Given up trying to be gay

Re: Given up trying to being gay

Not sure I am in any place right now to give advice. But, do not enter into any sort of a relationship without full disclosure. Even with that things change over time. Expectations, responsibilities, health...

I struggled with losing my family over quitting my religion when I was early twenties. On top of that, I had decided I was gay...bi did not exist in those days. So, I get your struggle. You should proceed at your own pace and on your own terms.

I used to drive out in the desert and listen to Supertramp "Logical Song" and weep for hours...google it if you're too young to know the song.

 

Re: Given up trying to being gay

Hi,
It seems like you've made your decision. You should give at least a passing acknowledgement to whoever your partner is that you have strong homosexual feelings. I felt it was only fair in my case. I waited until after we were engaged to marry. We knew each other very well by then and loved each other. I think the love between you and your fiance will be enough for her to accept you as you are. If in fact she wants a much fuller explanation or has worries then it's up to you to assure her those feelings will not lead to unfaithfulness because you are committed to her.

In my case we met in February of '69, were engaged in May '69 and married in November of 69. She was everything I wanted. I think you can set some objective qualities you want in a wife and mother. It is not unusual for men to choose women who have character traits that they admired in their mother. Watch for that so that if you don't want someone like your mother make sure you are aware of all the character traits of your intended.

Where do you meet? In your day to day you are always exposed to women. Every now and then you will find one attractive enough to flirt with. The woman I might have married worked with me. She was intellectually my peer, she had a great sense of humor, was not beautiful, but had a sexiness about her. When we dated we had some great times and it was always a lot of fun. As I got to know about her childhood and her family I got to see that her mother poisoned the well. Her mother's husband, my gfs father, left her mom when the girl was quite young. The mother was so bitter that she never missed an opportunity to let her daughter know that men are cads. We went skiing once and I tried to be helpful with advice about form etc. She was so rejecting that I realized that had we married we could expect a lifetime of conversations with flying plates. I tell you all this so that you know that you should know about a potential mate's background and their behavior toward men.
Just believe that you can find a woman, make it an objective, keep your eyes and heart open. Btw sex with women can be very satisfying. I didn't have to be thinking of men when having sex with my wife. I used to get off on imagining myself to be a stud as I watched my dick slide in and out of her. I'm blushing...lol.
I will be very happy to help as best I can as you pursue this goal. I think I can ask the kind of questions that will help you learn the things you need to form a very strong relationship.

You mentioned several times that you see the possibility that a woman would except an open relationship. Not saying it can't happen but think about it...when would you spring this on her for one thing and even "enlighted" women tend to be old fashioned in their wanting monogamy.

I wish you well in your pursuit of your goal. I don't think you will regret the decision. When you go from the wedding to the day to day of family life you can be quite comfortable. Also, raising children is a very satisfying experience.

 

Re: Given up trying to being gay

It sounds like you've taken a lot of time to sort rationally through your feelings and try to find a logical solution.
The problem is that sexuality, emotions and relationships are rarely rational or logical.
I fear that 20 years into your future, if you take the course you suggest, you will be feeling like I'm feeling now, surveying the wreckage of not only your own life but that of your wife and your children.
Sexuality & sexual needs sadly don't become less important when you reach middle age, they re-assert themselves with a vengence in my experience. My wife knew that I was bisexual from before we were married but that still hasn't lessened the pain I've inflicted and experienced. Honesty up front about your sexuality may not prevent the future I fear for you (it certainly didn't for me).
My family also would not have accepted my sexuality and I certainly felt I was choosing the easier option to suppress (part) of my sexuality and live the life that others 'wanted' for me. The problem is that others should not have a right to veto the most fundamental parts of you in order to gain their love or acceptance. True love is not conditional. My realisation of that was when I held my firstborn in my arms and I realised what a f*cked-up relationship I had with my parents that I could not be myself with them or others in my family.It still didn't make me live authentically but it did start the process of falling to pieces, slowly, painfully and destructively.
When/ if you marry, the early years of a marriage can feel like a romance as you are swept up in pleasing one another, learning all about your spouse and becoming their best friend (hopefully). Then children enter the picture and you are so busy with all the day to day activities you do not pause to consider yourself or your needs. However, children grow up, begin to assert their independence & live their own lives and don't need you in the same way. Then, it is you & your spouse and the rest of your lives together. Friendship & companionship will certainly carry you some of the way but in my experience it is not enough if you are not invested in that person as your life partner in terms of real emotions & sexual interest. Someone described marriage as a bit like a three legged stool - 1 leg is love/ companionship, the 2nd - friendship & the 3rd - continued sexual interest.
Without the third leg you may be able to keep the stool upright but it will take all your energy and you will get tired. Then will come loneliness and isolation like you've never felt, a longing for true connection with a member of your own sex (not just furtive encounters on the down low), then a crushing sense of guilt about what you doing to the woman who will have grown to love you and need you and is thinking about a future together once the kids are grown up. Then will come depression or other health problems as your mind begins to betray your body, then will come therapy and then will come the realisation you've still ultimately got to tell that same family that you've hidden from for 20 years the truth. The only difference now is that they will accept it a whole lot less as you are the father of their grandchildren and they've accepted your identity as heterosexual so much they will never be able on any level to accept your sexuality.
I wish you well with your plans and hope they work out for you but please be aware what you are suggesting maybe anything but the easiest option in the long run.

