while still on your vacation. Actually should be easier at a resort with stuff to do than at home.

Take both boys one day and send her to the spa. Consider the money as part of the divorce. Let them treat her like a queen so you don't have to.

 

Hey BMW/newlife...welcome back, and thanks for the update! It's always amazing to hear about success stories (even if they are expensive success stories)!

So happy for you that you did what needed to be done to let yourself be happy (and to let your wife have a chance at her own happiness). I hope you stick around, so you can share your experience and perspective with others who are in similar positions (there are quite a few...always). *hugs*

 

Bmw/newlife1 - thank you. I'm going to try and adopt your "don't give a f*ck" attitude with my coming out. I don't have an ex-wife or kids so hoping it won't be so complicated. Just added a profile pic on a dating app so hoping to meet some more dudes like me... Thanks for the update. I've sat back listening to too many other people for long enough. My time to shine is now..!

 

I would tell my son if I were you. It will help normalize things and your wife won't be able to claim it's your fault like you are a bad guy or something.

 

This is true. I told them back in May. My kids have been great. Everyone needs to talk to the kids personally -- don't leave that up to someone else. For them its just not as big a deal as you might expect when you tell them (at least in my case). But I have seen where they were told by the spouse or someone else in a very negative way and it causes big time damage -- kids are the the most important ones to tell YOURSELF. Mine had a small breakdown for a couple days but it is a non-issue now. I do try and protect them from the world too though and it can be a cruel world if you are a kid. They just need to be allowed to be kids and have parents who love them -- the rest of the drama is for the adults.

 

I came from a broken family. My father left us for another woman. Thinking about the pain we've been through because of that, I find it WAY MORE accepting that my father is gay and loves us than abandoning us for another family.

Honestly, if I was your son, I would totally cry too but not because I hate you but because I would have imagined the struggle you've had. So, if your kids are at the age where they can already understand what's happening, I don't think they'll hate you. I, for one, would be supportive of both my parents. One, for my mother, who might have crushed because of this, Two, for my father who might have been scared to wits by this revelation. I would hug you for hours just to ensure that my love for you never changed.

Goodluck!