I have very much been struggling with gender fluidity... Sometimes I feel like a man, and obviously that makes me very happy when I feel like my birth sex aligns with my personality Sometimes I've felt like a woman, and obviously this is the worst feeling, because that is not my birth sex. Strangely, that seems to have happened when I am sexually aroused. When I've asked questions on these forums before, I've tended to get one of two types of replies: Comment A: You're really a woman in denial, so just transition! Reality: NO. I've only felt like a woman SOME of the time, and I really don't want to change genders. Perhaps part of me would if it was a simple switch as in the snap of a finger, I'd do it... , but to have to go down the rabbit hole of confessing to family/friends, taking hormones, and still not being fully accepted the same way a cis person is- to me that's not worth it. Comment B: You can be any kind of person you want to! If you want to wear dresses/nail polish and act like a woman, feel free! Who cares what other people think! Reality: Unfortunately, that is easy to say on paper, but in practice it's not very realistic for me. Society has tended to condemn that behavior- and I don't want dirty looks, or anything worse. So yeah... obviously I'm depressed when I can't express myself fully, nor do I want to switch genders (At least I think so anyway). So...yeah .
I feel the same way as you do. I'm not sure I fully want to be a woman, but I'm not fully a man. I'm not sure whether I am a more masculine or feminine, but I know a more feminine than most men. I like what you said about maybe switching if it was easier. I sometimes think I might want to do that myself if it was possible. The differences between your situation and mine are that I do go out in public with my nails painted pink and carrying a pink purse. The people around here are mostly pretty accepting and those who aren't typically keep their opinions to themselves. Also I think my depression comes from more than just gender fluidity. I have a few other things going on with me that affect me.
You need to develop a comfort zone that allows you to express both your genders without attracting too much attention. It can be something as simple as attaching a length of non binary pride beads to your key chain as I do or covertly wearing female under attire in public or even dressing in a non binary fashion as I often do. ( observe females as they grocery shop for ideas in non binary fashion as quite a few girls "Shop Casual") If you feel more comfortable in being and projecting as a male then by all means do what you need do to satisfy those urges. I can tell you that once you recognize your gender fluidity it isn't going to go away and suppressing it will only cause you pain, depression, and self loathing. Embrace yourself for who you are. You need not be ashamed.
I realise your question is really about dysphoria, but you've mentioned before that the link between sexual arousal and your gender identity bothers you. Forgive me if this is too personal, but do you know why the sexual connection upsets you? I have that link too, and it wasn't until I really tried to dig around for a reason that I came to understand that there were a bunch of issues hiding in the back of my mind which were unexplored and making my feelings around being female worse than they would have been otherwise.