 

Re: Given up trying to being gay

Hey, sorry, I didn't want to try to make things more difficult for you. I know it can be so confusing & difficult to try to do 'the right thing' and make yourself & your family happy.
However, this is (probably) the only life on this planet that we get and you deserve to be content and fulfilled in all aspects of your life. Your family cannot live your life for you. Only you exist in your own head & know what you really feel.
If marriage to a woman is going to give that elusive happiness, go for it but please be sure that you are honest with her about your sexuality & don't try to live a lie as from my experience it comes crashing down in the end.
Here are more some (difficult) questions you might want to think about. I don't know the answers but I know many of us are trying to find our way to them...
Think about how you might feel if you met the love of your life and he was male but you couldn't pursue this because you were married. What happens if you fall in love with one of the male sexual partners you might meet after getting married. Love can be all consuming and might drive you to break the marriage to a woman and leave your children. How will your family react/ feel then?
Just because you haven't met someone you wish to spend your life with, it doesn't mean he is not out there & could that love compensate for perhaps the greater distance or non-acceptance from your family? Your family, if they really love you, ultimately will want you to be happy and you might be surprised what they will accept with time. The world is changing - gay marriage & adoption is becoming more acceptable and even some people who have had religious or social opposition to these changes in society are beginning to see things a little differently. Think about the changes in the last few years & how different things might be in another 10 or 20 years. Perhaps, we will reach the point where the gender of your partner is irrelevant to most people.
Life is a journey & we all grow & develop differently. Yes, gay & straight relationships both break down but they stand a much better chance of lasting if you really love that person with your body & soul.

 

Re: Given up trying to being gay

Marriage is hard. Marriage without honesty is impossible. Yeah, marriages fall apart every day and people are devastated. But if there's honest communication, even a marriage that falls apart can do so with the least amount of hurt and damage.

I want to talk to my ex more about a new realization, but I think I knew for a long time that he was gay, because I had panic attacks during and after sex - and I'm bisexual. I had never had panic attacks about sex with men prior to our marriage, but somehow, somewhere, I knew it was wrong. We all have intuition that tells us when things are wrong, when something should be different, and we don't listen to that intuition for whatever reason.

If you decide to marry a woman, please give her the honest truth of the situation before the engagement. Give yourselves an actual chance at success that can't exist if you start with dishonesty.

 

Re: Given up trying to being gay

Obviously this is a terrible and heartbreaking situation. You shouldn't have to choose between your family and yourself.

But there it is, nonetheless.

The way I see your situation, it's almost not even about sexuality at all. It's about deciding to live for yourself and believing that true happiness comes from within -- or to live for someone else and derive your happiness from their approval.

To me, the latter is a very tenuous position and puts you in an emotionally codependent situation for the rest of your life. You won't be a full adult living his own life; at some level you'll remain a child trying to meet his parents' expectations. I don't mean for that to be offensive, just to suggest that owning what you are and accepting the consequences may be a key to emotional maturity.

Another thing to consider. If you married a woman, what would you imagine that life to look like? Obviously you'll visit the family and make them happy. But what about the day-to-day? Would you live separate lives, and pursue sex/relationships with men on the side? If not, how are you planning to get through each day if there isn't a loving relationship?

