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Getting nervous about the day I'll come out

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by BlueNeon, Feb 19, 2018.

  1. BlueNeon

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    My plan is to come out to my parents in three weeks. When this happens, I will almost certainly lose everything. I think that maybe I could have one friend left who will still talk to me, but that’s it, and that’s not all that certain anyway. The parents have already said they’d kick me out of the house, and the rest of my social circle is the church I’ve been forced to attend since I was old enough to go. The church is quite hostile toward anything LGBT+ related, so when I come out, I will lose what little social circle I have. I will be an outcast in the community. The thing is, I’ve been wanting to do this since I learned that I am the way I am. The parents and I don’t get along anyway, and the church hasn’t been for me since I’ve been able to realize that I don’t believe in it at all.

    I’ve got my exit plan all figured out. I’ve got a college scholarship that will cover absolutely every expense for the next four years. Classes, books, food, and housing are covered, so I’ve got a place to land when I get kicked out. I’ve got enough in savings to make the trip to the school and survive on my own for a couple of weeks until my meal plan gets activated. I think I’ve got everything covered.

    So, why is it I’m so nervous? I’ve been dreaming about this clean break from my closeted life for years now. Why is it that, now that I’m a few weeks away from starting my life of being free, I’m scared to do it? The only thing that has kept me moving forward in life is the dream of the clean break from this life and starting a new one, and now that I have the chance to do it, I’m getting scared. Shouldn’t I be excited about this instead of scared?
     
  2. mask1985

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    It's perfectly natural to be scared because it's a big thing for you - I think most people who have come out were nervous to some degree. Just make sure you absolutely have a safe accommodation worked out before the big step. - good luck.
     
  3. AriKari

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    The ego doesn't like what it doesn't know. As far as the ego is concerned, anything that is unknown is potential harm, kicking in the fear to help protect you. Fear is a friend who's misunderstood.
     
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  4. quebec

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    Blue Neon.... Hello again...I thing that I have written to you about this before. Just had another thought about being sure you are prepared for the break. You might want to consider removing the money from your bank account before you come out to your parents. It is possible that they could go to the bank and as your legal guardians (if you aren't 18 yet) take the money or freeze the account. Just something I though about to be sure that you are safe! :old_smile:
    ....David :gay_pride_flag:
     
    #4 quebec, Feb 20, 2018
    Last edited: Feb 20, 2018
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  5. PatrickUK

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    It's normal to be nervous. Even if you expect nothing but support, it's normal. I was super nervous and an anxious mess before I came out for the first time and I didn't have as much to lose.

    On a conscious level, you may have resigned yourself to the fact that you will be ostracised for coming out, but there may be things going on beneath the surface (what some people refer to as the subconscious mind) that are fuelling all of the nervousness and anxiety. To what extent are you in touch with these things?

    It's very hard to detach ourselves from the past. We instinctively love our parents and when they do wrong by us it doesn't mean we switch off like a light. The light [love] may dim, but it still remains. The same applies to friends and social acquaintances -- we may move on in a practical sense, but on an emotional level it's not as straightforward.

    It's good that you have a plan, but I am concerned that you have no real support in place when you come out. I'm concerned that the backlash might rock you more that you realise and that's why I would like you to update us and stay connected when the time comes. Will you do that, just so we know how you are and can offer support? If the college you are going to has a counsellor, will you reach out if you need to talk?

    You may think it's a lost cause with your parents/family, but don't close the door completely and do refer them to PFLAG anyway. PFLAG supports lots of parents and relatives of LGBT people, including those with conservative/religious beliefs. In the fullness of time they may recover and come round.

    Good luck!
     
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  6. BlueNeon

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    You have talked about this with me before, and I was glad to get some advice. I have already made plans for making sure that I have the essentials, including my savings, locked up somewhere safe that only I can get to before I do this. The day before I come out, I will have a bag with clothes, bathroom stuff, food, and my savings locked up in the office of the lawyer who has been kind enough to guide me through some of the legal stuff for a very small fee.

    I do need to acknowledge how awesome this lawyer has been. He agreed to take me on for free on this whole emancipation thing, but I insisted that there be at least a token fee. Part of that was to make sure that attorney/client privilege was established with no room for interpretation, and part of it was because people that kind deserve some kind of reward, even if it's just a token. I don't know if getting through all of this would have been practical without his guidance, and I'm eternally grateful for it.

    I do intend to keep anyone who is interested updated on how it goes. I'm not real big on talking to people in person, but I will keep the idea of talking to a counselor of some kind in mind.

    As for the family, it is already a lost cause. I will take the high road, I'll be polite and respectful when I tell them that I'm a lesbian, but there is absolutely no mystery to how this will end. I'll leave them with the choice, even though they've made up their mind on that a long time ago. I'll be sure to leave them with PFLAG information and all of that, but that would just be me going through the motions. It won't change anything. Taking the high road will make my case for emancipation look better when it comes before the court, so that's another bonus.
     
