Hello, um I don't really know how to start this haha. I found this place in some news article so that's how I got here. I thought I'd check it out and maybe make some friends. My name's Karmen and I'm 16 and I guess I'll talk about myself a bit. I like to read a lot and I also like video games, music, movies, and tv-series. My favourite book series is lord of the rings and my favourite band is queen. I really like plants and I want to become a botanist some day. Oh god, that sounds like the most monotone piece of text I have ever written but I really don't know how to do this ahaha... Okay so maybe a little bit about my sexuality? I live in Estonia, a country which was in the soviet union so people here (mostly people in the age range of 30-80+) tend to be quite homophobic from what I've seen. So obviously I grew up with surrounded by the belief that being gay is a horrible and unnatural thing. That's where our beloved friend, internalized homophobia, comes to play. I've always known that something was different about me but when I was younger I couldn't really pinpoint what it was. When I was around the age 10-11 I started getting crushes on girls but whenever I thought about it, I immediately repressed the thought with a "Shut up, Karmen, you're not a lesbian! Stop thinking about gross things like that!". So when my friends would ask me if I had a crush on anyone I would just pick the most normal guy in the class and be like "Oh yeah, I totally like Mark!". Now onto sixth grade when I was 12 and 13. This was kind of the darkest time for me in terms of sexuality. First of all, I had a huge repressed crush on my then best friend, and second, one of my friends came out to me and I kind of went crazy. So first, about the best friend. She was kind of boy-crazy and kept talking about crushes and how she wants a boyfriend so I naturally freaked the fuck out because when I said I didn't have a crush she would judge me and say think that's weird. So again, I picked a guy from our class who was the most normal and "had a crush" on him. My best friend started trying to push us together every minute she could so I just started forcing the crush on myself until at some point I actually believed that I really liked that guy. Okay so now about the friend that came out to me because it will tie into the story here. So my friend came out to me and the best friend and that's how I found out my best friend was homophobic because she was disgusted by it. I really didn't know how to react, I was so torn that I ended up ignoring the friend who came out to me, for a week or two. I was really scared and so insecure that I ended up acting like a douchebag to a friend that needed me. I'm still mad at myself for that. So that was also the reason why I forced myself to like that guy because I found out that my best friend was homophobic. In seventh grade, I finally started accepting myself more but I was still repressing things due to my dad being homophobic. So I came out as bi to some of my friends. I was just really hoping that I'm not a lesbian and that I at least like guys too because I was terrified of the thought of maybe one day having to come out to my dad. I thought that if I was bi I could avoid having relationships with girls or something. Idk it was really stupid but I kept forcing it on myself until one night I just couldn't take it anymore and I just started crying and sobbing because I finally realized that I'm a lesbian and I can't change that no matter how hard I hope or wish. Last year I came out to my dad and he said that I'm too young to know, but just a week ago he said that he will accept me if that's truly who I am. My mum was supportive from the beginning and so were most of my friends. So the story here is that the person it was the hardest to come out to was myself. But I have accepted it and have realized that there is nothing wrong with who I am and I shouldn't try to change it just because some people might not like it.
