Hey folks. I found this forum a few years ago when my son came out and received some awesome words of advice and encouragement. I have a new dilemma and am hoping again for some wisdom of others. My son is getting married to a wonderful guy. They are truly in love and seem very happy together. It will be a very small ceremony. A few family members and some of their friends. My problem this time is not my gay son but my very religious daughter. She did not take the news of her brother being gay very well, and the news of him marrying another man is absolutely tearing her apart. She is not sure she will attend the wedding. I have told her i understand her religious beliefs and understand if she decides not to attend. Truth be told i am bothered that she probably wont attend the ceremony. I know if i push her to go she will see it as me not supporting her beliefs. At the same time if i support her decision to not attend her brother will be heartbroken she was not there. So as a father of two very different adult offspring i am walking a tightrope and just want everyone to be happy. What to do???
One thing you might try is to guide her to think about how she might feel years from now, and if that puts the attendance at the ceremony in perspective. She might decide in five years that she misses her brother, and its all because she didn't show up. It isn't as if she is being asked to bless their marriage, just to be there for a family member because that keeps the channels of communication open. Opinions about marriage equality have changed a lot in the past ten years. The people who are against it (still) today, may be among those who are ok with it in the future. That might be her... and then she'll know she really let her brother down, in the one moment it would have made a difference.
maybe explaining the following will help: "Legal matrimony is marriage by state, which is guaranteed based upon the constitution, Holy Matrimony is the religious meaning the married couple may attach to it based on religion, By that Holy Matrimony for people may be very different and have very different requirements. By your standards in Holy Matrimony, her brother couldn't marry his love,- But by law they can marry under the state and have the right to marry under their further believes. In end, you'd want the people you love to be there to support you in their believes, even if they may disagree with you, so why wouldn't you want to give that back." That's what I would tell her. But I can't guarantee that's the best method.
Honestly, I think this is one of those things that is not about religion. You don't hear people say "I won't attend her wedding because she didn't wait to have sex until marriage" or "I won't attend your wedding because this is your second one and that goes against my beliefs" This is just being nitpicky for no reason. Also, homosexuality is consider a sin for many peoples faith, but no where in the bible says that going to a gay wedding is a sin or that should be avoided. It just says "don't be gay" not "don't support your gay brother".
I came from a conservative background, and I understand your daughter's hesitation. Has she taken the time to become educated about her brother? I guess what I mean is does she understand that being gay isn't a choice? Once I became educated I was able to see people with love and compassion instead of judgement. Maybe remind her that her lack of attendance will harm her relationship with him. If she truly cannot find joy for his marriage, maybe just ask her to only come to the reception. Then it's not as if she's attending a ceremony but still recognizing his joy. I wish your family peace! And congratulations to your son, may his marriage last a lifetime!
As a fellow parent, this was exactly what you had in mind before you had children, right? My experience raising a son who was a strong willed as I am (and seeing us both endure the consequences) has taught me that you can't make anyone do anything but you can still love them, and that having your own opinions and making your own decisions is enough. You know as well as anyone that there are no promises, but maybe your setting an example and carrying on as a loving parent in their lives will help mend things in time. I've heard it said that parenting is an endurance sport. it's definitely not a sprint. Sure... there's a big part of me that wants to suggest that your daughter open her bible and read the red letters (It has always seemed to me that Jesus preached acceptance and derided the rules lawyering of his time), but my experience is that simply trying to force people away from their opinions doesn't really work.
I would make her understand how hurt her brother will be if she doesn't attend. I know I would be hurt if my sister did not attend my wedding. Surely, she loves her brother and wants him to be happy? I fear if she turns her back on him she will regret this one day and it may damage their relationship forever.
Maybe she should watch “Prayers For Bobby”? Its a film based on real life events of a religious mother, and family, struggling to come to terms with the fact that her son his gay. Link to the full movie here:
