Growing up in doubt, and having questions about what to do now

Hello! I have been internally debating about joining this forum and making a post here for a little over three weeks now, and decided today that I might as well. This might be a bit to read through (if I know myself right) and I apologize in advance if something is unclear, grammatically incorrect etc.; English is not my native language I'm afraid. If you do not have the time to read all of it, then please do jump to the last part of this post since I need some advice.

_____________________

I have been seriously questioning my gender identity (AFAB btw) for about half a year now - and when I say seriously, I mean actively thinking about it, searching up information about trans people and transitioning and everything connecting to it pretty much. Before that, the thought have crossed my mind several times throughout the years after first hearing about trans men and women, but never to this extent.

I used to play that I was a boy a lot growing up. Always pretending to be the male characters in shows and movies when playing with friends, rarely ever feeling much connection to female characters or "girly" things in media. I just had stuffed animals and neutral toys for the most part, rarely femininely targeted toys like dolls (and the girly few I had were animals from shows). Not much of a pink person-kid, didn't dress in dresses that often and hung around both girls and boys during school and free time. But besides that, you wouldn't exactly call me boy-ish or similar. I was just a less girly girl.

That sort of started to change during puberty however, and it was around that time that gender stereotypes and roles became a lot more obvious to me, who had previously not really given any real thought to it. Suddenly, I was supposed to be more feminine, and the boys no longer wanted to spend much time with me. It was a very confusing time, and in typical teen girl-dramas that popped up I started to feel… well, shit? I was uncomfortable with myself, not necessarily my body changes (which at the time weren't that obvious, it took me some years), but rather the whole segregation between people I used to be close to that suddenly didn't want to spend time with me (because I was a girl and it was weird for boys, apparently) - and just teenage in general approaching like a "full steam ahead"-locomotive.

During my young teenage (13-15), I felt horrible. I had never really been insecure about my body before that, and like most people that age it took a toll on my mental health. I felt something was off, and that I didn't quite fit in with the other girls my age. Growing up in an era where scene/emo/punk/rock/whatever you kids call it-music took the world by storm, I cut my hair and dyed it black, wore dark clothes and spikes, and had some sort of satisfaction in this even though it still did not make me feel particularly good about myself. Even then, I kept looking at myself in the mirror and thinking I looked "too childish" or "too round". I looked at pictures of boys and their angular shapes, wishing I was more androgyne so I could make myself look more boy-like.

During that time, I came across the word transgender. It was on some obscure american tv-show (and I am honestly not sure if they painted it in a good/bad way? I don't remember much, apart from a cowboy hat), but it stayed in the back of my head because 10+ years later I still remember it. It was also a time where I frequently role played on a site, having a great time making up characters and writing little adventures with people online and friends. 80-90% of the time I made male characters, because I found them the easiest to write as and identify with, but I didn't give it much thought. I also made a secret account on that site, calling myself Alexander and identifying as male - however I deleted that account after about a month due to feeling like I was lying to people and being fake, and I felt ashamed of it.

College (or I guess the Swedish equivalent of it) was better than high school, but I still struggled with whom I was and wanted to be. I cut my hair even shorter, buying a few shirts from the mens department (I do believe that's what it's called? Please correct me if I'm wrong) and trying to move away even further from my feminine side. But this is when I really started feeling dysphoric about myself, absolutely hating my body but not quite understanding why. I had never been over or underweight, and people generally said that I was rather attractive - but I just couldn't see why. Every time I saw myself in the mirror, I saw things I wanted to change. I didn't like the way my jawline looked, or my nose (which is very round, like a little potato-orb of a tip), and my bust and hips where awful. Before then, I had thought that I would appreciate myself more if I just looked more feminine, like getting wide hips and bigger breasts - but I now started realizing that I didn't want breasts at all, that was the problem. I tried binding for the first time (after seeing some cosplayers do it when dressing as male characters), but only in secret and for short periods of time, knowing that it might not be the best thing to do and could actually harm me. I started fantasizing about what my life would have looked like being born as male, or transitioning into a man, daydreaming constantly about being one. I even wished and made up scenarios (and I feel so ashamed about these thoughts, having a loved one passing away due to cancer) that I would get breast cancer and have "a good reason" to remove my breasts, or get in an accident and screw up my nose so badly that they would have to rebuild it, so that it could look less round and childish. Then I got scared, and hid away all thoughts of it - for a few years.

2016 or so, I bought a magazine which had an article about a trans man in it. Then I saw a danish documentary about trans men on tv. I went back to these thoughts again, having a better understanding about it all, and allowed myself to ponder about it for a few weeks. Then I threw away the magazine, trying to continue life "the easy way" and not think about it.

2017-2018 these thoughts came back again after trying to pose more feminine, feeling like absolute shit after getting a comment from a classmate that I was being "too blunt and boy-ish" in my personality. I was starting to get greatly confused about who I was, what I wanted and everything. But I also meet a classmate (cis male) defying gender norms by dressing in skirts and dresses, becoming more and more comfortable in it and letting his hair grow out, trying on lipstick etc.. - and it sort of made me realize how scared I was of everyone's opinion about me. I didn't want to upset anyone and wanted everyone to like me, and the thought of being trans was terrifying because I kept thinking "what if people didn't like me then?". In between this inner turmoil of emotions and thoughts, I had to participate in a dance number that we put up and "act sexy, be confident like a lady" - and I have never felt more insecure and disgusted being me.

I could probably keep going but this post is long enough, so let me round up.
Thank you very much for reading all the way to here, I appreciate it <3
_____________________


I've befriended some lovely trans/non-binary people these last two years, who are the most supportive and wonderful friends - and some weeks ago I told them about my feelings. They were super nice about it, and suggested that I would take some time for myself to figure things out, try out pronouns and such and search up more info. I still get these thoughts of doubts or faking it from time to time, but generally - the majority of the time, I feel like I would be happier as a man. I would prefer looking more like a man, sounding more like a man. I've started buying more mens clothes and wearing them (so far my relatives haven't reacted, but it's not that big of a change honestly since I've had periods of dressing like this from time to time), I recently cut my hair short and nice again - and as much as I hate this pandemic, I do enjoy wearing a mask as it makes it easier for me to pass and I feel less insecure out in public.

I haven't told my family (currently living with my mom and brother due to financial problems), but they are rather supportive of the LGBTQ+ community, especially mom, so it's not for safety reasons but rather my own insecurities and fears. I have told two friends outside of the group I mentioned earlier about my thoughts and feelings regarding all this, one of them taking it very well (as expected), but my childhood friend being a lot more reluctant about it I feel (almost to the point of hurting me, saying that she knows it's about me and not her, but it made her go into panic mode and feel like it wasn't right at all. Not sure what to feel about that to be honest since I expected her to be way more accepting - it didn't come out of the blue, I had expressed these thoughts on a smaller level with her before).

But I haven't told my therapist about it yet - even though I've been thinking about it, but I just can't make myself do it. The current situation is restraining it also, because I cannot see her at the moment due to new safety rules and only emergency meetings are accepted. That means I can only contact her though mail or phone (and phone I absolutely hate, due to past trauma and living at home where people can hear me). There is a hospital in our neighboring county/län that works with trans questions, having therapists to help you figure things out and hormone treatments and such, which I am very thankful for since it's not far away. But they only accept phone calls during a very brief time of a specific day of the week, and no other way to contact them. I don't know if I should talk to my therapist first and see if she could help me get in contact with them, or if I should try and call them first? I really want to properly explore my feelings and self identity as soon as possible, because it is kind of eating me up from the inside, but I am also so scared of actually making the move. So I am not quite sure what to do next?