So, to give some context I will try and explain the history between my ex and me as briefly as possible. I am currently 20 years old and identify as a lesbian. I will refer to my ex as Rachel. In grade nine I met Rachel when I moved to a new school, we were 14 years old. I instantly had a crush on her and was extremely intrigued as to whether she too, was also gay. Although I had not come out at the time and was deeply closeted, I was aware of my feelings for her. She was a trouble maker and ended up getting expelled a few months after I had moved to her school. Fast forward three years and it's the final year of high-school. I had a girlfriend and had just experienced the thrill of coming out as gay. Now, Rachel and I started to become friends as we had a mutual friend in common who introduced me into their friendship group. I had always admired and looked up to Rachel as she came out at such a young age and she began to help me feel comfortable with my identity. As time went on, Rachel and I grew intense feelings for each other. However... we both had girlfriends. All of a sudden we were hanging out every single day and couldn't spend any time apart. Her girlfriend was crazy, and so was mine and we bonded over this. Shortly after, I ended things with my girlfriend following Rachel's advice that she was manipulative, etc. However, Rachel stayed in her relationship. One night Rachel and I sat in a parked car and confessed our feelings for each other. I could tell hers were much stronger and she continued to pursue me whilst in a relationship (telling me how she would dream of me, flirting with me, etc.) Things began to get very complicated, her ex would abuse me, send me nasty messages and ultimately tried to force Rachel to stop being friends with me. This went on for months and months. Then one day we decided to write each other letters, she expressed that whilst she had feelings for me she did love her girlfriend and was going to try and make their relationship work. It was messy but I understood and we remained friends. I was living my life, messing around with other girls and experimenting. Then we graduated from school and Rachel and her girlfriend broke up finally. However, they went on a holiday (along with their other friends) to Europe for 3 months. Rachel and I had stopped talking months prior however she contacted me whilst in Europe and we began talking every single day again. And as soon as she got back from Europe we began hanging out. I had no feelings for her at this stage and had moved on. But things moved quickly and we found ourselves drunk, hooking up. Fast forward some more time and we were dating. Our relationship lasted for two years and we had been friends two years prior. It was the warmest and kindest love. We were both so madly in love with each other and it was always mutual. We were truly best friends and we felt so comfortable and happy with one another. Her ex was crazy however and I could see that Rachel had many insecurities which she carried from her past relationship. But nevertheless, we both admitted that we had found our soulmate. TWO YEARS of being together. We talked about marriage, moving out together, promise rings, etc. It was very serious, she was apart of my family and my parents and siblings adored her. BUT, Rachel broke up with me a week ago... Towards the end of the relationship we fought quite a bit, however, I never ever saw this coming to an end. Now, Rachel is an only child and lives with her mother. She has had a lot going on, her friend recently committed suicide and her grandfather is dying. She spends every day at work and then takes care of her grandfather (showers him, wipe his bum, the whole lot). Her mental health is not doing so well as a result of all this. Towards the end of the relationship, I did have my doubts and questioned how strong we were. I tried to break up with her a few weeks ago and she insisted that she wanted to keep trying and that our love was too special to let go of. However, the main issue in this all is that Rachel has never not been in a relationship since the age of 16. So as you can imagine with all of her issues going on, she felt as though she never had time to grow as a person on her own and she felt very lost and confused... So a week ago she broke up with me after a fight outside of our friend's house. It was sudden, irrational and out of the blue. Being an idiot, I got an uber to her house at 3am and begged her not to end things and she was very stern and said that she needed to do this for herself, but it ended rather coldly and weird. She then dropped me to my friends house in the morning as I balled my eyes out. I have been a complete and utter mess, I feel as though my world has been turned upside down. Before she ended things she would tell me how much she loved me every day and the romance was still well and alive. I felt her love and she felt mine. Here is a text she sent me THREE DAYS before dumping me: 'I just wanted to say that right now I feel like I'm really struggling with life in general and I just started crying last night out of nowhere. But what made me feel so much better was you and your comfort. So thank you for making me feel better and always being there you know. You're so special and sometimes I take you for granted. So thanks, I love you and I really miss you'. I believe she has dumped me because she thinks that she needs to be alone and that a relationship is not healthy for her... even though we had a perfectly fine relationship. We never controlled each other and she always thanked me for being so open-minded etc. I am in shock because I felt her love for me moments before she ended things. I think it was irrational and she is trying to be super strong about it. She told my sister she still loves me more than anything but that she can't juggle a relationship right now. We didn't speak for a few days after the break-up and then she texted me saying that she didn't like how things had ended and that she wants to speak. I replied maturely saying that I am not ready at the moment and that I will let her know when I am. She then replied with a long message saying she wishes she could take my pain away and that she didn't intend for this to happen the way it did etc. Heres the ISSUE. We have a 3 week holiday booked for Japan in less than a month. In that same text I mentioned above she said she wants to still go but as friends... I haven't replied to the text in 4 days and I plan on giving her another week of space to think about what she just did. I didn't see this break up coming and when she did it I thought that this couldn't possibly be the end. My friends and the whole family were in shock and many people have told me that she needs space to realize that this isn't the best choice right now. I really believe she is not mentally well and did this thinking that it would fix all her problems and make her feel better. I know she is trying to be so strong, we have the exact same friends and our lives are so intertwined.. she's told all our friends to be there for me instead of her because I need it, etc. and is trying to act as if nothings wrong. But I saw the music she's been playing on Spotify and it's all so depressing... I need help... it's been a week and I am still in denial. I have cried every day and even contemplated ending my life because the pain is too much for me to handle. I love this girl with every inch of my being but I have tried to give her space. I am not replying to her last text to me in hopes of the breakup really hitting her properly and maybe changing her mind It seems like she is set but I don't understand it all. I mean I get she is not okay but I know she is still in love with me? I plan on replying to her in another week or so and asking to meet up to talk but I am unsure if I go on this holiday with her? Is it a bad idea or do I have a chance of winning her back if I play it smart? I will never pressure or chase her but I hope if we went away she would realize how much she does love me and how good we are together... I have known this girl for 7 years... she was my best friend for years before she was my lover and I am not sure what the right thing to do is? Do we go away? Do you guys think I have a chance of getting her back? And how do you perceive this all ending... Please help me!!!!!!!! I need advice outside of our friendship group and I feel like I am going crazy trying to figure out what's going on in her head
