I am a married bi male now in my late 50s. My coming out to myself and select others has been a long journey into self-acceptance from confusing feelings and attractions in adolescence through two decades of denial and guilt followed by honest conversations with my wife over many years that finally led to being at peace with myself. I am out to my children and their partners, plus a handful of others who are either close and trusted friends or to whom I reveal my sexuality because it is somehow germane to the conversation. My wife and I went through a long period of “Am I or am I not?” and “What does it matter if we’re in a monogamous relationship?” and “Do we really need to label it” before finally figuring out that I am, it matters because sexuality is a lens through which we experience the world, and yes, the label is like a pin on a map for me marking who I am and where I’m from. Our conversations were ultimately freeing for both of us, taking us into new realms of intimacy and trust, with each of us discovering new ways to accept, support, and play together (this whole process brought her out of a somewhat different closet we weren’t even aware existed). In any event, I have been looking for an online forum mostly to have conversations with others like me… or not like me… who are still working things out.
Welcome! If you read my profile and posts, you may notice we have much in common. I am really hoping that you will share and interact often. Please feel to engage me .
Autrecote…..Hello and a big LGBTQIA+ welcome to Empty Closets! I can remember the first post that I made on EC. I was desperate for help and I got the help that night that I so needed. I hope that we can help you in the same way that I received help. The most important thing to remember about Empty Closets is that we do care about you! We're very glad that you found us here on EC and hope that we can answer questions, give you support and provide a place to vent (as long as it's not violent! ) when that becomes necessary! This is a safe community of loving, caring and very supportive people and we will do our best to help you blend into the community. *****There are quite a few of us here on EC that have stories similar to yours. So many of us who were young in the 60's, 70's, 80's, etc. were too afraid to let anyone know that we had any kind of same-sex attraction...me included. So we went along with what society dictated, married, had kids, etc. Then as we grew older there came a time when we just could not ignore it any longer. My story is a little more complicated as I was out for about four years in college and then turned my back on my sexuality at the death of my boyfriend/lover/soulmate. It's a long story that I can direct you too if you wish. I went through years of guilt, shame and self-hate until at the age of 64 I came out here on Empty Closets. My life has been ever so much better after accepting myself. With the help of the wonderful people here on EC and an outstanding therapist I have been able to come out to my wife and some of my sons. I really do hope that we can help you as much as Empty Closets has helped me! *****There are 18 different sub-forums here that you can check out, join in the conversations or start your own thread/conversation. When I first joined Empty Closets I was in need of a lot of support and encouragement and I found it here…EC is a safe place. I hope that you'll find good things here too! Folks here will talk to you and share...you don't have to be afraid of asking questions...we're glad to have you! Empty Closets is all about making connections and giving LGBTQ folks a voice when they otherwise don't have one in their day-to-day lives. *****In particular you may want to check out the forums that are titled "Sexual Orientation” and "LBGT Later in Life", there are people there who may have dealt with some of the same kind of issues that could be challenging you. Some info on how to navigate EC: When you have made at least 10 posts on various threads you will be able to post messages on a member's Profile Page. Just click on a member's Avatar Picture and then click on "Profile Page" in the dialogue box that pops up. You'll then be on their Profile Page and there will be a box that says: "Write Something”. When you have been on EC for a few weeks and have made at least 50 posts on various forums, you can apply for Full Membership. Only A Full Member can send Private Messages (PM) and then only to other Full Members and share personal contact info. Right now you can only send a PM to a Staff Member as that is always possible. Here is a quote from the Full Membership information forum: *****To be eligible you must be a member of Empty Closets for a minimum of two weeks, and have a minimum of 50 posts. These posts must be across numerous forums (Fun & Games does not contribute to post count), and consistently posted across a minimum of two weeks. You wouldn't be eligible, for example, if you registered, had no activity for two weeks, and then returned to post 50 times on your 14th day of membership. *****Well, as I said, we're very glad you found us! If you have any questions at all, you can send me a Private Message as you can always send a staff member a Private Message. …..David
I agree: it appears we have much in common. It is actually really good to know there is another married, monogamous, Midwestern, bi guy in the forum right out of the gate. We are so hard to find in real life! I appreciate you reaching out and look forward to more conversation.
Welcome. You will find there are people here in many different situations that you can learn from and discuss things openly with. My situation is that I am married to a great guy but have been keeping a secret from him. I have known I was a lesbian since I was 16. At the time I met him I thought that I could keep it on the back burner indefinitely but now I know I can't. I have not worked out my problem yet but have found many people here, men and women, that have problems I can relate to.
Thank you very much. I know all too well about holding onto a secret. In my case, that was cause for a lot of nagging dissatisfaction with life even when by all rights i should have been happy. I grew up in a social environment in which being anything off-label did not feel safe, so I suppressed a whole lot of thoughts and feelings or, because I was also attracted to women, just chalked them up as indiscriminate curiosities of an adolescent male that we never, under any circumstances, discuss. In my 20s and 30s, in the face of desires that would not go away, I carried a lot of shame and tried all the more to just set them aside. In time, for my own sense of well-being and identity, I started to accept the fullness of my sexuality and wanted, more than anything, for someone to know who I was (h/t to the Goo Goo Dolls). I am lucky to have a partner in my wife who was willing to walk that road with me. I wish you all the best as you figure things out with your husband.
I obviously have a lot of problems to sort out. My experience is similar to yours in a lot of ways. I spent many years "in the closet", and oddly, that didn't seem to cause me much angst. I was busy doing things that hetros do, I dated, experimented with sex, etc. All the time I thought one day I would somehow have a girlfriend but never worried about it. Since I came out of the closet I have had a lot of depression and that is why I am on here, trying to sort things out. I know what you mean about being dissatisfied even when I should be happy - and that makes me question myself and feel guilty about what I want. I honestly don't know if my husband will accept it or not, sometimes I just feel like blurting it out to him and maybe someday it will happen that way. For right now, I can tell you that I was happier when I was in the closet, and I know there's something wrong about that, but I am trying to find people to talk things out with.
I keep thinking how rare it is to come across other married, monogamous bi men and yet it keeps happening on this forum. Perhaps it's less uncommon than I thought?
I think it must be very common - they just aren't talking about it or acting on it. On here people are saying and showing what they really think, in public, or even to close friends and relatives, they are not.