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  7. quebec

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    Blue Neon...I am very glad that you have been in contact with a lawyer. It does sound like you are doing your best to cover your bases. I can only wish you the best and encourage you that taking the high road and documenting it as much as possible is a very good choice. Thinking ahead and preparing for the inevitable will weigh heavily in your favor when the crunch comes. Keep us updated!
    ....David :gay_pride_flag:
     
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  8. BlueNeon

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    I have absolutely been documenting everything, both because of your advice and the advice of the lawyer. Everything I've written down is saved on my computer and a copy is sent to my lawyer. I've also sent a copy of everything I've written about my living situation since I was 13. Granted, back then, it was more of a diary than preparation for a legal case, but he said that it may help to show that my situation isn't a short term thing.

    I've got certified copies of my bills for college that show the amount I need for class, books, housing, food, and all that stuff. I also have letters of commitment from the scholarship committees stating that the full amount of those bills (and a bit extra) will be paid the moment it is confirmed that I have arrived on campus. I have a letter from the student housing office stating that so long as I arrive sometime between March 5th - 28th, I will have a student apartment ready for me to claim. If I should miss that date range for any reason, I will be placed in a traditional dorm, and I've got documentation for that too. I think I'm pretty well covered on the future preparation part, although if anyone can think of something I'm missing, please let me know. I am always willing to listen to advice, especially from people who have more experience with how the world works than I do. :slight_smile:
     
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  9. Cas girl

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    Hello there.
    I just wanted to say all the best for the future.
    What you are doing takes immense courage to do.
    Anxiety is natural, but it looks like you have got all your bases covered so try not to stress a lot, yes ?
    Please keep me posted on how it is goes.
    Take care.
     
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  10. quebec

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    Blue Neon....Sounds good! How far do you have to travel to the university? Do you have a car or have you made other arrangements to get there? Just trying to think of everything! :old_smile:
    ....David :gay_pride_flag:
     
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  11. BlueNeon

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    It will be quite a long trip. If the court case goes my way, I'll head to the airport and buy a plane ticket. I've checked the prices, and I've got that covered. If there's something that makes it so I can't get a plane ticket, I can buy a train ticket, or even go with a bus. If I have to, I will crawl on my hands and knees all the way there, but I think that won't be needed.
     
  12. BlueNeon

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    Since people in this thread wanted updates, there are 5 days left before this happens. I've already got my bag packed and locked up in the lawyer's office, so now I'm just trying to make sure I've got all my last minute stuff in order. I'm still really nervous, but I still feel it's the right thing for me to do.
     
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  13. Cleo mc

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    You are so incredibly brave and I don’t think I’ve ever been so inspired in my life. This is coming from a young 15 year old girl who has read everything even remotely interesting anywhere. I’d give you advice but girl as if I could say anything helpful. You got this. You practically got the world. NOTHING CAN STOP YOU.

    P.s. update me. I will be refreshing every hour.
     
  14. spartafc

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    @BlueNeon — wow. You are incredibly brave. I wish you the absolute best.
     
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  15. BlueNeon

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    Wow... thank you for the kind words and support. It really does help me deal with the nerves.

    I'll be happy to update this thread when it all happens, but it won't be happening until Sunday, so no need to refresh every hour. :slight_smile:
     
  16. BlueNeon

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    Tomorrow's the day. :grimacing:
     
  17. quebec

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    BlueNeon....The best to you, so hope that everything will work out!
    ....David :gay_pride_flag:
     
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  18. BlueNeon

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    So, I don't want to go into a whole lot of detail at the moment, but it's done. The parents reacted pretty much like I expected, by which I mean that things went bad quickly. But, I am OK, I'm staying somewhere safe, and my lawyer is already working on an emergency request to move my emancipation court date up and file a restraining order against the parents.
     
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  19. quebec

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    BlueNeon....Damn! Good going girl. You did it and took care of yourself! I am sorry that things went bad. I know that's what you expected, but there was always a tiny bit of hope. Perhaps in the years to come they will begin to understand that they have lost a great deal through their actions. We can always hope that 10-20 years from now there will be a letter or a phone call and they will ask forgiveness. It probably seems impossible now, but there is always a tiny hope. Now....even though you were prepared for it, I know that it wasn't easy and could not have felt good. Don't let their anger or rejection control your life. You want to be out from under their control...so do your best to lock them away in that same mental closet that you have just come out of. Leave them there and see if they will someday also come out. Look forward to university and a new life with new friends. I know that you will never forget this day. Another unforgettable day will be when the judge grants you emancipation...mark down that day and send a nice card to your lawyer every year thanking him for your "New Birthday"! Also....think about writing a book about all of this...from the first time you thought that you might not be straight up until you start college!! I am not joking...a book like that would be an incredible inspiration to other teenagers facing the same kind of problems. You have a great story...share it! Wish you the very best...and stay in contact with us here on empty closets. We want to know you are OK and how your new life works out.
    .....David :gay_pride_flag:
     
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  20. BlueNeon

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    Thanks for all your support and advice so far. Honestly, I'm feeling a bit overwhelmed after yesterday an unrelated but amazing thing that happened today. The idea of a book is a big one, and honestly I don't think I'm in a great place to take that kind of project on right now. But, I'm not ruling it out either. It may be a future project. It's just that, right now I'm going through so much that I'm amazed I didn't burn the kitchen down when I was reheating a slice of pizza. :stuck_out_tongue:
     
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