 

Re: Given up trying to being gay

You could probably find a matching service for closeted people if you dig hard enough. I'm not sure whether they exist in Australia, but they certainly do in some parts of the world. There are lesbians out there in the same predicament who'd be willing to have an open relationship. No need to drag a straight woman into it.

That said, I'm not sure it's worth it. It's so hard to say - on one hand, I want to urge you to live authentically - you only get one life. On the other, I come from a supportive background and don't know what it's like to walk in your shoes.

All I can say is, think really long and hard about it. Is this really the better option?

 

Re: Given up trying to being gay

I knew my husband in high school. We went to the same college and we began dating. The first year I told him of my same sex attractions. The 2nd, 3rd, and 4th years we openly talked of cute girls and joked about future three-somes. I had never even kissed a girl at that point. The 5th year after college he asked me to marry him. I hesitated. He loved me and acknowledged my struggles and desires. He said not to worry if I ever felt the need for female intimacy we could work it out. It would not come between out desires to make our family work. He was my best friend. I shared everything with him. I loved him more than I could ever love any man. He was perfect. We married in year 6. Year 8 comes along and an old friend from middle school looked me up in the hope that I had turned out gay. We hung out and I told her that I did turn out gay but I fell in love with a man. She was confused and I was even more confused. As I did I shared my stuggle and my attraction to her with him. He encouraged the relationship. To make a long story short I became intimate with her physically and then emotionally. Now all the lesbians on this forum knows where this story is going. But the poor straight husband had no clue. All he knew was that his sex life had improved. The sexual frustration I felt toward her bled through to him to make our times together more passionate. He loved it. But what he didn't realize is that women are more emotional beings. We are different than men and it's not just the physical sex that is the draw it is the emotional bond with another woman, a level of emotional connection that can not be supplied by a man that is what we truly desire. I only made love to her one time. One time and then she could no longer bear the burden of being involved with a married women. She left my life as quickly as she entered it. I was devistated. I left my husband three weeks later. She would never take my calls and I never saw her again. My husband had to bear the shame of his wife leaving him and becoming a lesbian. My family had married off their daughter to the perfect man all to see her throw it all away to be gay and alone. But one thing I did learn from Lori, even though she was buried deep in the closet herself, was you have to be yourself. There is no hiding it or trying to bury it. It will eventually come out. I told my whole family. It was difficult and many of those relationships took many years to repair. But only six months later I met the woman of my dreams. The one who would make me complete. We have been together for 20 years now and have a wonderful daughter of our own. My parents got their only grand daughter after all. Do you know my ONLY regret in all of that. It was what I put poor Lori through. I have no idea of what burden she has carried over the last 20 years. I'm am saddened by that. My guilt is not for him because he knew going into the relationship. He went into it freely. Even though he cried and begged me not to leave I still did. And I have never regretted it not even once. You have to be yourself. The cost of not following your heart Is spending the rest of your life wishing you had.

 

Re: Given up trying to being gay

Have you ever considered skipping a relationship, woman or man, and just moving on to the family part by surrogate or adoption? Your family sounds really involved in your life, so you would have the backup support system. It's unconventional but I think it give more peace and happiness than you might expect.

My biggest concern with you marring a woman would be the kids. Humans communicate more through body language than through speech, and it's almost impossible to control. Even if you never said anything to your kids they would grow up with the message that's it's ok to put your needs on the back burner for someone else.

On the parental front consider that when you have a kid your world will rearrange, and you won't want them to go through what you have gone through. This may mean your family priorities could change a lot if you see the kids going though the same things you have gone through with your parents. Would you be ok with your kids having the same relationship you have with your parents if they were in your place?

On giving up hope of family acceptance. Ive seen difficult families come around. My niece, on my husbands side, is transgender. She has struggled for acceptance with her family, some of whom were very against her. Its been a long struggle but she is winning them over with consistently loving and forgiving them. It's a painful difficult struggle sometimes. The one who was most opposed has finally started acceptance this month. And I see a new closeness that wasn't there before forming, a we can do anything together bond, that was worth the struggling.

 

This is your choice. And I find it refreshing that you are think about your family. Family really matters. Just be on the same page as your partner if you do this.