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Gay in straight marriage

Discussion in 'The Welcome Lounge' started by Out and In, May 26, 2018.

  1. Out and In

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    Hi everyone. I am new to EC and am excited to be apart of this amazing LGBT community.
    A brief history...I have always known I was gay. When I hit puberty I was scared of my sexuality as I was supposed to like girls but all my thoughts were always about guys. Girls intrigued me but I always felt like there was something missing. I mucked around with other guys my age in my teens which excited me but nothing too serious.
    While my straight mates were into girls I simply wasn’t and however played along pretending I was straight.
    Through high school I was always nervous and scared around girls but comfortable with guys. I hated high school and couldn’t wait to finish. No one knew of my struggle and it was a battle I fought myself.
    When I turned 18 I felt relief as I could now start to explore my sexuality more. Over the decades I explored my sexuality but it was all done in secret and I was terrified that my family or friends would find out. I had sexual relationships with men and women but wanted to be straight as I felt being a gay man was wrong even though gay sex felt so natural and right to me. I met men and women on-line where I felt safe about opening up and revealing my sexuality to them before meeting. I wanted to feel normal and accepted about my sexuality but fear held me back.
    Between my late 20’s to late 30’s I had two sexual relationships with two amazing out gay men who made me feel positive about myself and encouraged me to come out.
    I fought and fought my against my natural sexuality to the point where I was becoming despondent. So in between my relationships with the two gay friends I had hopeless short lived sexual relationships with women. I was doing this because I was in denial about being gay and was trying and failing to make myself straight. In my 30’s I went through phases where I identified as gay, bisexual, straight , bisexual, gay.....it was a viscous cycle of affirmation, denial, guilt, fear and frustration. I thought women were attractive but guys hot. Sex with women was okay and at times fun but I just felt like I was using them because of my own fears and the relationships were short lived. Sex with a guy felt normal, natural and exciting. I never got that with a woman and if I did it was short lived. Some I told I was bisexual and they were really accepting of it so I thought cool I can do this. But my gay side was still eating away inside and it was killing me.
    My fear of coming out was a combination of my family being let down or disgusted, losing my friends, work colleagues knowing, it conflicted with my Christian faith and basically living as an open gay man.
    Anyway six months before I turned 40 I felt I couldn’t live this lie anymore as it was killing me and I was becoming depressed as I couldn’t be the real me and was hiding the real me from everyone. I had been seeing a woman for a while and she went away for 4 weeks and during that time I did a lot of thinking. I didn’t miss her at all and all I could think of was guys and watching gay porn. It scared me and I knew I had to come out to her and my family. When she came home I was anxious and she sensed it over the phone. I told her I was gay instead of bisexual and she took it badly but thought we could work through it. About a week later I ended the relationship as it wasn’t fair to her to lead her on with a false hope.
    I told my sister I was gay and she was shocked as she never had a clue which is how good I hid my true sexuality from my family and friends. She is open minded and had gay friends and she was so happy for me for trusting her with this dark secret I had carried for 30 years.
    I then told my elderly parents (who divorced when I was 13) and they were so supportive and told me that they still loved me and my sexuality didn’t change who I was.
    My cousin was gay and now I was out to the immediate family and I felt such relief and happiness. I told one very close female friend who I love and was so supportive as she has a gay sister but I was still the straight guy to my friends and work colleagues as I was too scared to tell them. Being a single 40 year old male who had never been married and had no kids I thought some of them may suspect I was gay. I was straight acting, into my sports and heavy metal music but I suspected some could see through the veneer. And some did with my step sisters husband revealing he thought I was gay years earlier.
    So being comfortable in my sexuality I identified as a gay man for 3 years and hooked up with an old gay friend on occasions as I had needs that only gay porn can satisfy for so long before one goes crazy and needs the real physical touch and excitement with another gay human being. And it was amazing but he didn’t want a relationship even though I fell in love with him. I soon felt that I would never meet the right guy and began to think that maybe being bisexual was more worth it. So I went back in the gay closet and came out of the bisexual closet and met my now wife.
    She is beautiful and attractive and I was honest with her about my sexuality and sexual past about three months into our relationship. She accepted me as bisexual and I told her I had no desire to be with a guy. We married 12 months later and have been married for 2 years. Our sex life started out being amazing but deep in the back of my mind I was fighting against my natural urges and desires which is when the cracks started to appear. We were fighting and arguing a lot and our sex life was in decline. I was stressed out and started watching gay pornography where I got sexual relief as my wife was just not doing it for me physically. I have come to dislike her because of the sexually derogatory names she has called me and we are often sleeping in separate beds. My wife wants me to be honest with her when I watch gay porn but it is awkward telling her that I have. And honesty and trust is a huge thing in a marriage but I have broken our marriage vows by watching gay porn as even though I haven’t had a physical affair I have had emotional affairs by lusting after men rather than my wife. A part of me wants to keep denying my true sexuality and try to mend our marriage but I just don’t know if I can do it. My wife and I are both miserable and it is all my fault and do not know what to do. Should I stay with her and try to pretend I enjoy having sex with my wife and live this lie or end the marriage for her benefit as well as mine? I love my wife but only time will tell if I can keep living this way. I have read other people’s posts who are attracted to the same sex while in a straight marriage and can totally relate to what you are going through hence why I had to tell my story.
     
