I have posted here before about my gender confusion and it's here again and I am getting irritated and becoming ashamed with myself. I don't even know where to start. If I were to change my birthname, it would become Hanno instead of Hanna. I have an alternative email address (from my school one) and thought "huh I guess I will use Hanno," because, you know, people put all kinds of things as their email screenname, so that's what I did about two days ago. I created this group chat with my friends, using that email, so they'd all see "Hanno." Some were joking and saying "everytime I see it, I see 'Homo.'" and it was funny and laughy haha. One of the girls in the group chat, calls me Hanno, I don't know why, but that's what she's doing and it's fine! It's fine. I don't mind it, I think it's funny. Today, I gamed with a person who I exposed myself to, revealing all my struggles and now I have become ashamed for some reason, of these struggles, I don't know why. He believes there are two genders, but supports my identity, but everytime we talk about it, I ramble, because nothing feels right and I just stop the conversation by just saying "I'm cis, I don't want to talk about this ever again," but we did today! He was like, "Hanno?" Me: Ohhhhh, I still need to change it. (lying) Him: FireLady! Me: I remember that. Him: I remember I called you that and you didn't like it because you were questioning your gender. Me: wELl, I'm not now, so let's not talk about this. He said a few more things and it was obvious I really did not want to talk about it, for some reason. I haven't figured out specifically why I don't like to talk to him about it, but it's always him, never with him again. I came out to one of my friends and she would listen but could not relate so I don't think I will talk to her about it anymore. I don't have a name for how I feel and it's making me ANGRY. I am OK with what I am doing, but my chest sometimes bothers me, like I don't like not having breasts and I don't like having them either! If I think "I'm a girl," that feels mostly OK, but something still feels wrong. I know about nonbinaryism and transgenderdism, but that is not me. I don't want to be "demigirl/boy" because through social media, I learned those were "extra" name tags for people and I dont wanna be like "oh yea I'm demigirl/boy" bcs they may say "who cares?" or what are they supposed to do with that information? I still catch myself trying to deepen my voice, but I try to do it without other people noticing me. There was this other thing that happened at school. Friend 1: I'm on my period!! Me: I just got off mine. Friend 2: Oh, really? I never really associated periods with you, Hanna. That's probably because I dress masculine, but I did not take offense. If anything, I felt good. Rain Dove, a they/them actor has told people, "I dont mind what they assume me as, as long as they don't use the pronouns with malice." rrrrrr I don't know what to do! I don't have a spot to talk about this where I can find answers for myself and I wish I could chose something, but every single name feels wrong for me. I don't even want a name for myself, I just want to be me, but it's so hard for me to remember that. I don't want it to be like this.
It shouldn't matter what others think of how you identity. Is the only reason you don't like demiboy/girl is because of other people's opinions? Have you considered something like agender? An absence of gender. I don't think social media should be a determinant of how you identify. There's always going to be people who say "meh" or "who cares". If that's an identity that resonates with you, no one should be the judge for how you identify. Personally, what helped me was to start with something broad (like Non-Binary; something I didn't like to do starting out), but I found a very general identity made me more comfortable at the time. From there, I narrowed down what I did or didn't like. It's hard to do, but I think trying to get out of the "needing to find a label" mindset may help you just "be" and not try and "be a label" if that makes sense. I personally have gone through a few different identities myself, and it is a process when you're questioning. Honestly, it's a start, but I think trying to just find what makes you comfortable or uncomfortable may help you determine where you fall on the spectrum. If you do feel like you need to label yourself, I think finding something general or broad enough may be something that helps. Is that something that resonates with you? If you don't think Non-Binary or Transgender feels right, you could be non-conforming or androgynous as well.
