Hello all, this is my first post here and I'm not sure what I'm doing but I suppose I'll dive in...I'm 26...biologically speaking I am a male...though this title seems idk, void of meaning when it applies to me. I have successfully lived as a Male...I joined the army at 21 and by 24 I had done a combat tour in iraq. I have gained all the male status and fulfilled what was expected of me by society...and in iraq my life crumbled...half way through tour I experienced what I can only describe as an a inner conflict of gender. I shaved my body to cope...I wore feminine workout shirts "ironicly" at the gym..it felt soul crushing....but then when I cam back...I just felt numb...I was married to a woman at the time...she started supportive while I was overseas but in person she couldnt hide the disgust on her face seeing me in heels for time...I felt a part of me die in that moment and I stuff down things in front of her from then on....until I left. I seem as clueless now as I did then when it comes to my gender...some people can look too their childhood for answer but that's part of the problem...my childhood was extremely violent and abuseive...its hard to remember chunks of my past..everything just seems fuzzy. The few I have are fragmented at best.Depression has fully taken over this avenue of my life. I dont want to think about it but it's always on the back of my mind...I feel disconnected from males but I do feel safe with male privilege....I feel week because I cling to that safely, that anonymity, blending in. Knowing that's not how I feel...it feels like expressing myself is a social death sentence. Part of me sees no point to any of it...I'm not the attention seeking type. I find it hard to be in noisy places and crowds....when people stare at me in public I get those alarm bells of danger...its been known to cause panic attacks on bad days...I just dont know what to do with this..apologies on the long post.