  2. LostInDaydreams

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    Welcome to EC. :slight_smile:

    As you've notices, you'll find plenty of people here who can relate to coming out later in life, whilst in marriages. You've come to the right place!

    Take a look around the support area and post away! I hope you find the support and insight you're looking for.
     
  3. Gamer77

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    I’m sorry you have felt so conflicted. As a bi (maybe) women in a straight relationship I can understand what you are going through. I am 28 and your story scares me. I don’t want to end up being back and forth my whole life. Is your wife supportive of your feelings? Or do you feel like she doesn’t understand?
     
  4. Out and In

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  5. Out and In

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    Hi...thanks for you message. My wife is totally not supportive and she doesn’t truly understand me and my past. It is difficult and I am just not sure if I can keep this marriage thing up when I am just not happy when I can’t be the real me.
     
  6. PatrickUK

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    You did well to open up and post all of that and I can sense how conflicted you are. This is an issue that has been doggedly pursuing you for over 30 years and that's an important first point to recognise. It's been there constantly and will not go away with hope, prayer or denial. It needs to be taken on as daunting as it is.

    You talk about dishonesty on your part, but I would suggest it was intellectually dishonest for your wife to believe that you (a bisexual (?) male) could just switch off your feelings of attraction to men. There is a need to get real about things and getting real means accepting the truth about what you wrote in your post. Pretending that everything is fine; that the sex is good and enjoyable and marriage is stable and healthy will lead both of you to devastation. Fact is you are attracted to men, you always have been and you always will be and that is an issue you need to face head on. So does your wife.

    Have you thought about going for couples counselling?
     
  7. Out and In

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    Thankyou for your message and honesty about my situation. You are right in that this will not go away. I have lived all three...hoped it would go away, denied it and prayer but nothing worked because my sexuality is innate...how can I change something that is naturally a part of who I am...a gay man.
    My wife expects me to shut down my bi/gay sexuality which I just can’t do no matter how hard I try...if I shut down my natural sexuality then I shut down totally and I hate it. Hence why I get my needs met through gay porn. I am angry with my wife as she knew about my past and I was honest with her and I just can’t be me.
    I love women but since I got married I have realised that I made a big mistake thinking that marriage to a woman could help me deny my sexuality...for a while I could but it has now got to the point where I just want to tell her I am gay and move on. We talk about counselling but nothing ever happens.
     
  8. Gamer77

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    Some people just don’t understand. Maybe she could talk to other gay or bi people to help her understand what you are going through.