gender, identity, rumbling, and hope

Hey


Lil' list of the agenda of this post : rant about growing up queer, questioning, fear of detransitioning, identity, labels. Hope that helps, it sure does help me to write down and share this.

Side note : I don't except that anyone comment "duh, ur trans/ur not" bc its not how that works, even if it would be easier, but if you have some common feelings or have had similar path, let me know !

So, it's been a while since I last wrote a post on this forum. I first joined it when I was a lost teenager, desperate to know about their label on sexuality.
I'm now 21, a bit less lost in life, more stable mentally, but still uncertain, and now about gender. It's a bit frustrating, because I thought I've spent enough time trying to understand myself and my feelings.

Tho, I never took into account gender identity. I guess liking girls and being masc when you're afab is a challenge in itself. And sometimes I think that's it, I'm just a gay girl that doesn't fit into gender stereotype, end of the story.

And I read many stories of queer girls that detransition because they first thought a trans identity could fix everything, and later realized this wasn't the solution. It raises the question of influence, tho I do think that putting the blame on a community for an individual choice is a bit unfair. I don't want to do that, you know, ignore the challenges that come with being a lesbian in a society where femininity is both praised and attacked. And I do think that this narrative is rare, but weaponized because someone did the unthinkable : transgressed a gender line, but decided to get back where they were at first. But could you say this person goes back to who they were ? Why was there this need to transition at a certain point ? To anyone doubting and fearing detransition, its no as scary as it sounds. I recommend the channel of Alia ISMAIL who offers a balanced and thought-through view about her detransition, which is quite refreshing regarding this topic.

So, yeah, I'm very informed about this topic. For a few years now, I've been following trans content-creators to be informed on trans related issues. I've come far, first from Kalvin Garrah pipeline (ouch) to Sam Collins and now non binary tiktokers. I remember that when I was younger and watched Kalvin, I thought to myself : "He has such a strict view on who's transgender or not that I'm a bit reassured. That couldn't be me, I couldn't be trans. Because he's a transguy, and he knows what being a trans guy is about". I couldn't identify with the experience he described. That let me with a sour feeling, both relieved and disappointed.

Sure, I never liked my body, but which woman in this society does ? Sure, I'm fascinated with topics about gender, but who isn't ?

But then it became more deep. I thought I was obsessed, that it was unhealthy. I mean, I didn't feel this way when I consumed every lesbian media available. But with gender, I felt that I didn't have the right to feel so close to the trans community. I've always felt like an intruder. Yet, I'm by no mean fetishizing their pain or their bodies, I'm not a chaser, I don't reduce them to being trans, and don't worry, I've got out of this transmed shit. But here I was, thinking this obsession with gender identity was not sane.

Because transcending my own gender always felt like a crime to me. Besides, why would I do this ? Why would I alter my body ?

"My chest is way too big for me to be trans. Top surgery would look so bad on me. I wouldn't be good looking on T. I'm too feminine to ever pass. I enjoy being a woman sometimes"

Some of my thoughts as I watch trans people thriving and taking a path on affirming their gender. And here I am, feeling so ashamed when my family laughs at me for being "masculine" and "denying who i am" just because I'm a woman (?) with short hair. So if I were trans. Well. I don't even want to beging to imagine what they'll say. And when I express the need for more gender neutrality to my friends, they respect it, but sometimes, they're asking me questions about what I want, if I'm a boy, if I'm still a girl, and when they see that I don't know, or that I do know, i do know that I'm non binary, I can feel that they're judging me, that they're thinking "yeah, right, you're a woman who has short hair, that's it".

And if its the case, why do I have so many trouble enjoying sexual connexion, because I wish my partner didn't touch my breast ? Why do I get so damn envious of masculine people and get sad when I realize how feminine I am ? Why do I hate feeling the weight of my own chest ? Why do I want to get rid of this hips ? Why do I get sad at my round face ? Is it dysphoria ? Is it dysmorphia ? Is it OCD ? A need for control ?

All I do know is that it's that I've grown so tired of this same old question. And when I questioned if I could be trans, I started to realize some pain I've been escaping. I'm trying to untangle if my complex relationship with gender as something to do with trans identity, or something else, in therapy. I go through these cylces of : I'm not trans -> god I'm jealous of masculine individuals -> god i think im transmasc-> if I am , i would have so much things to face, is it really worth it ? -> my pain is not big enough -> fuck it im cis and not legitimate
And repeat.

I do think its sad that we put so much pressure on trans* individuals, or just exploring individuals. Even by detailling some pretty intense gender-feels here, I still feel like a lost cis girl who's trying to make up an identity. And socially, that's so shameful. "Pff. You thought you were trans. You thought you were edgy, and it was so obvious that you were wrong and just a lesbian that wanted to be different".

I think people are jealous of others who deem to question what they couldn't begin to question. I think people are jealous of individuals freeing themselves from norms and just being who they are at their core. And that's why they're so bitter when someone question their gender. "It's like you're not sure ? Well you're not. Fuckyou for thinking you were special". Newsflash : being a minority is not special, its exhausting. Yeah, we have a queer culture, yeah, we talk about our identity all of the time. And why is it bothering you, queer people expressing themselves and taking pride in their identity ? Oh, you feel ostraziced ? Mmh, poor honey. Must be hard for you. Can't imagine what it feels like

So, yeah, I guess what I'm trying to say is, I don't feel legitimate in my queer gender identity, but I feel as if I needed to work on this. I have some pretty trans feels, idk if its dysphoria. I also know im really happy about my look (usually serving gay boy realness), and I identify a lot with transmasc people.

I'm a bit scared to start over a new process, but I think I've built enough trust to get through it. I hope I'll find a community of genderqueer people who'll understand me. In the mean time, I'm building projects and try to be a good person day after day

Maybe becoming an adult is understanding that shit is gonna get real again, and again, and that you'll have to face it alone, even if each time, you know yourself a bit more.
Discovery is a long path. I'm just starting the hike !